Escaped: Fighting my way home
© Copyright 2009
Written by Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia
ben@banzaiben.com
Chapter 08 – Saturday 28
September 2007
Bethesda Maryland –
Saturday Day Twenty-nine
I slept in the basement room
again last night. Both Jens and Liz were a drunken mess when we got home.
I carried Jens into the house
and Phil carried Liz. Mom took one look at them and had us put them in Jens's
bedroom and she took over.
So here I am at o'dark-thirty
again wide awake and wondering if I dare wake them up this morning and how I
should wake them up.
The devil in me told me I
should get out the air horn again – the angel told me that I should let my
sleeping she-devil-dog lie. For once, the angel won. Hmmm – perhaps Jens has
changed me.
I hopped out of bed and got
dressed in today's workout clothes. My t-shirt today was provocative, it had a
hot girl with an M4 on it and said. "MARINES -Tap Rack Bang1."
1 (TRB: How you clear an automatic weapon – Tap the
magazine back in, Rack the action, Bang when you pull the trigger.)
I ran up the stairs two at
time and into the kitchen. Shit! No one is up yet – well I'll continue to be
good today. I started the coffee making it twice as strong as normal today.
While I waited for the pot to make the all done noise I made some toast.
I poured two cups of coffee,
threw in an ungodly amount of sugar and cream and grabbed four ibuprofens out
of the cabinet. I buttered the toast and placed everything on a nice tray, and
added a couple of roses from the vase.
I walked down the hallway and
pushed Jens's door open. She and Liz were cuddled up to each other snoring up a
storm. If I were into that sort of thing, it'd be sexy as hell. It sounded like
a fight between two chainsaws.
I flipped on the bathroom
light, went to the foot of the bed and jiggled it with my knee, the snoring
turned into sputtering. I kicked it again harder and the snoring and sputtering
stopped and I started to hear some moaning.
"O-h-h-h! My head."
Jens complained.
"S-h-h-h! Don't talk so
loud." Liz added.
They opened their eyes and
realized they were hugging each other and quickly scooted apart.
I laughed much too loudly.
"Hey! Can you keep it
down? My head hurts." Jens griped.
"I have a peace
offering." and replied with a smile.
They both looked at me with
the tray. I moved over and put it between them on the bed.
Jens went to give me a kiss
and I pulled back, "Sorry my love. Your breath isn't minty fresh this
morning. In smells like something that was left on the floor of the bar last
night."
She wasn't happy, but put her
hand in front of her mouth and sniffed her breath. She whispered, "Whew,
that's nasty smelling."
Liz looked at the tray,
"Thank you Ben. You did all this for us?"
"It's not much, but
finish everything and you'll feel good enough for PT in a half hour." I
answered.
They both took a sip of the
coffee and frowned, "Damn! What did you put in this?" Jens
complained.
"After last night's debauchery
you two need some caffeine and sugar in your system. Drink it and stop
complaining otherwise I'll take it all away. Don't take the ibuprofen until
after you eat at least one slice of toast.
"You two are grumpy. I'm
leaving to wake up Mom and Dad. Don't you dare fall back to sleep otherwise
I'll go get the airhorn." I said.
Liz looked at Jens, "An
airhorn. He wouldn't dare."
"Oh yes he would. We
used it on Mom and Dad the other day."
I left the room and headed towards
Mom and Dad's bedroom. I opened the door and it was empty. I heard a
"psst" from down the hall and saw Mom motioning me towards the
kitchen. I closed their door and headed towards the kitchen. Mom and Dad were
at the table.
"Damn! That's a great shirt."
Dad remarked.
Mom looked at it and gave me
the evil eye, "Jens isn't going to like that."
"You both look good in
your new workout gear."
"How are the girls doing
this morning?" Mom questioned.
I laughed, "They're a
mess and smell even worse. I'm not sleeping in that bed until Jens changes the
sheets."
"How did they get so
filthy and bruise their hands so much?" Mom wondered.
I told them all about the
good time we had at the bar and how Jugs came up and kissed me - and the fight
that ensued with Liz helping out Jens.
Dad looked worried, "I
hope Jens didn't throw the first punch."
"Well, she did throw the
first punch." Dad looked even worse, "….but only after Jugs slapped
her."
"Shit! You bastard, you
had me really worried!"
I laughed, "But I bet it
did wake you up."
Mom laughed, "Damn! You
keep things interesting around here."
Jens and Liz shuffled into
the kitchen yawning the whole time.
'Well, well, well, look what
the cat dragged in." Dad laughed. They both responded by flipping him the
bird.
'Young ladies. Is that any
way to treat your elders?" Mom complained. So they both flipped her the
bird too.
"I should spank both of
you!" She scolded.
"Both of us should spank
you!" Jens shot back.
Mom's mouth dropped open and
I could see a war brewing.
So I added my two cents,
"Damn! I wish I wouldn't have woke up Miss Crabby. I wish I would have let
her sleep in."
Dad started laughing but Jens
was a bit slow this morning. It took her about thirty seconds to figure out I
meant her.
She gave me her sad little
girl look, "I'm sorry honey. You're right and should call me Miss Crabby
all day. Sorry Mom and Dad."
"I'd rather call you
Miss Delicious." I quipped.
Jens wrinkled her forehead
and looked at me, "I can't understand your jokes today. Please have
mercy."
I did have mercy, "Well,
you're the apple of my eye." She still looked puzzled, "Crab Apple –
Red Delicious Apple."
She smiled and came over for
a kiss.
I hesitated. "Did you
brush your teeth first?"
"No, I brushed my teeth
twice. Now give me my good morning kiss before I kick your butt." Jens
threatened.
I hugged her and gave her a
kiss; but I sniffed loudly when she pulled away.
"What! Don't tell me that
I stink too?" She frowned.
I smiled, "Gotcha."
Jens looked at my t-shirt,
"Stand up! I want to see that shirt."
I stood up and she eyed the
t-shirt. Then came and gave me a big hug, "You can TRB me any time you
want."
Liz broke out laughing,
"I wish that I could tape you two twenty-four hours a day. We'd make a
fortune."
I looked at her,
"Where'd you get the workout clothes?"
"Jens loaned them to me.
We're almost the same size."
She'd always been such a
bitch that I'd never bothered to look at her like she was a woman. They were
close to the same size, her breasts –"
Jens interrupted me, "-
don't even continue with that thought Mister. I'm in no mood for that this
morning."
Liz looked at her funny. Jens
explained how we can sense each other's feelings.
"Well that's about the
strangest thing I've ever heard." Liz remarked, "I wonder if we can
get a federal grant to have a study done on you two."
I gave her the evil eye,
"I'm not going to be a fricken monkey in a fucking study so you can forget
that."
"Don't worry Liz, I'll
work on him and he'll agree to it." Jens told her.
I looked at both of them and
finally figured out they were teasing me. They both started laughing.
"I hope that was a lot of
fun for the two of you. You should know better than to aggravate your DI. When
you do that you just get him pissed and he makes the workout harder." I
looked around the room and no one was laughing.
"Good, enough of wasting
time. For the next hour and a half your asses are mine. NOW! Move it
downstairs."
They all started stepping and
fetching – like their heads were on fire and their asses were catching it.
Sometimes it was nice being the boss especially when I could be the boss
spelled backwards – double SOB. I took my time and sauntered down the stairs.
Dad already had the Bowflex setup and they started in on the exercises. This
was a big change from the first day.
I looked around,
"Where's the water and the towels?"
There was a mad scramble and
everyone but Liz took off to get them. Liz looked confused.
"What are you standing
around for? Time to do some squats," I ordered. So we started doing squats
together. Yes it was good being the double SOB.
Liz was dying by the time
that the rest got back.
She looked at Jens,
"Thanks for leaving me with this-this-this workout maniac."
Jens shushed her but it was
too late.
I gave her and evil look,
"Jens please tell her what happens when you call the DI names."
She gulped and said,
"The wonderful DI makes us work harder."
Liz looked around, "You
guys let him do this to you?"
They all nodded their heads.
She looked at me, "So
what the hell are you going to do to me if I say no?"
I smiled at her,
"Great Chief Run-amok will magically appear and make you pay."
Jens walked over and
whispered something in her ear.
Liz looked at me and said,
"Well, I don't know about Great Chief fulla-hooey. But Jens asked me if
I'd just do this so I will."
We finished the rest of the
workout without incident.
When we finished Liz fell to
the floor, "Damn! That was a workout. I'm ready for a rest."
"We're not done yet,” I
said. “Now it's time to run."
"A run! Are you
crazy?" She asked.
"I never said, I was
sane." I replied. "You'll feel much better after you sweat out the
rest of the toxins from your binge last night."
"I'll go call the Secret
Service." Mom volunteered and took off upstairs.
"I need to get my
shoes." Dad said and left.
I motioned for Jens and we
sat on the floor by Liz, "So, did you have fun today?"
"Yeah I did. It was a
good workout." She replied.
"So why are you being
such a pain in the ass about it?" I questioned.
"I don't know. It just
seemed strange that everyone decided that you were the boss."
Jens answered, "He's the
boss because he's the best one for the job today. Just like you're the boss
when you're shooting videos or interviewing us. Would you like it if Ben acted
that way when you were trying to do your job?"
"Well, I can remember
when he was a real pain in the ass and I hated it." Liz answered and then
it looked like a light bulb went on over her head. "I understand. We're a
team now and we need to work together."
"You're pretty smart for
a girl news reporter." I teased.
Liz smacked me on one arm and
Jens on the other.
"I think you meant to
say, she's a pretty girl and a smart news reporter. Didn't you dear?"
I laughed and said in a
sarcastic tone, "Yes dear."
Next thing I know they both
tackled me. "Hey! No fair two against one." I complained.
It was damn hard, having two
squirming women to fight. But I discovered that Liz was just as ticklish as
Jens and soon I had both of them on the floor wriggling and giggling.
"Stay still or I'll keep
tickling." I ordered and stopped.
Jens didn't move but Liz did
so I tickled her some more.
"No, I'll stop."
She said and didn’t move.
"So what's going on with
you two?" I asked.
They turned their heads and
looked at each other.
Jens replied, "I don't
know. Liz is sort of like the sister I never had."
"And Jens is like the
sister I never had." Liz added.
I looked at both of them,
"Well isn't this great. Now I've got double –" as I started tickling
Jens. "And trouble." Then started tickling Liz.
Jens grabbed both my hands
and Liz attacked.
"We'll teach you to
attack us." Liz said.
"Yeah, you big bully.
I'm tired of you tickling me." Jens added.
They were ganging up on me
and doing a pretty good job of it. One of them was keeping my hands busy and
the other was poking me. It didn't tickle but it was annoying.
"Quit it you two."
I complained.
"Oh, you don't like to
be poked." Jens said and poked me some more while Liz kept my hands busy.
"I mean it." I
griped.
"What's wrong, can't you
take it." Liz teased.
I pulled my arms free. Jens
said, "Red Alert! Let's get out of here." And they both took off
running.
I sat up and laughed to
myself. I never thought two days ago that I'd be wrestling with Ms. Elizabeth
Morgan like she was my sister. Damn! Her and Jens have had some sort of bonding
and have become some sort of team.
I walked upstairs and Mom,
Jens and Liz were gabbing away. Dad looked miserable.
"Shit! Finally some
testosterone to offset all this estrogen; I thought I was going to go
crazy."
"It's good to see you
too Dad."
I sat at the table and the
women didn't even notice. I looked over at Dad.
"They've been like this
ever since the basement. I can't even get any food." Dad complained.
I was just getting up to make
some breakfast shakes when the doorbell rang. I walked to the front door and
the Secret Service was here.
Buddy said, "Hey you
guys ready to go?"
"Sure, let me get
everyone else." I replied.
I walked in the kitchen the
women were still oblivious to us. I motioned to Dad and he got up and followed
me. "It's just the two of us today Buddy. And we need to stop by somewhere
and pickup a couple breakfast sandwiches." I said.
"Damn! I'm going to get
some real food for breakfast. I want three of those sandwiches, they're
small." Dad added.
I glanced at him, "I
wouldn't recommend that. You'll end up puking them up while we're
running."
As we walked to the van I
asked, "Buddy, can we get the other agents to watch the women at the
house? I don't want to leave them without protection."
"No problem, I'll make
the call."
We hopped in the van, Buddy
called for extra troops and we headed over to a burger joint.
I did relent and bought Dad a
couple of sandwiches.
"A-h-h-h, now that's what
I call a real breakfast." Dad sighed.
"Well. If you worked out
hard every day, you could eat like that every day. Did you ever hear of the
Amish Diet?" I asked.
"No. What the hell is
that?"
"You get to eat whatever
you want each day –"
Dad interrupted, "That
sounds like my sort of diet."
"- as long as you walk
at least eighteen-thousand steps a day."
Dad frowned, "I knew
there was a catch."
We arrived at the track and
both jumped out of the van. "I was so busy yesterday killing all the
paleface I forgot to show you how to run right. We're going to correct that
today. "
We stood by the side of the
track as I explained how he needed to run on the balls of his feet. How he
should never let his heels hit the ground first and how his knees should stay
slightly bent.
"This sounds really
strange to me." Dad remarked.
"It did at first for me.
But if you try it you'll see that it really works. You're not going to run as
far today because your calves are quads are going to get a real workout."
We began slowly and he didn't
have the hang of it.
"Stop, you're doing it
all wrong. Let's try this, take off your shoes and run barefoot." I
ordered.
"I'll ruin my
socks." He complained.
"Then I'll buy you a new
pair."
He grumbled a little but did
as I asked.
After a couple steps of
letting his heels hit, he figured it out and was running much smoother.
"I'm still not sure
about this, but it is easier on my back and knees." Dad mentioned.
We'd done a couple laps when another
black car pulled up to the track. The women piled out and started heading to
the track.
We ran by and Dad said,
"It's about time you showed up. We're almost done."
They fell in behind us
running very slow and still jabbering to each other. Dad was doing so well that
we soon came up behind them.
I looked over at Dad, winked
and started singing to the tune of “Cops”:
Fat
Butts, Fat Butts
What
ya gonna do.
What
ya gonna do
When
they're in front of you!
Dad started laughing and stopped
running.
The women turned and I ran
past them, "FAT BOTTOM GIRLS you make the rockin' world go round." I
yelled.
"We'll show you
fat." Jens yelled and they started chasing me. "You just wait until
we catch you."
I hollered back over my
shoulder, "What are you going to do? Sit on me and squash me."
"I'm going spank you
young man." Mom yelled.
"And we're going to hold
you down so she can." Liz added.
"I was going to say big
talk for little girls, but I don't see any little here." I shot back.
Mom fell behind Jens and Liz,
and then Jens fell behind Liz. I suddenly figured out that Liz could run – that
Liz could really run.
"You go girl. Catch his
ass and make him pay." Jens encouraged.
I ran my hardest and she
still gained on me.
She came up right behind me.
"I guess you're not as fast as you thought you were."
"Shit! How'd you get so
fast?" I asked.
"I was on the track team
at Berkley." She replied.
"You went to Bezerkley?
That explains everything."
She lunged and tackled me
onto the grassy infield. "Hey, the school was good even if the
politics sucked."
"Wooo Hooo!" Jens
yelled, "You caught him. Keep him down, I'm coming to help."
I'd just gotten free when
Jens flew in and tried to grab me. "Not so fast Mister." I ducked,
she missed me, ran into Liz and they fell in a heap. I was getting ready to
take off when ….
"Son-of-a-bitch! That
hurt." Jens complained.
I stopped and went over to
her, "Are you okay?"
"I don't know. I caught
Liz's elbow in my low belly and it hurts." Jens complained.
"Lie down and let me
take a look." I checked her out and her low belly was a little tender.
Mom and Dad ran up. "Are
you happy now? All your horseplay has caused my little girl to get hurt." Mom
yelled angrily. She went over to her and looked at her.
"I'm fine Mom. It's
hardly sore now." Jens said.
Mom helped Jens up; I went
over by her and got a dirty look.
"M-o-o-o-m, quit being
mean to Ben. It was an honest accident." Jens admonished.
She came over and hugged me,
"Thanks my love for taking care of me."
I put my arm around her right
side, Liz got on her left side and we helped her to the van.
"Evelyn, let's ride in
the car." Dad said.
Mom wanted to argue, but
could tell that Dad had his reasons and she came over and kissed Jens on the
cheek.
"You take good care of
my daughter." Mom ordered.
"Yes ma'am." Liz
and I both said.
Dad grabbed her arm and led
her away.
"Whew, I wasn't sure I
was going to survive that. I felt like I was between a mama bear and her
cub." I said.
Jens and Liz laughed.
"Mom gets sort of protective of me."
"Sort of!" I
remarked, "I still remember when she threatened to castrate me."
"Wh-a-a-at?" Liz
said. "She said what to you."
Jens described the first time
I danced with mom.
"And you weren't afraid
of her?" Liz asked me.
I smiled, "I offered to
give her my Ka-Bar if she ever needed it."
"That took balls."
She answered and we all had a great laugh, even Buddy and Phil joined in.
"How are you feeling
Jens?" I asked.
"Much better. It's just
a little sore. I think that I bruised it." She answered and smiled.
The van pulled up to the
house and a large group of people were milling around.
"Look Ben it's the girls
from yesterday." Jens noticed. "I guess they could all make the
sailing date for today."
Shit, I'd forgotten about
sailing. "Are you sure you're well enough to go?" I ask Jens.
"Don't be silly of
course I am. And I'm not letting you out of this so don't even try."
I remembered my shirt and
figured it wouldn't be appropriate for the young ladies. So I started peeling
it off.
Liz looked at me, "Damn
you have a bunch of scars on your body. Are those bullet holes?"
I flipped my shirt wrong side
out and put it back on, "I don't know what you're talking about."
Jens reached over and
squeezed Liz's hand, "He doesn't like to talk about his badges of glory.
"Thanks Honey for taking
care of the t-shirt. I'm sure the girl's parents wouldn't have understood."
The van stopped and we hopped
out. Miranda and the girls saw us and ran over to talk to Jens. I took
advantage of everyone being distracted and slipped into the house. I headed
down to the basement and jumped right in the shower. Ten minutes later I was
done, changed and headed back upstairs.
Mom and Dad had shown up and
they were all talking on the front yard.
I walked up to Jens,
"Hey! You're all showered and changed. When did you do that?"
"I did it while you all
were talking. I figured that no one would miss me."
Miranda, the other girls and
all the parents walked up, "Well you are very wrong. We all missed
you." She came over and gave me a hug; the other girls did the same. I
looked over at Jens worried that she might be upset but she was beaming. The
girl's parents came up and started shaking my hand and congratulating me as if
I was some sort of hero.
"We're so glad to meet
you." Miranda's mom said, "I don't know what you said to her
yesterday but she's not the same girl that she was when she went to the mall.
All she's done is talk about you and Jens ever since she got home. She even
threw away a bunch of the clothes that we didn't like. She said she didn't want
to look like a slut."
Miranda's dad came up,
"Let me shake your hand! You are a remarkable young man. I saw the video
of the way Miranda flirted with you and I was shocked. Most men would have
looked, but you turned your head."
I was getting embarrassed and
could feel the redness starting to creep up my face. I looked over at Jens and
she came over and rescued me, "Sorry folks. Ben doesn't do well with
compliments he gets embarrassed. But know that everything you've said has
touched his heart."
It didn't end until each
parent had thanked us. By the time they were done, I was finished. I looked at
Jens, "I'm tired and wore out. I'm going to take a nap while the rest of
you get ready to go."
The girls all said goodbye to
their parents and we all went in the house. I took off for the basement and a
nap while everyone else got ready to go sailing.
I don't know how long I
slept, but when I woke up Jens was on the bed beside me and looking at me.
"I love watching you sleep. When you sleep you let your guard down and I
can see the real Ben."
"So what am I when I'm
awake, the fake Ben?"
"No, you're the Ben that
you expect people want to see." She leaned over and kissed me.
"You're a good man; it's a shame that the world won't let you be who you
really are."
I grinned at her, scrunched
one eye closed and said, "I yam what I yam."
"Was that supposed to be
– Popeye? If so that was terrible." Jens teased.
"Hey it couldn't have
been too bad if you understood who it was."
"Come on my lazy boy,
let's go sailing." Jens said.
She stood up and said, "Damn,
I'm still a little sore."
I jumped up, "Are you
sure you're okay? Maybe we need to go to the doctor."
She looked at me and smiled,
"You must really love me if you'd go to the doctor with me. I know how
much you hate doctors and hospitals." Then she gave me a kiss that
astounded me.
"Let's go
sailorman." She teased.
"Shit! I'm not a
sailor." I replied.
"Well you pretended to
be Popeye so I thought you'd jumped ship." She chided.
I laughed, "You're
right."
"Just remember that and we'll
get along just fine." She grinned at me.
I wanted to swat her butt,
but I was concerned about hurting her so I wrapped my arm around her and we
walked upstairs.
The kitchen was a flurry of
activity and Mom was giving orders as if she was the General. Everyone was all
hauling bags out to the waiting vans. It looked more as if we were going on a
campaign, not sailing for part of a day.
"It's about fricken time
you woke up and earned your keep. Hump these coolers of drinks out to the
van." Mom ordered.
"Yes Sir!" I
answered.
"Watch your mouth or
I'll wash it out with soap." She grumped.
Jens gave me a look, came
over and whispered in my ear, "You'd better cool it with Mom, she's pretty
pissed off."
I walked over to her and Jens
followed, "Mom, it bothers me even more than it bothers you that Jens was
hurt. I'm sorry it happened and I hope that she never gets hurt again. Being
angry at me all day won't help her feel better."
Jens was hugging me, Mom was
watching us and said, "Shit! I hate that you're right so often. Sorry for
getting upset at you, but when Jens gets hurt, I get upset."
I humped the coolers out to
the van and came back in, "What's next Mom?"
"Please help with the
rest of the food. Ben." She smiled at me.
We
were finally packed and ready to go. All the women and girls piled in the van.
I looked at Dad, "I
think we’ll take the car."
"Damn straight! That's
too much estrogen for me." He laughed.
The drive to the Washington
Sailing Marina was uneventful other than having to drive into Washington DC. I
looked out the window the whole way and shook my head.
"How in the hell can
people live like this?" I asked Dad.
"You get numb after
awhile and don't even notice it." He replied.
The closer we came to the
marina, the more I missed Colorado. I was really looking forward to being home
tomorrow. I couldn't wait to see the rebuilt cabin. Especially, to give Jens
her HUGE surprise. I'd had to sneak some phone calls in to one of my friends in
Leadville to make sure that things were going to be ready.
We pulled up to the Marina
and I knew it was time for the brawn of the unit to earn his keep. I bounded
out of the car and headed up to the van and opened the side door. The women and
girls piled out like a gaggle of geese.
Jens stopped and looked at
me, "I get my surprise tomorrow." She said sensing my feelings.
Shit, I almost let the cat
out of the bag. "What surprise?" I teased.
She must have been feeling
better because she punched me in the arm, "You little shit! The fricken
huge surprise you've been teasing me about. You just wait. Someday I'm going to
have a huge surprise and I'm going to tease the hell out of you about it."
I started to open my mouth,
"I know what you're going to say before you even say it. And yes someday
sure as hell is going to come."
I started grabbing all the
crap that we needed for our partial day of sailing and humping it down the dock
to the sailboat. I looked at it, "Hey Dad! I don't know much about sailboats.
What sort of sailboat is this?"
Dad smiled, I could tell it
was his pride and joy, "It a Morgan 46.2 Ketch that was built in the early
eighties."
I looked dumbfounded not
knowing what anything meant, Jens walked up, "Don't worry Ben. When Daddy
starts talking about his sailboat I wonder if he trades his general stars for
admiral bars."
"Hey I can still make
you swab the deck or walk the plank." Dad threatened.
"Not on my boat."
Mom came up and said.
"Evelyn, I keep telling
you, it's a ship not a boat." Dad complained.
"Keep talking Glen and
I'll start calling it a garbage scow."
Dad looked a little hurt,
"Oh come on Glen. You know I'm just teasing you. I love our little
boat."
He looked even more dejected.
Mom winked at us and said, "Why is it that men get all upset when you
tease them about the size of their toys."
I started laughing and the
girls walked up with a load of crap. "What's so funny?" Miranda
asked.
"Ask Mom. I need to go
and get more gear." And I took off. I was able to get the last of the crap
and came up to the sailboat. "PTB2 Sir." I said to Dad.
2 (PTB: Permission To Board.)
He grinned, "Aye
permission granted."
I walked across the gangplank
and set down the bags. I reached in my day pack and pulled out an eye patch,
bandana, fake parrot and plastic sword and transformed myself into the dread
pirate No-beard .
I went below to stow
the rest of the gear, Mom gave me a dirty look.
"Ben, put that gear over
there under the bunks." Mom ordered.
"Aye, aye Captain."
I shot back.
The girls came out of the
forward bunks, saw me and started laughing at my pirate imitation.
I looked at Jens and Liz,
"At least someone appreciates my humor."
Liz said, "What
humor?"
I pulled out my sword and
started waving it around, "Avast ye surly wench. Thou hast offended mighty
No-beard. Prepare to die."
Mom came over and took the
sword away, "No more of that crap today. Jens has already been hurt."
The girls were completely
entertained and were laughing so hard that they couldn't talk.
"Arrgh, I thinks I
prefer the company of the young winsome lasses to the old sea hags. Ladies,
accompany me up to the aft poop deck." I held out my hands for them. They
kept laughing some of them so hard they were crying.
"Hey! Who you calling
old!" Jens barked.
"And who are you calling
a sea hag." Liz added.
Mom said, "Get out of my
galley you-you-you reject from Annapolis. Before I skin you alive."
I knew when I'd counted enough
coup and it was time to leave. I booked it upstairs and onto the deck.
Dad took one look at me and
started laughing, "Don't tell me you're at it again. What's this outfit?
Great pirate Run-amok."
"Arrgh - Avast ye scurvy
bilge rat. I be dread pirate No-beard." I answered.
"Well, if the dead
pirate No-beard can stop fooling around. We need to cast off."
"That's dread pirate,
scurvy limey."
"You get Evelyn pissed
off again and it's going to be dead pirate."
He was right so for now I
simmered down and helped him cast off the lines. Once we were underway, I stood
on the bow of the boat and continued my pirate impersonation by yelling pirate
quotes at the other sailboats. Some people found it amusing and laughed, others
just shook their heads.
The women and girls had
worked their way on the deck. Jens sashayed up beside me wearing a female
pirate outfit. I was shocked.
"Avast ye scurvy son of
a sea dog; come to and give your best mate a kiss." Jens ordered. I hugged
her and complied.
"Arrgh, my eyes deceive
me it must be Captn' Morgan Adams from Cutthroat Island ."
"Avast your eyes must be
full of seaweed, if ye thinks I look like that fat Geena Davis wench."
Jens replied.
I broke character, "My
love. This is a total surprise. How did you know." Wondering if she had
looked in my travel pack.
She smiled, "No. I
didn't peek in your pack. I just figured after all the Great Chief Run-amok
shenanigans that this would be your next thing to do. Remember you're still too
predictable."
She reached behind her back
and pulled out my plastic sword and handed it to me. "Arrgh, ye can't be a
pirate without your cutlass." Then she pulled out hers.
We stood on the bow of the
boat waving our plastic cutlasses at the other boats and cursing them in pirate
talk. The girls were finally over most of their laughing and came up to help.
"Arrgh, the young
winsome lasses prefer the company of pirates to the crusty old sea
urchins." I said.
Mom yelled, "Who are you
calling crusty and old?"
We handed them our cutlasses
and they joined in on the fun. We were almost out of the harbor so Jens and I
left them on the bow and headed aft.
Liz and the news crew had
been taping the whole thing, "Hey, I didn't see the rest of the crew.
Where did they come from?" I asked.
"They snuck on the boat
while you were getting into you pirate gear." Liz said.
"This is great footage.
We're going to make a fortune off of this."
Dad said, "It's time to stop
goofing off and get serious. We're out of the bay and can run up some
sails."
I went over to Mom and pulled
off my pirate gear, "Thanks for watching this for me."
Jens stayed in her pirate
gear and looked sexy as hell.
"Avast land lubber, keep
your eyes on the task at hand." She scolded me.
"Okay dad what do I
do?" I asked.
Jens took the helm, he came
over and showed me how to run the selftailing winch, and we ran up the main
sail.
He went back and made some course
corrections until the sail caught the wind then he killed the diesel engine and
the boat started heeling over.
The girls were being splashed
so they came running to the aft of the boat and huddled around Mom and Jens.
I said, "You know, I
only know one of your names. It'd be nice to meet all of you."
Miranda and the other four
came over, "We were sort of afraid to meet you. You're such a big
star."
Mom and Jens and even Liz
started laughing. Jens said, "Ben is about as far from being a star as you
will ever find. In fact even calling him one is insulting to him."
"Oh gee, Ben we're sorry
we didn't mean to insult you." Miranda shyly said.
I laughed and teased,
"Don't worry, I'm used to it. Jens insults me all the time."
"Hey, I do not!" Jens
said.
"So tell me all your
names." I asked.
They all sat down close.
"I'm Michelle."
Said a gangly looking redhead.
"Pleased to meet you
Michelle," and I shook her hand.
"I'm Rachel."
Answered a willowy blonde.
"It's so nice to learn
your name." I answered and shook her hand.
"And I'm Sara."
Said a mousy looking brunet.
"Sara, it's great to
shake your hand."
I looked at the last girl and
she blushed, "I'm Frankie and I'm shy."
"The pleasure is all
mine." I said.
We sat around and talked. The
girls had many questions about Jens and I, what our life was like – and it
seemed everything else. I noticed that Mom, Jens, Liz and the news crew were
all concentrating on the interactions. It was still somewhat annoying so I
tried my best to ignore it.
Dad was doing an excellent
job – and I don't mean in the Rainman sense – of piloting the boat. It was
sunny and windy with about five-foot swells, a perfect day to be out on the
water. We were headed into the wind so Dad was tacking and every time he'd make
a turn the boom would swing and the boat would heel over the other way.
Frankie got up to get some
soda just as Dad started a tack and she lost her balance and started to fall. I
tried to jump up and grab her, but it was too late and she screamed as she went
over the side of the boat.
It was pandemonium and all
the other girls were screaming.
"I don't think she can
swim," cried Sara.
"Man overboard." I
yelled and jumped into the water after her.
When I came to the surface, I
couldn't see her. I did see the boat wake and started swimming back along its
path. I hit the top of a swell and I saw her struggling. Shit! She was either
afraid or couldn't swim. I swam in her direction as fast I could.
I dropped down in another
swell and lost sight of her. So I kept swimming hoping I was going in the right
direction. The next swell raised me and I was damn close to her.
"Frankie! I'm close
don't worry." I yelled.
I reached her at the trough
of the next swell as I got close she grabbed me and pulled me under. I didn't
struggle and just let her do that. As she climbed on top of me, I slipped
around behind her and grabbed her around the neck.
"Help, I can't swim
well." She frantically yelled.
"Don't worry, I'm here and
you're not going to drown. Just relax and I'll help hold you up." She
stopped fighting and relaxed some.
"Frankie, if you wanted
to go swimming with me you should have just asked." I teased her and she
relaxed a little more.
"Will the boat come back
for us?" She asked.
"They most certainly
will. I bet they're doing that right now." I told her. I hoped that
someone had the sense to throw a locator buoy overboard when I jumped in, but I
couldn't count on it. We could be in the water for a while.
I knew that with today's
swells it would be hard as hell to find two people floating in the ocean. And
I'm sure that we moved quite a distance from where we fell in. But I also knew
that Jens would never abandon me, we just needed to be patient until we were
found and not die from hypothermia.
The water temperature was
about 65 degrees so we had about four and a half hours before we'd become
exhausted or unconscious. Probably a little less than that because neither one
of us were very fat. The survival time would be over twenty hours but without
PFDs we'd be dead before then.
I needed to keep Frankie
occupied. "Frankie, why is a pretty girl like you so shy?"
"Uh-uh-uh up until last
year I had braces and all the kids used to tease me about them. And I am sort
of klutzy."
I thought, well that explains
why you fell off the boat. "Kids can be so mean sometimes. I tell you
what, in another year you're going to be quite beautiful and then all the kids
that teased you will wish that they wouldn't have."
"But I'll still be
clumsy."
I forced a laugh,
"That's the easiest thing to fix. Why don't you take some martial arts or
dance classes when we get back."
"I took a little dance
class but the teacher said I was too clumsy."
I was pissed off about that
statement, "Well, that just means your teacher wasn't a very good teacher.
Did you have fun?"
"Yeah, it was a lot of
fun."
"I'll talk to your
parents when we get back and we'll make sure we get you in the right class. I
bet Jens and her mom can help."
"You'd do that for
me?" She asked.
"Sure, why not?" I
replied.
"I'm going to switch
arms. Don't fight me and don't worry." I held her now with my right arm, I
brought my left arm up and looked at my watch. It'd been about an hour and no
sign of the boat.
We kept talking with each
other and I discovered that under the shy exterior was a very incredible young
woman.
Another hour went by and
still no sign of rescue. I heard a plane fly over and tried waving, but they
didn't see us.
"Frankie. I have a job
for you. Do you think you can help me?" I asked.
She shivered a little,
"Sure Ben."
"I don't think that the
boats and airplanes can see us because we're too small. But I have a bright
yellow shirt on. I'm going to take it off and then you're going to hold it out
in the water so it's like a flag. They might be able to see that."
"I can do that."
She shivered.
"Okay, I'm going to need
to let go of you to take off my shirt. Don't panic I'm right here." I let
go of her and slipped my shirt off as quick as I could. She started sputtering
and thrashing around.
I swam back up to her,
"I'm here you can relax."
She grabbed me again and
pushed me under the water. I popped back up behind her and grabbed her in a
headlock. She was struggling, "Hey. I've got you. Relax."
"I thought I was going
to drown." She said.
"You're not going to
drown as long as I'm here. I promise! And I never break a promise." I was
hoping that this was a promise that I could keep.
"Take the shirt and let the
water fan it out." I ordered and she complied. At least she wasn't
shivering anymore.
We waited for rescue, but
still nothing.
I was damn cold and we were
starting to get tired. Plus the sky was growing darker. Evening was coming soon
and if they didn't find us before it got dark…"
I checked my watch; it'd now
been about three hours. Frankie had been shivering for awhile and was starting
to get listless.
My muscles ached from the
cold, especially all the scars from my wounds. My shorts had rubbed my legs raw
a long time ago and they felt like they were on fire.
I reached my free arm down
and pinched Frankie.
"Ouch, whatdya do that
for?"
"Stay awake. Don't fall
asleep." It didn't work, a short while later she became
unresponsive. I grabbed my shirt before it drifted away and checked my watch,
another half hour in the water.
It was getting pretty dark
and I didn't see much hope of rescue. At least Frankie was going to be spared
the inhumanity of drowning, she'd been asleep now for – I guess I don't even
know how long. I looked at my watch but couldn't figure out how long we'd been
in the water.
Shit! My mind! The cold was
zapping my reasoning. I kicked my legs even harder to try to warm up. I tried to
think of anything and everything to keep myself awake.
Wait – what's that I hear.
SHIT! It's a plane. I waved my shirt and yelled with all my might. It passed
over us – and then I watched it turn and come back.
Thank God! I think they saw
us. I waved again and they started circling around us. Next thing I knew
something hit close to us in the water and flashed. I try to swim to it and tow
Frankie but I'm so tired and sleepy.
I yelled at myself,
"Come on you lazy asshole swim to that light – swim to that light."
I barely made it and I don't
know what the hell it is but now I have something that floats to hold onto. I
wrapped my left arm around it and held on for dear life.
Damn I'm cold and shivering
so much I think I'm going to break my teeth.
Son-of-abitch! Some sort of
sea monster's trying to take Frankie away from me. I hated letting go of my
light but I've got to fight this damn beast. I freed my left arm and punched
that bastard in the face! Leave me alone you fucking monster.
Shit another one's attacked
me from behind. How did you like that elbow in your ugly face – bastard.
I felt something hit my head,
light flashed in my eyes and darkness slowly descended upon me.
Somewhere Northeast of
Khudabah, Pakistan - Close to China – Day Eight
I feel someone gently
touching my forehead. Mmm, it's nice. Perhaps it's my Jens! I open my eyes,
blink them a few times and they focus on the smiling face of Zarika. I look
around and I'm not at Aamir's. Wherever I am is nice. I'm lying on nice cushions
on the floor. My camo BDU's are gone and I'm wearing some nice Tajik clothes.
Zarika starts moving her lips, trying to talk to me but I can't hear her.
All I hear is the damn roaring in my ears.
She looks away and her lips
move, I barely hear something that time. Yasmeen, Aamir and Ivan come over they
all look down at me. Their lips move and I barely hear some noises. Ivan
leans over close to me and I can finally hear him, "Ben! Can you hear me?
Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. But I have a
terrible headache and roaring in my ears." I answer and Zarika and Yasmeen
jump.
Yasmeen takes off and Zarika
leans over and puts her mouth close to my ear, "Ben, you're yelling."
"I'm sorry, I can't hear
well." I answer and she jumps.
Aamir and Ivan sit on the
cushions across from me, smile and start moving their lips.
Yasmeen and a bunch of other
women come in the room. I recognize some of them; they're the ones I rescued.
Yasmeen comes over and gives me some pills and water. I barely hear, "Take
this."
I look at the pills and even
sniff them. After the damn tea I don't trust anything they give me. I can't
tell what they are but they look safe. I take the pills and drink all the
water. Everyone is watching me and I feel like an animal in the circus.
This time I talk softer,
"I'm hungry. Could I get some food?"
Yasmeen mouths some words and
the whole room ignites in a flurry of activity. The women all take off and
Yasmeen smiles, comes over and sits on the other side of me.
She leans over and kisses me
on the cheek and puts her mouth against my ear, "My hero."
A gnarled old man, bent by
the many years of his life hobbles into the room being helped by a young woman.
It seems like it takes him minutes to work his way across the room. He stops in
front of me and his lips start moving.
Zarika leans over and puts
her mouth next to my ear, "This is Ahkmed he is a rich man and is thanking
you for saving his daughters."
I answer, "Tell him it's
nothing."
Zarika pulls away and I
barely hear her.
His lips move in a laugh,
then they move some more.
Yasmeen jumps up and heads
out of the room from the same door Ahkmed came in. He hobbles over and slowly
sits on the cushions beside me and smiles at me. He motions with his hands to
his ears and moves his lips. Zarika translates, "He says his doctor is
coming to look at your ears."
The women that were here
earlier rush in with huge bowls of food and bring it over to me and bow. There
is pilaf with meats and fruits, kabob, dolma, yogurt garlic sauce, lavash,
dates, figs, pomegranates and many other items that I don't recognize. It all
smells wonderful and my stomach starts to growl.
Zarika picks up a bowl and
starts to feed me.
"I'm not and invalid, I
can feed myself." I say and she jumps and hangs her head.
I motion for her to come
close to me and I put my mouth against her ear and whisper, "What's wrong
my little dove?"
"Ben it's an honor for
me to feed you; if you do not let me feed you all the women here will think I
am a bad wife."
I can see the tears in the
corner of her eyes and I smile and nod my head. She grins and starts feeding
me. I notice the other women start to smile and talk to each other.
Ahkmed claps his hands and I
can hear that but it's very muffled. Then he moves his mouth and all the other
women leave the room. I can notice them peeking around the corner.
Zarika brings a cup up to my
mouth, I pull back.
"Ben. What's
wrong?" She says in my ear.
"I want to make sure it's
not that damn tea again." I tell her.
She looks at everyone and her
lips move, I can see that everyone looks like they're laughing.
She gives the cup to me; I
look at it and sniff it. I notice the old man looks like he's laughing again.
It smells like wine so I take a sip. It is wine a very young and fruity wine
with very little alcohol; I drink the whole cup. Zarika moves her lips and I
can hear her just a bit. One of the women that has been peeking around the
corner brings more wine. She looks at me and smiles as she pours it in the cup.
Zarika continues feeding me.
I stop her and ask,
"What day is it?"
She smiles, "You were
asleep all yesterday. You kept yelling the whole time for Jens."
I look at her and remember
the dreams and a few tears form in the corner of my eyes. She sees them and
wipes my face with a napkin, making sure to get the tears.
"Ben. Do not cry here.
They will think that you are upset with how you are treated and it will be a
big dishonor."
I nod my head and she continues
feeding me.
Ahkmed claps his hands and
moves his mouth and another woman comes in and starts feeding him. Dhuha and
Basma come in and start feeding their husbands. The men appear to be carrying
on quite the conversation but I can't hear them. They seem to be gesturing
towards me so it must be about me.
"Zarika, what are they
talking about." I ask too loudly and she jumps.
She says something and
another woman comes in and starts to feed me. She is looking at me with obvious
admiration in her eyes. Zarika moves over by my ear and starts to translate.
"They are talking about
how brave you were to go into the building by yourself."
"Tell them that Aamir
was the bravest one. He drove the truck through the gate."
Zarika says a few words and Aamir
smiles.
I continue, "And tell
them that I couldn't have done this without Ivan's help and equipment."
She moves her lips and Ivan
nods his head at me.
"Shit! I don't even know
if the plan worked. Did we kill all the chewchemeks?" I asked.
Ivan starts talking and
Zarika puts her mouth to my ear, "Yes the plan was a total success other
than you being too close to the bomb. The whole camp was totally destroyed and
is nothing but a big hole in the ground."
Yasmeen comes in with a man.
She sees the other woman feeding me, looks angry and comes over, her mouth
moves and the other woman slinks out of the room like a scolded dog. She takes
her place, smiles at me and starts shoving food in my mouth.
The man walks over to me and
moves his lips, "This man is Ahkmed's doctor and he needs to examine you
again. But he will wait until you finish eating."
"I think I'd like some
more wine. Then I'm finished." I say. Yasmeen helps me drink from the cup;
I drink it all.
Ahkmed claps his hands and
says some words. The women come back in the room and take away all the food.
"Tell Ahkmed that the
food was excellent and worthy of a prince." I say.
After Zarika translates,
Ahkmed smiles, nods his head and moves his mouth.
"He says that you are
more worthy than all the princes."
The doctor motions for me to
stand up. Akhmed claps his hands and all the women leave the room other than my
girls.
"The doctor wants you to
take off your clothes." Zarika tells me.
I look at her, "Not
while you two are here."
"Ben. We are your wives
and it is not a disgrace for us to stay. Besides you need someone to tell you
what the doctor says." Zarika pleads.
I look at her and Yasmeen,
"Tell him that it is not customary in my country to have an audience when
a doctor examines a patient."
Zarika looks at me with
pleading eyes. "Zarika tell him! And tell him that Ivan can translate for
me."
She gives me a dirty look and
tells him. Then she stomps her foot and turns and leaves the room. I swat her
on the butt for being such a little snit and her and Yasmeen scamper out of the
room. It looks like everyone else is laughing.
Ivan come over and talks in
my ear, "You handled that well my old friend. So your ears aren't working
well."
"Ivan. I can't hear
shit. They have a huge roaring in them all the time."
The doctor comes over,
"He wants you to take off your shirt."
I take off my shirt and
notice that I look a little better. I've put on some weight since my escape.
The doctor checks me all over
starting with my head and working his way down.
The women keep peeking around
the corner and looking at me. I figure I'll raise some hell so I blow them a
kiss. They blush and pull behind the corner.
The doctor has me close my
eyes and stand on one leg; I keep falling over. He points to each of my old
scars moves his lips and shakes his head, especially at the several scars from
bullet wounds. He turns me around and pokes the one on my lower back and I
jump.
"Shit! Tell him not to do
that again or I'll beat the hell out of him." I yell at Ivan.
Ivan says in my ear,
"Ben! You have more scars than when I saw you in Russia. And it looks like
that old bullet wound from Russia still hurts."
"It only bothers me when
I'm awake or when someone pokes it. I'm tired of this shit! I'm done." And
I start putting my shirt back on.
The doctor talks to Ivan for
a while and leaves the room. Ivan comes over to me and gets close to my ear,
"The doctor says that you have a severe concussion. When it gets better
your hearing and balance will get better too."
"Well this sucks! I want
to get the hell out of here and get back to Jens." I loudly complain.
Ivan jumps, "It looks
like you need to spend at least the rest of today here. Perhaps if you're
better tomorrow you can leave."
I'm damn pissed and need to
do something to get my mind off the bull shit of not being able to leave. I
want to go for a run but I know that the doctor won't let me.
"Ivan, I'm going to work
out and I don't want to be bothered." I yell.
I move over to the side of
the room and start doing pushups. Ahkmed watches me and starts laughing his ass
off. His lips move and everyone is laughing.
I finish my pushups and ask,
"What the hell does he find so funny?"
Ivan yells, "He thinks
it's funny that a man with two young wives would do that without one of them
under him."
I shake my head.
I go over to the door way and
grab the ledge above it and start doing pull-ups. Ahkmed is watching me with
interest and starts moving his lips and nodding his head.
It's damn frustrating not
being able to hear what everyone is talking about!
I finish the pull-ups and try
to do a handstand pushup and fall on my face. I look over and yes, they're all
laughing at me.
I move over to the wall, flip
up into a handstand with my feet on the wall and now I can do my pushups. Being
upside down does cause my head to throb.
I keep up the routine and
finally they get bored watching me. It feels good to be working my muscles
again.
Zarika and Yasmeen come in,
sit down, and watch me go through one whole rotation. I start doing the pushups
again and they come over beside me and start trying to do pushups. I stop and show
them how to do the pushups.
Ahkmed laughs so hard
watching the three of us doing pushups he falls over. A bunch of women rush in
beside him and he just keeps laughing and pointing at us.
I help my girls do the
pull-ups and the handstand pushups. Ahkmed keeps watching us and laughing.
I should be offended at
Ahkmed, but he's too old and full of life to get upset at.
We finish and I walk back
over and sit down by Ahkmed. He slaps me on the back, it scares the hell out of
me and I jump. That sets him off laughing again.
I look over at Ivan he comes
and sits on the other side of me, "Ben my friend I wish that when you are
his age you will enjoy life half as much. See all these women, they're his
wives."
I look at Ivan, "I'm
only interested in one woman for my wife. And that's Jens."
Zarika and Yasmeen hear me
and they both quickly run out of the room.
"Uh-oh Ben. You have
just made a big mistake. You need to go and talk with those two." Ivan
suggests.
I take off after them and
find them in one of the back rooms crying
I walk up to them, "My
sisters what are you crying for."
They turned away from me and
kept crying.
I can see this isn't working
so I need a new plan. "Okay, I know when I'm not wanted anymore; when I've
been replaced. Goodbye."
I turn and start leaving the
room, "No." They yell and come over and hug me tight.
"Don't ever leave us
Ben. We're worried that once you have your Jens back you won't want us
around." Zarika says.
"I won't ever leave you two,
you're my sisters. And I know that Jens will love both of you." I answer.
They hug me even tighter.
"Come on let's get back to the main room and see if we can make Ahkmed
laugh some more."
We walk back in the main room
arm-in-arm. Ahkmed sees us and smiles then moved his lips. "He says that
it's good to see that you've made your beautiful young wives happy and hopes
that you will make the wife he gives you happy."
"WHAT THE HELL!" I
yell. "No way am I taking another wife."
Ivan is laughing his ass off.
I motion to him to come over and we move to the side.
"SHIT! Ivan! I can't
have another wife. I already have two too many. You owe me and I'm calling in
all my markers. You have to get me out of this."
He is still laughing.
"Ivan, I mean this.
Don't make me find and talk to the Major." I threaten.
He immediately stops
laughing, "You wouldn't?"
"If I acquire another
wife, I most certainly will. You'd better lie through your teeth to Ahkmed and
get me out of this."
He goes over to Ahkmed and
they start talking. It seems like it takes forever but he comes back.
"Well. The only way I
could talk him out of it was by taking the wife myself." He looks
dejected.
I smile and clap him on the
back, "Congratulations Ivan! I hope you and the new misses and the old
misses get along well and have a bunch of children."
I go over to the cushions and
sit down a happy man. I finally dodge a wife bullet.
Zarika and Yasmeen bring me some
tea and sweet cakes. I sniff the tea again just to make sure they aren't trying
to poison me again.
"Ben you do not need to
sniff your tea each time. We taste all your food first just to make sure it's
safe." Yasmeen tells me.
"I just don't want any
more of that damn wormwood tea. That stuff tasted like ass." I reply.
Zarika scolds me, "Ben
watch your language you are not a chewchemek."
I am feeling feisty so I look
at her and say, "Eto mnye do huya3."
3 (I don't give a fuck.)
Both their mouths drop open
in disbelief, Ivan hears what I say and starts laughing.
They start scolding me; I
smile at them, cover my ears and start singing:
La-la-la
Laaa
La-la-la
Laaa
Ahkmed watches all this and
starts laughing again.
Zarika and Yasmeen get
frustrated and storm out of the room.
I look around and smile,
finally peace! It was then I realize: No women – Know Peace.
But somehow Jens doesn't fit
in this equation. She is a woman, but she is also much more than a woman.
Perhaps it is because it seems like she never demands things from me, but
somehow makes me a better person. I remember how she changed Miranda and the
girls and I hope that if I get back to her that she can take these little ones
that I've inherited and mold them into something more like her.
I kick back on the cushions,
look up at the ceiling and start daydreaming about Jens and home.