Chapter 060

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Copyright 2014 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia

 

Flashback – Jack – In Moscow

 

I just told Banzai about Major M coming back to Moscow and he reacted even worse than I expected he would. His reaction made me question what in the hell Banzai had planned, so I asked him and he answered, "Jack, when I get the feeling back in my legs I'm going to leave and take out the rest of those fucking Chechen terrorists."

 

I knew my face showed the shock about this information so I asked, "Just how in hell do you plan on getting fucking Major M or the Russian officers to approve this mission?"

 

Banzai didn't give me his silly grin and his face became more serious than I've ever seen as he replied, "Fuck Major M and double fuck the Russian officers! I'm not going to ask their fucking permission, I'm just going to do it."

 

Hells fucking bells, this was the last thing I wanted to hear! I was just getting ready to settle down with Masha and Banzai planned on doing something crazy that would fuck up everything. I complained, "Well going AWOL might be fine for you, but what the hell about me?"

 

Banzai smiled and said, "Don't worry Jack, you're going to stay here, marry Masha and run interference for me."

 

I tried to figure out what was going to be worse: Going with Banzai or staying here and catching all the shit from one of his crazy schemes when the door opened…

 

Flashback – Tatiana – In Moscow

 

I opened the door to Ben's room and immediately knew something was wrong since Jack and Ben were more serious than I had ever seen them. Hell, usually they were laughing about things - most of the time something Ben said or did to me! However their normal jovial mood was replaced with solemn faces so I hid my anger at Ben's earlier comments and asked, "What is wrong? You two look like you are going to a funeral."

 

Ben faked a smile and related a very obvious lie, "Nothing that concerns you Tatiana."

 

Jack turned, looked at me and added, "I just informed Banzai that Major M is coming back."

 

Tвойу мат! Things had finally become just acceptable and I knew if the Major came here he would make a mess out of things. I needed to discuss this new information with Masha and we needed to develop a new course of action. I continued with my smile and stated, "Well that is something for later, right now it's time for me to take Ben to his PT."

 

Ben grinned at me and declared, "I already did my PT in the room."

 

I delivered my best 'cross nurse' look because I assumed he was referring  to our earlier actions. He laughed and explained, "Tatiana, de-stress your breasts, I didn't mean what we did earlier after the sponge bath. I actually did 100 pushups, 100 pull ups and several hundred sit ups."

 

Jack laughed at the first part of his answer (which made me blush) and commented, "That's right, when I came in he was doing pull ups."

 

I glared at Ben and complained, "Ben, you are not following the doctor's orders and might hurt yourself."

 

Ben regained his sense of humor (which I loved when not directed against me), laughed and answered, "Fuck the doctors and double fuck the physical therapists; they don't know shit about what my body needs."

 

It was time for me to turn the tables on Ben so I resorted to a traditional proverb, "Что ру́сскому здо́рово, то не́мцу сме́рть."

One man's meat is another man's poison. Literal: What is good to a Russian, is death for a German.


 

I became very frustrated when Ben smiled and replied, "Язык говорит, а голова и не ведает.

 

The tongue speaks, but the head doesn't know.

 

I should have known better - Ben somehow knew all the traditional Russian sayings. Every time I used one with him, he came up with something better. I used my stern nurse voice and commanded, "Ben, you are coming to physical therapy."

 

He smiled at me (I loved when he did that) and surprisingly complied, "Okay Tatiana have it your way. We'll see you later Jack, cut back on the food you're eating, and don't take those fries out of the trash."

 

I am amazed at how well he got into his wheelchair and longed for the time when he wouldn't need it and we could walk hand in hand back to my place on the cold, snowy Moscow nights.

 

I escorted him out of the room, closed the door and the first thing he asked was, "Tatiana, how is it coming with Masha and Jack's wedding?"

 

I looked back at the door to Ben's room so he added, "Don't worry Tatiana, even though I told him not to, Jack is taking the fries out of the trash and will be busy eating them."

 

I gladly gave Ben a report on all I've done. When I finished Ben praised me and I felt wonderful. Then he ruined it when he asked, "You never did tell me what Masha sold to come up with the money to bribe Elena."

 

I was glad I talked to Masha about this and even gladder that Ben couldn't see my face when I replied, "She sold her car."

 

Like I knew he would he questioned, "Really, what sort of car was it?"

 

I smiled and confidently answered, "It was a Citroën DS."

 

I could tell Masha had made a mistake when Ben got excited and exclaimed, "That's a great fucking car! It’s probably one of the most futuristic and best cars ever built. It had a hydropneumatic, self-levelling suspension so tell me what it was like riding in it!"

 

Shoot this wasn't going at all like it was supposed to. Ben was supposed to hate the car and not ask any questions. I lied through my teeth, "The ride was incredible, even on the Moscow streets which are plagued by frost heaves."

 

Ben unfortunately continued with his questions, "So what year was it and what color was it?"

 

I was glad Ben could not see my face or he would know I was obviously lying. I created my facts and replied, "It was a 1970 and was light blue."

 

Ben continued his questioning onslaught, "Damn, that means it had the higher horsepower motor with the Weber-32 twin body carburetor and produced 83 horsepower. Tell me what it was like when Masha shifted it because it didn't have a clutch pedal like most cars."

 

I was totally baffled and said, "Ben, I am really not sure what you are talking about. You will need to ask Masha this question and any further questions because I don't know how to drive."

 

I could sense the disappointment in Ben's voice when he finally relented on the questions and apologized, "Sorry about all the questions, but that happens to be one of my favorite cars and I would have loved to ride in one."

 

I inwardly smiled and knew that Masha was going to have an even worse time than I did the next time she encountered Ben.

 

We arrived at the physical therapy department and Ben once again complained, "Tatiana, can you please tell these fuckers I need a more strenuous program."

 

I had suffered enough from Ben and determined it was time to inflict some of my own agony so as I left him I declared, "Sorry Ben, but you need to follow the doctor's orders."

 

Flashback – Jens – At the military hospital

 

I walked into my room, took one look at the messed up bed, walked over to it and Ewwwww gross! I pressed the call button, Katie came into my room and asked, "Jennifer what do you need?"

 

I pointed at the bed and asked, "Katie is that a used prophylactic in my bed?"

 

Katie walked over, looked at the offending article and answered, "Yes Jennifer, it is."

 

I put on my best Prima Bitcharina attitude and complained, "Katie, how in the heck did that get in my bed! In fact how in the heck did my bed get so messed up?"

 

She thought about her response and then said, "Jennifer, I hate to tell you this but two of your friends stopped by while you were at the emergency room."

 

I was sure who it was (but I hoped it wasn't) so I asked, "Which of my so called friends were visitors?"

 

Katie gave me the worst possible answer when she said, "It was Robert and Megan. Oh, but I'm sure they didn't have sex in your bed."

 

After Megan's response earlier, I knew better! She and Robert had sex in my bed! I became the Prima Bitcharina and ordered, "Katie, I refuse to sleep on this bed and new sheets are not going to cut it. This is your fricken fault and I want a new bed!"

Katie waffled and answered, "Jennifer, I'm not sure I can do that."

 

I was pissed and said, "Then I want to speak with the nursing supervisor on duty. Perhaps she will take this more seriously than you seem to be capable of!"

 

Katie looked totally miserable and tried to console me, "Jennifer, if you give me a chance I will fix this."

 

I reiterated, "Katie! The only way to fix this is for me to get a new bed. Robert is a pervert, has slept with many girls and I don't want to catch any diseases that he might have. You will get me a new bed or you will let me talk with the nursing supervisor on duty!"

 

Katie looked defeated and said, "Okay, I will see what I can do!"

 

She started to leave and I continued, "Don't see what you can do, just get me a new fricken bed!"

 

Katie left and I couldn't believe that my BFF had done this to me! The audacity to have sex with Robert in my bed! I opened my computer, wrote Megan a nasty e-mail and told her to never come and visit me again. I also lied to her and told her the prophylactic had a tear in it and had leaked all over the sheets! "

 

A new e-mail came in and I couldn't fricken believe it! I was going to respond to it when someone knocked on the door, and a person I hadn't noticed came into the room…

 

Flashback – Alexi – In the laboratory sometime later

 

I pretended to be asleep and listened to the conversation between my 'parents' and the psychologist. My father stated, "I am not sure I like the new symptoms Alexi is displaying; now he is acting like a canine."

 

Mother concurred, "Yes, it is upsetting; I thought he was cured only to have my hopes extinguished as he exhibited these new symptoms."

 

The psychologist calmed both of them when he said, "Both of you are overreacting to Alexi's new symptoms. I see the new psychosis of acting like a dog to be a great step forward. It is certainly not annoying like his previous symptoms."

 

'Father' commented, "You are correct, we could not tolerate it when Alexi repeated everything we said."

 

'Mother' added, "Yes, I was ready to spank him with a belt."

 

The psychologist scolded my 'mother', "There is no physical punishment which will be effective in situations such as his. After careful consideration I am certain that his mental instability is not caused by anything organic. I feel that his problems are caused by a lack of love and scientific coldness in the manner you have raised him."

 

'Father' questioned, "Are you sure that my treatments have not precipitated his mental breakdown?"

 

The psychologist confirmed, "I have carefully reviewed the drugs which you have been giving Alexi, consulted with many of my colleagues and we all concur that Alexi's problems are not associated with any of the drugs which you have administered to him. His problems are a manifestation of the lack of love and emotional warmth in your home"

 

'Mother' attacked, "I do not concur with your assumptions! Alexi has been blessed to have us for his parents and we have personally shown him more love than we share with each other."

 

The psychologist tsked (he did this when he was upset) and countered, "Yes, that is part of the problem. You must consider that Alexi is old enough to realize everything in your household is not copacetic. In fact, in view of his psychological problems I think we need to seriously consider removing him from your household. Unless you two can rectify your relationship problems, he would be better served living here."

 

'Father' greatly complained, "Such an action would only happen over my dead body."

 

I decided I had heard enough so I feigned waking, stretched just as a dog always stretches before they get up, looked at my 'parents' and asked, "'Father' and 'mother' I am hungry, can we go home and get something to eat? I would really like some pelmini."

 

'Mother' glared at the psychologist and triumphantly announced, "See, I told you your assumptions were incorrect since he wants to return home with us."

 

'Father' answered me, "Yes son, we will leave for home immediately and will buy some pelmini on the way home."

 

We left for home in our car. To further confound the situation, on our journey I rolled down the window and stuck my head outside...

 

Flashback – Ira, Mira and Safia – in Israel

 

To verbalize my jealous reaction would be a statement-under. Our first real mystery arrived and it was Mira's day to function as Sherlock Holmes! I recognized that even without the silly Sherlock accoutrements of a deerstalker cap and the magnifying optic, I performed the Sherlock role more admirably.

 

We dashed to the kitchen, Mira flung the door open and we proceeded to pounce (not literally) upon the Mrs. Hudson (whom they called the cook). Sherlock held up the magnifying optic and questioned…

 

We surprised the Mrs. Hudson, I observed her with my magnifying optic and questioned, "It has come to our attention that Akhmed might have provided you with fiscal incentive to increase the quantity of sustenance which you provide."

 

Mrs. Hudson looked flummoxed then Safia, our Baker Street Irregular, assisted…

 

The cook was obviously confused and I couldn't blame her for not understanding Mira since it was normally all I could do to fully fathom her. However, I knew if I didn't help the cook answer in a timely manner, Mira would order me to shoot her with the bb-gun. I looked at the cook and translated, "Mira wants to know if Akhmed has paid you to give him extra food."

 

I was surprised at what the cook did next…

 

My interrogation technique worked perfectly as fear crossed the Mrs. Hudson's face and she confessed, "Please do not kill or hurt me! Yes, I have been buying and giving Akhmed much more food than what you ordered for his diet."

 

I consulted Watson, "Dr. Watson, what punishment do you feel the Mrs. Hudson deserves?"

Sherlock consulted me, however I was still quite cross so I answered, "I think she should be terminated."

 

Mrs. Hudson began to bray and begged, "Please do not kill me."

 

Safia surprised us when she provided a reasoned solution…

 

This had gone too far! There was no way I was going to let the twins fire the cook. It was hard to find good cooks and she was a very good cook. Plus, the twins scared the crap out of her. When Ira said 'terminate' the cook she thought they meant kill her. I interrupted, "Sherlock and Dr. Watson, is it not better to get Mrs. Hudson to promise not to feed Akhmed any extra food than to find a new cook and have to start all over again?"

 

Sherlock scanned me with her magnifying glass, turned to Dr. Watson and stated, "Dr. Watson, I do believe the Baker Street Irregular's idea has merit."

 

Ira, still in a snit, replied, "I still think that termination is the proper solution."

 

I became bold and confronted Ira, "Well, if you fire her then which one of you would take over cooking duties. I would suggest that you check the amount spent on food each week, then she can't buy any extra food for Akhmed."

 

Mira smiled and stated, "Once again our Baker Street Irregular has given us two pieces of valued advice. Dr. Watson, I do not care to assume the Mrs. Hudson's duties, do you?"

 

Ira answered, "Certainly not Sherlock, you know that the Mrs. Hudson always does the cooking for us."

 

Mira decided, "Then it is settled, the Mrs. Hudson you may keep your current job. Our primary Baker Street Irregular will be responsible to assure that you do not provide any extra food to Akhmed. However Dr. Watson, we still have the rest of the Baker Street Irregulars (what they called the young soon-to-be wives) to interrogate. Quick Dr. Watson, the game is still afoot."

 

I was totally shocked at what happened next…

 

Flashback – Todd – On the island

 

I got away from the masked troops and hauled ass as fast as I could. I could hear them behind me and was thankful that I had been running the jungle with Liu and had learned to identify her traps. The masked troops we're not so lucky and the traps I bypassed started to capture them.

 

There still wasn't anytime to slow down as I had no weapons and needed to get away. I ran my ass off until…

 

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