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Chapter 88

Home Chapter 88

Copyright 2012 – 2013 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia 


Flashback – Ben – Sometime in the past


Where the hell was I? Wasn't I just in Russia? Now I was… Wait I remembered this! Oh hell, I went through this once before and I sure as hell don't want to go through it again! It practically killed me the first time! I closed my eyes, wished for it to go away, opened my eyes but I was still there…


Flashback – Tatiana – At the hospital


Ben slipped into unconsciousness as Jack placed him on the bed after he foolishly stood for President Putin. Dr. Kaeoorov rushed up, checked Ben then ordered a whirlwind of tests. Yes, it was about time he started acting like Ben's doctor instead of a pampered playboy. I understood the change in behavior when a woman walked in! Dr. Kaeoorov turned and said, "Hello my lovely wife, I wish I had time to greet you right now but my patient has taken a turn for the worse."


What a dog! I had a good mind to tell his wife what he was doing just a few short hours ago!!! However, I decided now might be an appropriate time to address my partial lack of clothing so I excused myself and proceeded to the bathroom…


Flashback – Jack – Returning to the hospital with Major M


Masha joined us after she helped me get the Major released. True to his basic nature, the Major looked at her and rudely demanded, "Who the hell are you?"


I could tell his attitude upset the hell out of Masha (and it sure as hell upset me!) so I stopped, grabbed him by the arm, spun him around, got in his face and threatened, "Listen you pompous bastard, you just insulted the hell out of my soon to be wife! I suggest you apologize unless you want me to take to you back to the fucking holding cell."


He gave me an evil grin then made a hell of a mistake…


Flashback – Major M – Returning to the hospital with Jack


So Sgt. Reynolds thought he was going to marry this little Russian bitch! I guess he forgot that his commanding officer had to sign off for this to happen. I had waited for a break like this and planned on using it to my utmost advantage. I grinned at Sgt. Reynolds, yanked my arm out of his hand and stated, "Sgt. Reynolds, did you forget that as your commanding officer I need to approve any marriages."


Yeah, I finally had this bull by the horns but then the little Russian bitch decided to speak her mind.


Flashback – Masha – Returning to the hospital with Jack and Major M


There was no way I was going to allow this windbag Major to abuse my Jack. He did not know who he was dealing with! I pushed Jack to the side, positioned myself in front of the Major and he grinned like some stupid clown so I confronted him, "Major M, President Putin is approving our marriage so your approval is not required! Control your vile mouth before I control it for you!"


Jack tried to intercede, "Masha this is my fight..."


I reminded him, "Jack, if you strike the Major you will create problems. He insulted me so this is my fight and I am the one who will deliver punishment."


The Major continued his silly grin then he taunted me, "I normally don't fight women but you need to learn a lesson, so take your best shot - bitch!"


Flashback – Jack – Returning to the hospital with Major M and Masha


What the hell! Remind me to never call Masha a bitch (not that I ever would)! Masha just opened up a major can of whoop ass on Major M! The Major and I were both shocked when she jumped, spun and delivered a devastating roundhouse kick that connected with the side of his head. He crumpled to the sidewalk like the bag of shit he was. Then she added insult to injury (or perhaps injury to the insult) when she kicked him square in the balls. The Major turned about three shades of green, puked all over himself and passed out.


Masha grabbed my hand and ordered, "Jack, we will continue to the hospital."


I questioned, "What about the Major?"


She spat on the ground and replied, "What Major?"


Damn! And I thought I needed to protect her? That move was worthy of Banzai. But I did have a new problem to contend with since my wife-to-be just soundly kicked my commanding officer's ass? Not that he didn't deserve it, but this could cause problems later…


Flashback – Major M


I woke up and son-of-a-bitch! I had a hell of a headache and my crotch felt like it was on fire but the worst part was some damn Russian policeman was poking me with his nightstick. Shit, I remembered what happened Jack's little Russian bitch soundly kicked my ass! I quickly sat up and took his damn nightstick away. In hindsight, that might not have been the smartest thing to do.


The next instant I was surrounded by fucking Russian policemen and they started to beat the hell out of me with their nightsticks. Fuck this shit! I jumped up and began to kick some Russian ass!


Flashback – Ben – Sometime in the past


I shivered as I huddled around the small fire and tried to keep from freezing… Great Grandfather had just died and dad went totally insane! The beatings weren't that bad since I was used to them, but then he started talking crazy about how it was my fault that Great Grandfather died. He raved on about how I was evil and he needed to purge the evil from me so Great Grandfather's spirit could rest in peace. I sure as heck didn't wait around to see what sort of craziness that meant so I grabbed a few little things and escaped into the mountains. But the mountains around Leadville were harsh in the middle of winter - but not as harsh as a crazy dad…


The crazy old fool chased the heck out of me the first day and even shot at me several times. This was one time I was thankful he was drunk because he couldn't shoot worth heck when he was drunk. If he was sober – well I would have been dead. I really agitated him when I laid a trap for him, let him get close and then aimed carefully and shot the bottle he was holding with my Colt Frontier Scout. Then I ran away as fast as I could while being chased by poorly aimed bullets. I felt bad doing it, but I knew without his supply of alcohol he would be forced to head back to the cabin so I justified it as self-defense…


Now I was alone in the Colorado wilderness and would need all the survival skills my Great Grandfather taught me if I was to survive. I stopped, started a small fire to warm up but my greatest need was shelter for the coming night. Great Grandfather taught me that a man could live many days without food a few days without water however without shelter you could die within hours. The fire warmed me while I scanned the local area for the best place to make a shelter or find one that's already built for me. I didn't see anything that was suitable so I threw snow on the fire and headed further into the wilderness…


Flashback – Jens


I laid on my bed and tried to figure out what I saw in the Interpol database about the Russian female dog that loved my Ben. I wish I had had more time or could have printed what I saw.


I needed help and I knew just the person to help me - Megan! I picked up my camo princess phone and dialed her number. She answered, I described everything I saw and then she surprised me when she replied in Pig Latin, "Ensjay, you'reay ootay oseclay otay isthay, it'syay obviousway ethay itchbay isyay omesay ortsay ofyay yspay."


Jens, you're too close to this, it's obvious the bitch is some sort of spy.


I laughed because she used the real word for female dog and I replied in Latin, "Megan quam can vos exsisto certus she's a custodis?"


Megan how can you be sure she's a spy?


Megan scolded me, "Ensjay, useyay igpay Atinlay otnay ealray Atinlay."


Jens use pig Latin not real Latin.


I decided to have some fun so I continued with my new found and fledgling Russian, "Меган как вы можете быть уверены, что она шпион?"


Megan how can you be sure she's a spy?


Megan yelled in frustration, "En'sjay atwhay ethay uckfay asway atthay? Enwhay idday ouyay earnlay Ussianray?


Jen's what the fuck was that? When did you learn Russian?


I laughed but this time answered in pig Latin. Megan went on to detail why she thought the female dog was a spy. When she was done she had me convinced, but now I had a bigger problem: How could I fight against a spy. I thought very hard but finally came up with a great idea…


Flashback – Glen


Son of a bitch! I got another damn call from the Russian embassy about the damn Major! I guess this time he got in a fight with some Russian police officers. The ambassador wanted to know what he should do. I wanted to tell him as far as I was concerned the bastard could rot in the damn prison. But then I came up with a better idea…


Flashback – Mira, Ira and Safia – in Israel


We made not so haste of post departure with the evil man lodged in the cart of ass. However it was sufficiently hasty that the crowd did not follow and attempt a rescue. Now we had a different problem: The ass had become belligerent and refused to locomotivate.


I suggested, "Safia, flagellate your ass."


Safia complained, "This is not my ass!" But she whipped the ass anyway. The primary effect was that Safia's ass began its annoying braying.


My sister Irinka stated, "This ass has become much too troublesome, however I will motivate this ass's derriere."


Ira applied her gun of stun to the ass's derriere, and foolishly activated the device. To say Ira's ass was motivated was mildly put: The ass accelerated as if its hindquarter was aflame and its motivation was accompanied by noxious fumes emanated from the ass's alimentary orifice. I held on for life of dear to the ass's neck and remarked, "Ira, you certainly motivated your ass."


Ira complained, "Mira, first you describe the beast as Safia's ass, but now you claim it is my ass. Why must you be so fickle?"


I replied logically, "I have applied the pitch infant (tar baby) principle - you last motivated the creature, so it follows that it is now your ass."


Irinka complained, "Mira if this is my ass, then you may osculate my ass!"


I informed her, "Your ass is much too old and odiferous for proper osculation!"


Safia once again giggled at our verbal exchange…