Chapter 074

Home 2 Chapter 074

Copyright 2014 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia

 

Flashback – Ben – Leaving Moscow

 

I finished changing into my BDUs after the drunken fucking chick damn near ran me down. When I looked at the wooden crate in the back of the козел I knew what I needed to do. I closed up the back of the козел, climbed back into the driver's seat and began to drive again, making sure to scan the road for any interesting looking side roads where I could exit.

 

I saw an old weathered sign announcing the next side road lead to a quarry - this would be the perfect place for my needs. I took the exit for the quarry, put the козел in 4-wheel drive, memorized the reading on the odometer and continued down the road. After about five klicks I reached the quarry which was surrounded by what looked to be a ten foot chain link fence with barbwire on the top; there was a gate which was locked with a chain and padlock. The place looked like it hadn't been used for years and now the condition of the sign made sense.

 

I stopped the козел beside a small guard shack, hopped out of the driver's seat walked up to the shack and verified it was empty with a window broken out of the door and the door was unlocked. I opened the door, recoiled at the smell of alcohol and something I couldn't quite place. Then I realized it was the nasty smell of old rancid sex from the many condoms which littered a corner of the shack. I guess someone, possibly teenagers, used this as a place to hook up. I felt damn sorry for the girl who needed to come to such a nasty-assed place to have sex. I held my breath, went in and searched for a key for the gate in a key box on the wall. Unfortunately it was empty.

 

This was no problem because the козел had a winch on the front. I climbed back into the driver's seat, pulled the front of the Козел about ten feet away from the side of the gate, jumped out, spooled some cable off the winch and hooked it up to the side of the gate away from the opening. I made sure the winch's brake was set, climbed back into the козел and slowly backed up.

 

It didn't take much force at all and the hinges of the gate snapped right off. I loved it when a plan worked! I chose that side of the gate because the hinges looked old and would snap easier than the chain and padlock. I backed around and pulled the side of the gate toward the middle until there was enough room for my козел to pass. I disconnected the козел, drove inside to the edge of the quarry and knew it would be perfect for what I needed. My stomach growled and reminded me I hadn't eaten anything since the meal Tatiana lied to me about making. Yeah, I was still sore about the lie but I figured things pretty much evened out since she was most likely royally pissed about me taking off. And it wasn't like I didn't lie to her and almost everyone else about the function of my legs.

 

I went to the back of the козел, opened up the food container and was surprised as hell! Yuri had filled it to the brim with 24 hour officer rations. These were great and much better than our MREs because they contained real food in real cans.

 

I grabbed one off the top, took out my knife, slit open the camo Mylar bag and pulled out the box that was inside. I flipped over the bag to read that it contained the following items: Survival matches (6), dried salted fish jerky (nasty as hell unless you were Russian and happened to have been raised on the stuff), drink mixes (3), melted cheese (soft cheese sort of like Velveeta but more buttery), army crackers (6 packages), meat pate (tastes like smashed up Vienna sausages), American chocolate, instant coffee, sugar (2 packs), instant cream, mixed vegetables, nasty gelled pork, puree of plums, nice gum, apple sauce, tea, wet wipes (4), beef stew, goulash with potatoes, chicken and rice, and finally a hexamine stove.

 

It might seem like too much food, but it was your food for the whole day. However it was just over 4000 calories and since I wasn't going to be fighting I wouldn't need nearly that much. As I tried to decide what to eat for breakfast, I looked through the back of my Козел and I just might forgive Yuri for the prank he pulled on me: There was a box marked stove which I opened and inside I found a Russian clone of the Optimus 8R stove which was much better and faster than the damn hexamine tablet stove which came with the officer rations.

 

I decided to have the chicken and rice for breakfast along with some of the melted cheese and crackers. I peeled back the cover over the chicken and rice, fired up the stove and put it on to heat. While it was heating I opened up the melted cheese and one pack of crackers and began to eat them while I put some water in my canteen cup for some drink mix. I wanted some coffee but I was tired as hell and needed to catch a few winks so I decided to leave it for when I woke up. My meal was just getting warm enough to eat, the smell wafted through the air and made my stomach growl, when I had a surprise visitor…

 

Flashback – Jack and Masha – In Moscow

 

Tatiana had Banzai's entire chart doctored other than getting the fake medical appointments entered into the hospital computer system when she hit the proverbial stone wall. I figured I would use some of the money Banzai left for Masha to buy her car back to bribe the man who ran the records department in the hospital. We went into his office, he closed the door, sat down and Masha questioned, "Do you speak English because my fiancé does not speak much Russian?"

 

He looked at me and answered, "Yes I do have some English, now how might I give you service?"

 

Masha explained, "We would like for you to create several appointments in the computer system which correspond with doctor reports which are in his chart."

 

I sure as hell didn't like the way he glared at Masha and then rudely answered, "Are these the same falsified records which that nurse asked me to enter into the computer?"

 

Masha replied, "If you are talking about Tatiana, then yes it is the same records she asked you to enter into the computer."

 

He stood up and ordered, "That I refuse to perform! Now leave my office."

 

I gave him one of my best grins and asked, "Not even for five-hundred dollars?"

 

He turned his attention to me, glared at me and commanded, "Both of you leave my office immediately!"

 

I was just getting ready to beat his fat pompous ass when the door opened and Yuri walked in. He looked at Masha, me, and the dickhead that was standing behind is desk and asked, "Jack, Tatiana told me you are having some problems. Is this true?"

 

I motioned with my thumb toward the dickhead and answered, "Yeah Yuri, this prick won't help us fix Ben's records and the Major should be here soon."

 

Yuri opened the door, barked some orders in Russian and the whole damn office filled with the remainder of our Spetsnaz team. Yuri glared at the dickhead and started to bark at him in Russian. The dickhead looked shocked, he nodded his head and uttered many, " Даs" which I did understand. Yuri relaxed, looked at me and said, "Jack, the problem has been resolved. We came to take you and your lovely fiancée out for breakfast."

 

I thought for a moment and said, "Sorry Yuri, we already had breakfast and I'm not going to eat more."

 

Yuri gave me a disbelieving look and questioned, "Jack, I have never known you to turn down a good meal."

 

I shook my head and confessed, "Yuri, Masha has fed me so well I've put on weight and could barely fit into my service uniform. If I have any hope of fitting into my dress blues for the wedding I have to start losing weight right now."

 

Yuri laughed and promised, "Jack, do not worry about losing weight because Ben is missing and you will be taking his place on our team. Your time of vacation is over so now you will train with us daily."

 

I started to complain but Yuri's cell phone rang, he looked at it and said, "Excuse me, I need to take this in private. Please follow your team members to the waiting truck."

 

I complained, "Yuri, I'm in my service uniform because I'm meeting the Major."

 

Yuri laughed and answered, "We have BDUs for you and would you rather meet the Major or train with us."

 

Masha added, "Jack, do not worry about meeting the Major, we will have the doctors meet him and explain things when he arrives."

 

I laughed and answered Yuri, "Hell, if this is taken care of, then I'd much rather be with you guys than meet the Major."

 

I started to stand, Masha nudged me in the side and whispered in my ear, "Jack, find out what Yuri knows about Ben leaving."

 

I kissed her and whispered in reply, "Don't worry, I will find out all he knows but what did he say to the dickhead to change his mind."

 

Masha laughed and answered, "Jack he told him the whole Spetsnaz team would take turns beating him until he agreed to fix the computer records. Now get going my fiancé and don't get too hurt or too tired."

 

I walked out of the office and wondered what the hell Mash meant by her last words. Hell, I had trained with these guys before and it wasn't that bad…

 

Flashback – Tatiana – In Moscow

 

Masha walked up to me, smiled and said, "Tatiana the problem with Ben's computer records is taken care of. Now all we need is for the doctors to talk to the Major when he arrives at the hospital."

 

The мудак (bastard) had given me such a bad time about it, he even threatened to call the nursing supervisor. I was shocked that Masha was able to fix it so I inquired, "Masha, you must be a miracle worker, how did you get him to change his mind?"

 

Masha grinned and answered, "I didn't do anything. He was giving Jack and me a terrible time. Then Yuri came into his office with the whole Spetsnaz team and threatened him - after that he was more than happy to fix the records."

 

I laughed and related important background information, "Yuri had come into Ben's room while I was cleaning it up and asked me where Ben was. I told him Ben left to go kill the Chechens and he honestly looked surprised. I told him about your plan to keep Ben from getting in trouble and the problems I had with the мудак in the records office so he left quickly. I assume he went to the office where he found you. What did Yuri threaten the мудак with?"

 

Masha shocked me when she answered, "I didn't want to tell Jack the truth so I told him that they threatened to take turns beating him. Actually they said they would take turns raping him and his wife until he agreed to fix the records. He was more than happy to fix the records after he heard that."

 

I laughed and said, "I am surprised he didn't make a mess in his pants. By the way, where is Jack?"

 

Masha smiled and answered, "He is taking Ben's place on the Spetsnaz team and will be training each day with them from now on. I think it is good he will not be here when the Major arrives."

 

I frowned at Masha and told her, "Masha you do not understand, it is not a good thing that Jack is taking Ben's place."

 

Masha looked confused and questioned, "Tatiana, Jack has trained with the Spetsnaz before so I do not see any problems."

 

I frowned and informed Masha, "Ben told me that Yuri and the team took it easy on Jack because of his threats but they were terrible with Ben's training. They made Ben do twice the work because they wanted to see if they could 'break the American'."

 

Masha looked at me and said, "Jack is not a feeble old man, I am sure he will rise to the occasion. Now I need to go and wait for the Major's arrival."

 

I did not have the heart to relay to Masha some of the things Ben told me they made him do because their actions bordered on torture…

 

Flashback – Major M – at the Moscow hospital

 

I finally, after spending hours in the fucking Moscow traffic jam, arrived at the hospital. I walked in, expected to see Sergeant Reynolds but instead saw his bitch fiancée. I was still pissed at her for what happened last time I was in Moscow and wanted to rip her a new asshole but remembered how the Old Man wanted her and Jack to have a 'hell of a wedding'. So I walked up to her and said, "Hello Maria (I knew better than to use her diminutive name unless she said it was allowed), I expected Jack to either meet me at the airport or at least be here to report to me when I arrived."

 

The bitch smiled at me and answered, "Jack asked me to send you his apologies; with Ben being gone he is training full time with the Spetsnaz team."

 

I was taken aback by what she said and I questioned, "What do you mean with Ben being gone? I thought he couldn't walk?"

 

The bitch gave me that damn smile of hers that was too practiced and replied, "I am sorry, I am not qualified to describe the situation. The doctors will be here soon and they will explain."

 

Something was rotten as hell in Denmark so I asked, "Well, do you at least know which room he is in?"

 

The bitch continued with the smile and answered, "He was in room 302 until last night. Now we don't know where he is."

 

I ordered before I left, "Tell Sergeant Reynolds I need to see him tonight after his training time with the Spetsnaz team is over."

 

She shrugged her shoulders and answered, "I will relay your order if I see him."

 

I hauled my ass and my bags to the elevator, waited for it to open, stepped in and pressed the button for the third floor. I was sure something was going on and I was going to get to the bottom of it.

 

The elevator opened then I hauled my ass and my bags into room 302. On arrival I found Sergeant Blaine's girlfriend/nurse (damn she was one hot bitch) crying and cleaning up the room. She looked at me and I asked, "Where is Sergeant Blaine?"

 

She cried even more and yelled, "He is gone and it is entirely your fault!"

 

I sure as hell didn't like the sound of this so I rebuffed her, "How the hell could it be my fault? I just arrived today."

 

She cried more and began incoherently babbling in Russian. A doctor walked into the room and asked, "Are you Sergeant Blaine's American Major?"

 

I nodded and answered, "Yes I am! Now what the hell is going on? Where the hell is Sergeant Blaine?"

 

Sergeant Blaine's bitch nurse wailed like a banshee and the doctor suggested, "We should continue this in my office so as not to continue to traumatize Sergeant Blaine's private nurse."

 

He opened the door then I hauled my ass and my bags down the hallway and into his office. He motioned to a chair and suggested, "Please take a seat."

 

I was at the end of my patience so I sat down and threatened, "If I do not find out where Sergeant Blaine is immediately I will call the embassy and you will have to deal with the ambassador."

 

The doctor folded his hands and shocked me when he replied, "Major, that is an excellent idea. We do not know how, but Sergeant Blaine left the hospital last night and no one knows his current location. However we do know it was prompted by the feeling of eminent dread he had concerning your return to Moscow."

 

I was ready to beat the shit out of this doctor but I needed more information so I restrained myself and questioned, "Doctor, I have no idea what in the hell you are talking about."

 

The doctor opened a chart (I assumed it was Sergeant Blaine's) and answered, "Sergeant Blaine was suffering severe psychological issues initiated by your actions toward him during your original time as his commanding officer in Moscow. His whole psyche was centered on your imminent return to Russia and filled him with depression and despair. Unfortunately, last night Sergeant Blaine succumbed to those feelings and somehow departed the hospital. Now that you are here it would be beneficial to discuss with you what you did to precipitate the intense psychological trauma that Sergeant Blaine experienced."

 

I sure as hell didn't like the sound of this so I asked, "What sort of doctor are you?"

 

He smiled at me and replied, "I am Sergeant Blaine's psychologist, why do you ask?"

 

I was dumbstruck and sat back in my chair. If they were able to pin Sergeant Blaine's leaving on me coming back to Moscow… Well, let's just say I saw the rest of my life in the Corps being spent living in Thule below the boney bitch's top bunk. I needed to get to my hotel and start working on damage control…

 

Flashback – Jennifer – At the military hospital

 

Because my female-dog nurse Katie had us over a barrel I had consented to let the JA drop the charges against Ro-fricken-bear and to even dance Swan Lake with him. However Daddy and the JA had a plan just in case he tried something during the bicycle lift. So we thought we had everything worked out with my female-dog nurse Katie until she walked into the room smiled and said, "Oh I forgot - there's one more thing."

 

I felt like I had already given way tooooo much so I blurted out, "What in heck are you talking about, you already gave us your demands and now you're changing them. You can go…"

 

Daddy interrupted me before I said something really bad and asked, "Katie, sorry for Jennifer's outburst since she's pretty excitable right now, but she is correct. I thought you had already given us your terms."

 

Katie smiled and answered, "I had forgotten about the deal you and I had made earlier about Jennifer coming and living with me for a few months. I still expect you to honor that deal."

 

I watched Daddy as his face began to turn red and I knew it was my turn to interrupt because I had already come up with a plan for this contingency. I smiled at my female-dog nurse because I knew she was going to deeply regret this and answered, "Daddy, don't worry because this will be no big deal. However, I do want the term to only be for two months."

 

Daddy's mouth dropped open as he looked at me and questioned, "Jennifer, are you sure?"

 

I hugged Daddy and whispered into his ear, "Don't worry Daddy, she is going to regret every day that I am at her apartment."

 

He pulled away from me, winked at me, looked at Katie and said, "You've got a deal, now how about dropping the charges against Evelyn?"

 

The female-dog Katie smiled at us and answered, "Normally, I would keep the paperwork with the charges until after all of our agreement was finished. However, I know you are all trustworthy so here is my copy of the charges against Evelyn. JA, please destroy this copy and your copy too. Now I'm tired and I'm heading home for tonight, I do expect Robert to be here tomorrow so that we can start working on Swan Lake."

 

As she left the room the JA questioned, "Sir, I can't believe you agreed to her taking Jennifer for two months."

 

I interrupted, "Daddy didn't agree to it, I agreed to it and she is going to hate every day while I am with her."

 

Daddy laughed and added, "Don't worry about it, Jennifer can be a R-P-I-T-A when she wants to be."

 

I stamped my foot and complained, "Daddy, I am not a R-P-I-T-Rear!"

 

Daddy laughed and said, "See what I mean. Now Jennifer, we need to go and have a conversation with the pervert and his family before he comes here tomorrow. We need to make sure he doesn't try anything nasty with you."

 

I had one more idea so I motioned to Daddy. He came in close, I told Daddy what I wanted him to bring to the hospital tomorrow, he pulled away, laughed and answered, "Jennifer, I never dreamed of ever buying one of those for you but I think it's a great idea. Now get some sleep because we will be here bright and early in the morning."

 

Flashback – Alexi – At home

 

The chewing of the cryptex ruse had become old and my 'father' had already grown tired of watching it. Besides, chewing on it bothered my teeth. I tried to remember what my friend's dogs did which annoyed their masters and remembered one action that would surely garner the attention of both of my 'parents'. I took the cryptex to the edge of the area rug of the living room, pulled the edge of the rug up with my teeth and pushed the cryptex under the rug. Yes, my new plan was to bury things around the house. Next I ran into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator, pulled out some bones my 'mother' had for soup and strategically buried them around the house.

 

Then luck beamed on me! I saw Chowmein leave my 'parents' room and move toward her nasty and smelly litter box. I waited until she was in the litter box, then I charged her barking like crazy. She looked at me like I was crazy until I became very close to her, then she yowled like a banshee, jumped out of the litter box before she was totally done, tipped the litter box over and made a huge mess. But best of all, she had a piece of poop still coming out of her rear as she ran into my 'parents' room.

 

I went back to the living room, lay on the floor, scratched at myself and waited until I heard a huge yell from my 'parents' room. I fought back laughter because I knew they discovered the 'gift' Chowmein brought them. Chowmein ran out of my 'parents' room again; I saw her and chased her while barking the entire time. Chowmein ran for concealment under the television stand. I leaned down, continued to bark at her while she hissed evilly and tried to scratch me.

 

I am sure that 'father' heard all the noise (in our normally quiet house) because he came out of their room and yelled at me, "Alexi, stop bothering Chowmein!"

 

I whimpered, and moved back to the living room floor like a scolded dog… I couldn't wait for him to discover my new ruse…

 

Flashback – Mira and Ira – in Israel

 

Hades carillons! The agony inflected upon my posterior was greater than expected. I looked at Dr. Watson who shared in the agony and questioned, "Dr. Watson, what do you feel precipitated our primary Baker Street Irregular to assault us with the bb-gun of retribution?"

 

Dr. Watson looked at me and stated, "Sherlock, I believe she has once again become psychologically dysfunctional."

 

I countered, "Dr. Watson, being a medical man you surely must know that with her current treatment regime that is unlikely."

 

Dr. Watson responded, "Sherlock, I am not certain about the accuracy of your assertation."

 

Once again Dr. Watson questioned my logical conclusions! I prepared for imminent battle with Dr. Watson when Akhmed the obese interrupted, "I know why Safia shot both of you!"

 

We turned our attention to Akhmed the Obese, who was still being protected by the other Baker Street Irregulars, and I ordered, "Akhmed the Obese, please render unto us your opinion on this puzzling conundrum."

 

Akhmed the Obese challenged, "First, I want your promise that you will not shoot me with that damn bb-gun again."

 

I looked to Dr. Watson for counsel, she raised her both her glenohumeral joints in a manner that suggested she didn't care to express an opinion so I proceeded, "We promise you will not suffer the bb-gun of retribution for resolving this conundrum."

 

Akhmed the Obese looked relieved and stated, "Safia shot both of you because we are all tired of all of this Sherlock Holmes, Dr. Watson bullshit! It is frustrating to an infinite degree. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are fictional characters and in your attempts to bring them to life you have held this household hostage under bizarre circumstances."

 

I looked at Ira (Dr. Watson) and questioned…

 

Flashback – Todd – On the island

 

The next morning when I awoke, Liu was gone and Lin was pressed tightly against me. She realized I was awake and asked, "Do you normally awaken in such a state?"

 

She was referring to my 'morning wood' but I had no way to answer her. She turned toward me and I discovered there were some things I didn't have to verbalize. Once we finished I made some motions and Lin finally figured out what I asked and answered, "Liu has left to go hunting for today and wants us to practice ASL and JSL. Now that I've taken care of your morning problem, let's get to work so we can surprise her with our progress when she comes back to camp."

 

Before we started to work I needed to make sure that both women were happy about what happened so I made some gestures which Lin finally figured out and answered, "Do not worry, you fell asleep early last night and Liu and I worked out all the details."

 

I had learned a few things so I was able to sign, "What details?"

 

She laughed, "You are an attractive man and we have decided that we will share you between us."

 

I was shocked that they both had such liberal attitudes toward sex and wanted to ask more but I didn't have the faculties to ask. Lin began my lesson which lasted until Liu came back and then…

 

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