Chapter 056

Home 2 Chapter 056

Copyright 2014 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia

 

Flashback – Tatiana – In the HIND 24 headed to Moscow

 

Ben Blaine has infuriated me for the very last time! He is as bad as Russian men to wrongly assume that women only have two problems. I glared at Ben and stated, "Ben Blaine, I’m certain that you must know that all of women's problems start with men."

 

He laughed and countered, "Like hell! God created man first and then created woman from Adam's rib, a cheaper cut of meat." The sarcasm was obvious when he emphasized cheaper.

 

I decided to express my displeasure by relating to Ben a common joke among Russian women, "Okay Mr. Smart Pants, there is MENstruation, MENtal breakdown and the worst - MENopause. All of those start with men."

 

Masha added her own thoughts to my tirade, "No, the worst is "HISterectomy."

 

Ben began his annoying laughter again and confronted us, "Well, if Eve hadn't eaten the forbidden fruit in the garden of Eden we'd all still be living in a paradise. And don't think that I can't spell hysterectomy – it's hy not hi."

 

I was totally frustrated and in my inebriated state I made a huge error and stated, "Ben Blaine, I hereby fire you as my boyfriend!"

 

I no sooner made that statement than Masha began to flash me some hand signals which I could not understand. Elena grinned while adding confusion, "So then Tatiana, you will not mind if I date Ben?"

 

Her statement made me realize my terrible mistake, but the words had already left my mouth and there was no way to take them back…

 

Flashback – Ben and Elena – In the HIND 24 headed to Moscow

 

Hells fucking Bells, things were a huge mess! Tatiana fired me as her boyfriend, something I never thought she would do, and now Elena wants to be my girlfriend. This is one huge Mongolian Cluster Fuck! Elena is cute enough and I am moderately attracted to her, but I'm old fashioned and not sure I'm ready to have a bi-sexual girlfriend. Hell, if she became my girlfriend, I would wonder who else or what else had been where I hoped to go. Besides Tatiana and I had history and history was important as hell to me.

 

I got ready to raise some serious hell when I was saved by the pilot as he announced, "We need to set down at a base and refuel. While we could refuel inflight, it's safer if we perform this on the ground. Please make sure you are secured in your seats. For safety purposes you will be asked to exit the helicopter during the refueling."

 

Setting down was smooth as a baby's butt, Elena began to help me out of the chopper and I'm surprised when she said…

 

I need to inform Ben of a very important fact. So as we exit the helicopter I whisper, "Ben, please do not be offended, however I really do not want you for my boyfriend. I was hoping that Tatiana would come to her senses and dispute my claim for your affection, however it would appear that time for that reaction has passed."

 

I fight back serious laughter and whisper, "That's good, because to tell you the truth I'm not sure I would want the competition from the other gender. So what's the next part of your plan?"

I am shocked and realized that she hadn't sufficiently analyzed the possible results of what she did next…

 

Flashback – Masha and Jack – In the HIND 24 stopped to refuel

 

As we left the helicopter, I asked the pilot, "Would it be possible to take a bathroom break?"

 

He answered affirmatively and Tatiana and I headed toward the bathroom to take care of my problem - that is until something shocking happened…

 

Well the proverbial shit hit the fan! First Tatiana fired Banzai as her boyfriend, then Elena informed us she wanted Banzai for her boyfriend (now what the hell was wrong with these women?). Masha and Tatiana took off for the bathroom to fix Masha's 'women's problem' (I was both thankful and sad Banzai told me her problem: Thankful because I really didn't want to father a child yet and sad – well because I sort of liked the idea of fathering a child (damn why is it that women always put men in between a rock and a hard place?).

 

The chopper had spooled down and we heard a hell of a noise behind us - it sounded like someone was having a hell of a fight. We turned and I couldn't fucking believe what I saw…

 

Flashback – Tatiana – In the HIND 24 stopped to refuel

 

I was helping Masha to the bathroom when we heard a noise like a fight behind us. I turned around and… and… and I could not believe my eyes. Elena was giving Ben, no MY BEN a huge kiss! At first he seemed to fight her but then and even worse he seemed like he began to enjoy it.

 

Masha urged, "Tatiana if you still want Ben for your boyfriend then you need to do something about this, just do not kill Elena."

 

I ran toward the two of them and yelled, "Elena, get off my man!"

 

What she did next surprised everyone…

 

Flashback – Jens – At the military hospital

 

I hung up the phone and told the military lawyer, "I need to get to the emergency room."

 

Like a typical lawyer, he questioned, "What's wrong?"

 

I shuddered some, thought about telling him a lie, but knew that he would eventually know the truth so I answered, "The phone call was from Daddy, my mother was in a car accident and an ambulance is bringing her here."

 

The lawyer continued his annoying questioning as I threw a robe over my camo sports bra and yoga pants, "Was your father hurt?"

 

I became a little worried because I hadn't thought about that and didn't ask Daddy. So I answered, "I'm not sure but I'm heading to the emergency room to check on both of them."

 

The lawyer said, "Well most of the interview is finished anyway and I need to see about getting your mother into an alcoholic rehabilitation program. Once that's settled then I need to talk to your nurse to see about having her drop the charges."

 

His last statement surprised me so I stopped and asked, "Drop the charges? I thought you were a prosecutor?"

 

He smiled his annoying smile again and explained, "No, I'm a lawyer and in many instances, especially like this instance, prosecution isn't the best course of action."

 

Paying hardly any further attention to the lawyer, I flew out of the room and almost ran down the hallway. I passed the nurse's station and Katie demanded, "Where do you think you are going?"

 

I didn't have time for her so I gave her my Prima Ballerina attitude, "I'm too busy to stay and chat and if you don't like it you can kiss my rear."

 

I didn't hear her response because amazingly the elevator opened. I entered and pressed the button for level 1. Why is it when you want something like an elevator to be fast, it seems to have to stop on each floor, and then it takes like for-fricken-ever for the people to get on the off the elevator car? The elevator finally reached the first floor, I rudely pushed my way through the other people in front of the elevator a couple of them complained, "Well I never – Can't you wait like everyone else."

 

I bitched like the Prima Ballerina I was becoming and answered, "My mother was in a car accident and they are bringing her to the emergency room, so you can all bite my rear!"

 

I reached the emergency room and was amazed when I saw Daddy with Katie my nurse. I ran up and rapidly asked, "Daddy are you okay? Were you in the car accident? Katie, how in hades did you get here before me?"

 

Daddy gave me the hug I needed to strengthen me (but wisely didn't squeeze so hard that it hurt my burns), pulled away, smiled at me and said, "I'm fine my girl since I wasn't driving. Evelyn took my car when I was getting some coffee for us."

 

Katie snidely answered, "Well, it's nice to see the Prima Ballerina has retreated for the current occasion. The JA told me what happened and you should know anytime you need to get someplace in a hurry in the hospital you never take the elevator. I ran down the stairs."

 

I initially felt badly about how I talked to Katie and considered apologizing until her sarcastic reply. I felt my anger rising and the Prima Bitcherina prepared to respond… but then the ambulance arrived. Once again it seemed like it took like for-ficken-ever for them to open the back doors and unload the gurney with my mother on it. They wheeled it into the emergency room, right past us and I gasped: Mother, my mother looked really bad! She had blood everywhere, cuts on her face, had a brace on her neck and what looked to be a splint on both of her arms. I started to follow into the examination room when Katie grabbed my arm and told me, "Jennifer, you need to stay out here and let them do their job - you will just be in the way if you're in the exam room."

 

I was overwhelmed with my emotions. Even though mother had beaten me recently, she was still my mother and I wanted to be by her side. Plus, I'd had my fill of Katie so I yanked my arm out of her hand and prepared to kick her rear when Daddy added, "Jennifer, Katie is correct, the best thing for us to do is stay out here and let the doctors do their job."

 

I looked into Daddy's eyes, could see how worried he was and decided he was right and I understood he sure didn't need the added stress of me going crazy right now. Katie stated, "Jennifer, I just needed to make sure that you arrived here safely. I will note in your chart that you're here so feel free to stay for as long as needed."

 

She left, Daddy and I sat in a waiting room chair and held hands. Just when I began to calm down, something else bad happened…

 

Flashback – Alexi – In the laboratory sometime later

 

I slowly awoke, my head pounded and my whole body ached. I tried to move my arms and I couldn't move them; I tried to sit but couldn't sit; I tried to move my legs and I couldn't. Then I realized that I was restrained to the bed! How did this happen? The last thing I remembered, I had escaped and now things were worse than ever!

 

I heard my 'father' when he said, "Alexi, thank God you are finally awake." Then he began to call, "Mother, Alexi is finally awake."

 

Mother came to the edge of the bed, scowled at me and complained, "Alexi, are you finally finished with this foolishness?"

 

I remembered my plan, considered parroting my mother but decided it was time for now to terminate that particular course of action. However, I needed an escape so I put my most questioning look on my face and asked, "'Mother' and 'father' what am I doing here?"

 

'Mother' continued her scowl however 'father' threw up his hands and exclaimed, "Thank God our boy is back."

 

The psychologist came in, looked down at me and questioned, "Alexi, do you remember anything that happened?"

 

I presented him with my most innocent smile and lied, "No Sir, however these straps are very uncomfortable and I am very hungry."

 

He motioned to my 'parents' so they moved off to the side of the room and consulted, not knowing I could hear the discussion as the psychologist stated, "It appears that the electric fence has provided the required stimulus to restore Alexi's normal brain functioning."

 

I became highly concerned and immediately knew I had to modify any future plans when 'Mother' stated, "See, I told you he needed electric shock therapy. Perhaps next time you will listen to me?"

 

I Interrupted, "May I please be released so I can use the bathroom?"

 

They released me, I walked into the bathroom, turned around three times (like a dog) then pulled down my pants and sat down on the toilet.

 

'Mother' vociferously complained, "Alexi, you know better than that, close the door."

 

'Father' saved me when he rushed over and closed the door…

 

Flashback – Safia – in Israel about a week later

 

I certainly found out that I should never get Ira that agitated at me. I kept complaining about the lice while Ira and I were showering the girls and Ira finally slapped me so hard that my teeth still hurt - and that was a week ago.

 

But we have been busy this week. First, after several tries we finally got the house de-loused! Thank God! Many things needed to be destroyed so Akhmed has been busy going crazy consulting with an interior designer to redecorate his house - it has been shocking how much money he spent.

 

Next Mira placed me on my new all natural schizophrenia treatment and I felt the best I've ever felt. Plus, the twins have started my physical training so each day we run, lift weights and then have martial arts training.

 

Let's see what else have I forgotten? Oh yes, Mira and Ira took care of the crazy things my sister did with the drug cartel but I don't have any details.

 

And this was really funny: Mira started to fix Akhmed's hormonal problem, then put him on an exercise program and a very strict diet. After he broke two treadmills Mira changed his routine so the twins now forced him to run laps around the house - if he did not run fast enough they shot him with a bb-gun.

 

Ah yes the young girls. We discovered that they were either sold to the dead eunuch guards or stolen from their families. Akhmed contacted their parents and like I assumed, the parents did not want them back. It was a shame in this culture that girls had no worth to their parents. So Akhmed was honoring his word to Mira and he had a wedding planner who has planned the ceremony. It is a huge event and has everyone in a tizzy.

 

As far as Akhmed's previous harem, he gave them a choice of leaving or being sold to a new master. Since most of the women had no skills other than their bodies, they elected to be sold. The surprise was my sister’s behavior as we woke up one morning to find she was gone, without even saying goodbye.

 

Oh my God, I almost forgot the funniest thing that's happened this week. Here come Mira and Ira so I will let you see for yourself…

 

Flashback – Mira, Safia and Ira – in Israel about a week later

 

My sister accompanied me into the room, Safia occulated us and displayed unbridled mirth in such a great quantity that she rolled on the floor so I remarked, "Watson, I deduce that our Baker Street Irregular (what they call Safia) finds our accoutrements mirthful."

 

Ira sarcastically contraindicated, "Not so Sherlock, my accoutrements are faithful reproductions. I believe she finds your reliance on wearing the deerstalker cap and use of the magnification optics mirthful."

 

I stopped turned and corrected my sibling, "If my memory serves me correctly, it is my day to be Sherlock Holmes so that would make you Watson - which means you may not attempt any deductions unless consulted with and approved by my corporeal self. Please stay within the parameters of your character…"

 

I never imagined in my wildest dreams that my 'no shit Sherlock' comment would create such a spectacle. That's right, Akhmed provided the twins Sherlock Holmes books out of his library and they practically devoured them. They spent all their free time reading them and discussing them, and let me tell you, you didn't want to be in the room when they had those discussions because sometimes the disagreements became violent. Yes, they were seriously hooked on Sherlock Holmes and switched each day which one was Sherlock and which one was Watson. And like everything the twins did, their roleplaying was serious for them, while it was very entertaining for others. Unfortunately, I had just committed a serious mistake…

 

I accepted Mira's admonition to resist deviation from my character because this was her day to be Sherlock and replied, "My apologies Sherlock, as always you are correct. However, should you not deal with such an open kerfuffle of our accoutrements?"

 

Sherlock (Mira) pondered for a moment and replied, "Watson, I do not feel that her kerfuffle this time warrants assuming the position for corporeal punishment. What would you suggest?"

 

I appreciated that Holmes consulted me so I replied, "As always I concur with your deduction Sherlock. If I could be so bold I would suggest a physical challenge."

 

Sherlock pondered my answer and responded, "Yes I concur with your concurrence. I would surmise she should 'drop and give us twenty'…"

 

I was thankful this time the punishment wasn't the threatened 'assume the position'. That meant to bend over, grab your ankles while they spanked the hell out of you. They did that to me once and I couldn't sit for the rest of the day. I jumped up, assumed the correct position and did twenty pushups while I made sure not to laugh at them while performing the physical challenge.

 

Unfortunately, Akhmed walked into the room and laughed…

 

This open kerfuffle of our accoutrements needed to cease! I walked toward Akhmed, held out my magnifying optic and insulted his being, "Watson, I do believe that Akhmed needs my magnifying optic so he can occulate his miniscule training tool."

 

Watson (Ira) replied, "Your deduction is once again correct, however won't he need a mirror because the great girth of his abdominal cavity prohibits direct occulation of his training tool."

 

I questioned, "Perhaps he needs greater physical training to decrease his girth."

 

Akhmed held up his hands and complained, "Please accept my apology Sherlock, I really didn't mean to laugh."

 

I pondered the situation for several minutes and came to a decision, "Watson, I believe that our Baker Street Irregular should force Akhmed to perform another five laps around the house."

 

Our Baker Street Irregular jumped up and stated, "Thank you Sherlock, I will make sure he completes the assigned punishment in record time."

 

Akhmed began to bray and I countered, "Baker Street Irregular, if he complains make it ten laps…"

 

I looked at Sherlock (Mira), occulated my timepiece and suggested, "Sherlock, I believe our appointed time for reading is at hand."

 

Sherlock (Mira) occulated her timepiece and concurred, "Watson you are correct. Shall we translocate to the library…"

 

Flashback – Todd – On the island

 

I took some side trails, looped back to see why the Chinese troops had stopped firing so quickly and I should have known - they all were dead with Liu's arrows making them look like pincushions. Then I heard a male voice that spoke Chinese behind me. I could only assume it meant to put my bow and arrows on the ground so I slowly and carefully placed them on the ground.

 

Someone kicked me behind the knees, I fell to the ground and felt a muzzle press against the back of my head. I prepared myself for the end of my life and was shocked when my hands were handcuffed behind my back and then I was pulled up by my arms.

 

When I saw my assailants I was shocked: There were more than one of them and they wore masks. I did a quick tactical assessment: Unlike normal Chinese troops, these masked soldiers carried M-16's, two side arms (one on each side) and carried two swords on their back in draw from behind the head sheaths. They began to march me toward what I believed was the direction of the abandoned base and I couldn't help but feel that I was seriously fucked…

 

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