Chapter 018

Home 2 Chapter 018

Copyright 2013 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia


Flashback – Ben – At the hospital


Son of a fucking bitch! I almost made it to the door when the door flew open, a bastard flew into the room and screamed, "Allah Akbar!" I then found a scimitar swung at me! I reached toward the closest thing which just happened to be a partially filled bedpan. I blocked the scimitar and  proceeded to defend myself – trying to beat the shit out of him. But a bedpan against a scimitar – the odds didn't look good for the good guys!


Flashback – Jack – At Jack and Masha's apartment


The news report was sketchy and Masha translated, "Jack, Ben was attacked at the hospital!"


I reacted and then ordered, "What the fuck! Where were the damn Spetsnaz? We need to get to the hospital!"


Masha said, "I will immediately change into my clothes."


I complained, "Hell, I can't wait for that."


Tatiana wailed, "I never should have left him!"


Masha slapped her then ordered, "Pull yourself together and convey Jack to the hospital. I will come as soon as possible."


I was shocked at the effect it had on Tatiana! She jumped up, grabbed my hand and ordered, "Jack, come."


We ran out the door and headed to the hospital…


Flashback – Masha – At her and Jack's apartment


I actually wanted a little time to myself because I needed to accomplish a few things. Immediately after Jack and Tatiana left, I entered my e-mail account and noticed the new message from Irina. I read it and decided I didn't have the time to play her stupid games so I replied with one sentence.


I then sent a message to my other contacts; we needed to put a lid on this rotten kettle of fish. Then I quickly changed, made sure my purse was fully provisioned and ran out of the apartment following Jack and Tatiana…


Flashback – Ira – In Israel


I… I… I was so furious I could not vocalize! Masha had stepped across the thin red line! I decided when we exfiltrated I would have to kick her ass sideways three times over, shove it up her ass – in other words, a fully frontal ASSault!!!! I ran to inform Mira of Masha's unbelievable statement!


Flashback – Mira, Ira and Naomi – in Israel

Naomi brought the naked behemoth man to his bed and had him recline on his anterior surface. He loudly brayed, "There is something alive in my ass!"


I moved toward him and stated, "Akhmed, many times when your alimentary canal is violated, the impression of continued formation continues."


He further brayed, "No, I am telling you I could feel it moving but it has now stopped!"


I retrieved a speculum and inserted it into the outermost portion of his alimentary canal. I opened the device, shone a flashlight into the alimentary void, immediately leapt back and dropped everything.


Naomi questioned, "Mira, what is wrong?"


I replied with disbelief, "I occulated ocular units!"


The behemoth man brayed, "I told you something which was once alive was in there. Get it out!"


Ira chose this inopportune time to infiltrate the room and yelled, "Mira, I am going to visit unmentionable damage to her ass and then terminate her!"


She noticed the behemoth man on the bed and questioned, "Are you treating him?"


I assured her, "Yes, I am."


She questioned, "What are his symptoms?"


He brayed, "I have something which was alive in my ass."


Ira quizzically looked at me and I again assured her, "Yes my sister, I occulated its ocular units staring malevolently back at me."


Ira scoffed, "You must have made a mistake."


I laughed at her scoff and challenged her, "Okay my sister, you occulate his rectal orifice and relate your occulations."


Curiosity acquired the better of her, she acquired my tools, performed the same procedure as I performed previously and opined, "Yes I also occulate ocular units. Mira procure me some forceps."


I was joy-overed not to perform the extraction so I gladly tendered the forceps. Ira labored as the behemoth man brayed, "Ouch! It is hurting me!"


Ira finally declared, "I have captured the creature!"


She transported the creature out of it’s out-hide. Naomi occulated the creature and questioned, "What is it?"


The behemoth man brayed in relief, "Finally, I feel much better."


I giggled and answered, "It is a Mesocricetus auratus."


Naomi stated, "What? A hamster? I thought the game of 'Hiding the Hamster' was an old wife's tale."


Then Ira said something troubling…


Flashback – Glen – At home


What the hell interrupting my great dinner! No one was cooking so why the hell did the smoke alarm activate. I listened closer, then realized it's not the detector in the kitchen, it's the one upstairs. So I pushed back from the table and ran like hell upstairs. I opened the door to Jennifer's room and immediately recognized the problem.


Flashback – Jens – At home


Rat, double Rats and triple Rats!!! I didn't think before I acted STUPID! The smoke alarm naturally went off, so I ran to the bathroom grabbed my water glass and began to throw water on the fire. You see, I was so upset at mu-ther and the stupid dresses I decided to fix them once and forever and set them on fire. Unfortunately I did not realize what it would do to the carpet…


Daddy threw open my door looked at the mess on the floor and yelled, "Jennifer what the hell did you do?"


Evelyn walked in, saw the mess and sobbed, "She ruined all her beautiful dresses!"


Then we heard the sound of fire trucks coming down the street. Daddy complained, "Shit, I forgot to call them and cancel the alarm."


He ran downstairs, left me alone with mu-thur who ordered, "You're fortunate you're a prima ballerina otherwise I'd make them take you to jail for this…


In desperation I came up with a great idea and interrupted, "Yes mother, I am now a prima ballerina and I let my emotions get the best of me. Just as when I called you the bad name the other day. You of all people should know how moody prima ballerinas are."


She looked at me and I knew it had worked when she said, "Well, I guess that I will overlook this mistake along with the other mistake. But you need to learn to better control your emotional outbursts. I know next time you feel an emotional outburst coming you must practice ballet."


I smiled and lied, "Thank you mother. That is an excellent idea."


Yes, my plan worked. If I had to do stinky ballet, at least I could also use it to get some things that I wanted.


I then pushed, "Mother, you know part of the problem is I am sooooooo hungry that I wasn't thinking straight and therefore I didn't consider doing ballet."


I watched her think then she ordered, "Jennifer, strip out of your clothes. I want to see if you are too fat."


I begrudgingly took off my clothes, mother came over to inspect me and then IT HAPPENED…


Flashback – Todd – On the island


I was restrained in a cave, heard a noise, turned and saw a waif of a woman who appeared to be oriental. A woman… A woman, who was probably no more than 90 pounds soaking wet, had done this to me?


I rattled my shackles and made a motion that I wanted to be released. She countered and raised a blowgun. I held both hands in front of my face and tried to say no but all that came out was a strange noise. She motioned for me to sit down, which I did. Then she came closer, started to change the IV bag and I saw my chance. I grabbed her arm and she…


Flashback – Alexi – At home


The cryptex was an interesting problem. It consisted of a stone cylinder compromised of five doughnut-sized disks of marble that had been stacked and affixed to one another within a delicate brass framework. End caps made it impossible to see inside the hollow cylinder. Each of the disks was carved with the entire alphabet; since they could be rotated individually, the disks could be aligned to spell different five-letter words.


I was given no information on whether the letters could repeat so I had to assume they could repeat. This revealed there were 265 or 11,881,376 unique combinations. To manually attempt all these combinations would be the task of a lifetime! I decided there must be a better way so I started by trying 'social engineering'. I entered A-L-E-X-I and of course it didn't open, that would have been too easy.


I decided there had to be an easier way so I went back to the computer and started to write a program, a program which would output all the actual five letter words…


Flashback – Masha, Jack and Tatiana – On the way to the hospital


I quickly overtook Jack and Tatiana on their way to the hospital. Jack commented, "Damn, that was fast and you look great honey!"


I blushed because I knew I did not have time to correctly apply the slight amount of makeup I used. Tatiana grinned and teased, "Yes Masha, you look great."


I made sure she saw the figa1 I expressed with my hand while I commented, "Thank you Jack."


1 figa - clenched fist with the thumb going between
  the first and second fingers. Equal to the bird.


Tatiana continued to annoy me, "What? Is there no thank you for me?"


This time I laid my second finger along my face and sarcastically inquired, "Thank you Tatiana. However, aren't you concerned about the condition of your makeup when we arrive to meet Ben???"


If I'm not confused, and I'm damn sure this time I'm not, Masha just flipped Tatiana the bird! What the fuck is going on between those two???


I should have known better to tease Masha, she retaliated with a huge concern of mine. I pulled out my mirror, looked at myself and Tвойу мат! I looked like a clown due to all the crying I had done! I began to try to fix my face when Masha ordered, "Tatiana, we do not have time for this!"


I scratched my face with the second finger of my hand…


Hells bells! I was missing something huge going on between Masha and Tatiana. They had now both flipped each other the bird.


We arrived at the hospital, rushed in and I demanded, "Where the hell are all the Spetsnaz?"


After Masha translated, the receptionist answered, "They were called away on another mission."


I continued, "What about Banzai?"


Masha again translated, "What about Ben Blaine…"


Flashback – Ben – At the hospital


Somehow, perhaps it was luck or someone praying for me, I beat the fucking Chechen into submission and then some – yeah I beat the fucking shit out of him! I took away his scimitar, prepared to execute the coup de grace with it when the fucking press ran into my room and questioned, "Sergeant Blaine, are you okay?"


I flipped the scimitar over, beat the fucker with the blunt side and stated, "Hell yes I'm fine, but where the hell are the Spetsnaz?"


One of the reporters (who was sort of cute) replied, "They heard of a Chechen group reforming in the city and went to investigate."


I thought, this is great - leave me here by myself unguarded...


The cute reporter girl continued, "So, you defeated the Chechen assassin? How did you accomplish that?"


I replied, "Well, I used whatever was close to me and in this case it was a bedpan. We call those Field Expedient Weapons."


She giggled and I liked the hell out of her. She stated, "Well, it smells like the bedpan wasn't totally empty."


I thought for a moment and replied, "Well it wasn't, and I sure could use some help cleaning up."


She smiled at me and offered, "If you don't mind, I would gladly help clean you."


Then I heard…


Flashback – Ira, Mira and Naomi – in Israel


After I extracted the Mesocricetus auratus from the behemoth man's alimentary canal, I stated, "Mira, we have an issue here. It appears the Mesocricetus auratus has damaged the alimentary canal with its claws and teeth."


The behemoth man brayed, "No wonder it still hurts…"


I walked over, examined the behemoth man's alimentary canal, noticed the damage and suggested, "Ira, I think we need to do an alimentary lavage with alcohol."


The behemoth man continued with a behemoth bray, "What! You want to put alcohol up my ass? That will kill me?"


I pondered for a moment. It would not kill him however he was correct that the pain would be intense. After reflection I added, "Ira, perhaps an application of lidocaine prior to the alcohol lavage would be beneficial?"


Naomi commented, "Yes, after the initial sting, the lidocaine greatly helped me handle the pain of the debridement of my knees."


I removed a new syringe from the medical bag, filled it completely with lidocaine, then commanded, "Please restrain the behemoth man."


He brayed, "I thought it wouldn't hurt so why must you restrain me?"


Naomi explained, "It will just sting initially."


They restrained him while I flooded his rectum and alimentary canal with the lidocaine. The behemoth patient screamed in pain and then flopped around on the bed like a pike out of water. I was forced to jump on his bare behemoth massive ass (and I don't mean donkey) to help hold him to the bed.


He cried, "Oh my God that hurts!!!!"


Naomi comforted him, "Master, the pain will leave soon, please be patient."


The pain finally subsided so I occulated Naomi and requested, "Do you have any vodka in the domicile?"


The behemoth man brayed, "I won't have that vile liquor in my house."


Naomi added, "Mira, we only have wine and champagne."


I thought for a moment and stated, "Neither of those will work because the alcohol content is not sufficient. Ira, please accompany Naomi and purchase at least a liter of vodka."


Naomi questioned, "Mira, cannot we use the rubbing alcohol which I use to massage my master?"


I informed her, "Unfortunately no. The alimentary canal will absorb the alcohol and isopropyl alcohol would poison him."


Ira and Naomi left and I could not believe what the behemoth man then asked…


Flashback – Tatiana, Masha, Ben and Jack – At the hospital


The receptionist told us that my Ben defeated the Chechen assassin and that he was being interviewed by the news. We walked into Ben's room, the Chechen was lying wounded on the floor and the room smelled like feces.


Then I heard a woman reporter as she offered, "If you don't mind, I would gladly help clean you."


I exploded, "If you touch my man, it will be the last man that you touch."


Everyone turned, looked at me and the reporter brazenly asked, "I thought you were a lesbian and isn't that your lesbian lover behind you?"


I lunged toward the reporter but was restrained…


Tatiana lunged toward the reporter that flirted with Ben, but I grabbed her and then ordered, "Jack, please aid me."


Jack assisted, Tatiana spun and tried to strike me and Jack. My Jack intercepted and deflected the punch. Then he drew back his arm when Ben yelled…


I yelled, "Jack, she might not be my personal nurse any longer, but she is still my girlfriend. If you hit her I'm going to kick your ass!"


Jack complained, "She was going to hit Masha."


I stated, "Jack, there's a difference between two women hitting each other and you hitting a woman, especially my Tatiana. You hit her and you have to answer to me and even though I'm in a wheelchair, don't think that I couldn't take you. Fuck, I just beat the shit out of a Chechen assassin, so I know I can still beat the shit out of you…


I knew I needed to do something to save the situation so I laughed, "So Banzai, is that why it smells like shit in here?"


It worked and everyone laughed. Then Banzai explained, "Hey, I grabbed the first thing that was handy and used it. It wasn't my fault it wasn't empty."


Tatiana stated, "Well, if you had not fired me as your personal nurse it would have been empty."


Banzai countered, "Well, it wasn't working out with you being both my personal nurse and my girlfriend. So you decide which one you'd rather be."


Tatiana immediately decided, "If I can only be one, then I choose to be your girlfriend."


Banzai surprised the hell out of us with what he said next…