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Chapter 04

Home Chapter 04

Copyright 2012 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia

 

Flashback – Jack – Undisclosed location

 

Now this was fucking nice as hell! I was almost sad I doctored up Banzai's burrito – nah, the little fart deserved it after he doctored the hell out of my burrito and almost scared the shit out of me with his wild-assed driving. When he jumped that damn canyon in the Frankenmonster it was a feat that would have terrified Evel Knievel.

 

You see, Banzai jury-rigged up a nice as hell shower from all the crap he collected and which we hauled around. Damn he could give Rube Goldberg a run for his money! Of course the little fart rubbed it in several times by making sure I knew that if I had thrown away all the crap earlier, he couldn't have made this nice as hell shower. Then he once again made me wait until he was done. But it was worth it because I liked showers better than baths - nothing was worse than sitting in your own slop, trying to get clean, other than not being clean at all.

 

Anyway he took a big black bag, duct taped a hose to it and then duct taped a shower nozzle (where the hell he came up with a shower nozzle I sure as hell didn't know since I had given up watching him haul crap out to the Frankenmonster) to the end of the hose. He filled the bag with water (we also had an overabundance of that now), hung it in the sun for about thirty minutes and we had an instant hot water shower.

 

But more amazing than the shower was the washing machine he rigged up. Yeah, we had clean bodies and clean clothes and this time Banzai even used soap (I'm sure he hoped to meet with Mira and wanted to make a clean impression). He took this clean barrel with a removable lid, put some water and soap in it, then put the lid on it and sloshed it around for fifteen minutes, then rinsed the clothes the same way.

 

I ran all the water out of the bag, air dried, put on my clean clothes and headed back toward the Frankenmonster. I suddenly stopped in my tracks, started to laugh and questioned, "Damn Banzai what are you doing now."

 

He turned, grinned and answered, "Well I figured since the guards and the prisoners thought this was a 'devil truck' I would make her look the part."

 

Banzai had been busy again, this time with spray paint. The Frankenmonster now sported a painted on mouth and teeth. It reminded me of the mouth and teeth on some of the Super Cobra attack choppers I'd seen.

 

Banzai asked, "Hey Jack, I'm hungry. How about you bring me the manifold burrito you made."

 

Damn, now things were going to get really fun. I answered, "Sure. One manifold burrito al-la-Jack coming up."

 

We actually ran the Frankenmonster for a bit to heat things up so we could 'cook' our burritos. I walked over and used my shemagh to grab our burritos then headed toward the errant artist and offered, "Here you go, I hope you like it."

 

He smiled and replied, "Oh, I'm sure I will."

 

I waited until he took his first bite. But he just smiled and commented, "This is good but I wish it was a little spicier."

 

I thought 'what the fuck', then I took a bite of mine and…

 

Flashback – Ben – Undisclosed location

 

Jack took a bite of 'his' burrito and I thought the top of his head was going to explode like in the cartoons when someone ate something too hot. He didn't realize I had switched the position of the burritos on the manifold because I knew he'd doctored the hell out of mine.

 

Jack barely croaked, "I need water."

 

I teased, "Damn Jack, you might have used up the last of our water with your shower."

 

He looked frantic and tried to swear but it was unintelligible! I took mercy on him walked to my Frankentruck and pulled out my surprise. I held it up and said, "It's warm but it's drinkable."

 

Jack sprinted to me, snatched the beer from my hand and tried to twist the top off and couldn't. Then he croaked, "Bottle opener?"

 

I took the beer back, put the edge of the cap against the armor plating, smacked down on my hand and the top flew off the beer. Jack snatched it again and gulped it down.

 

I smiled at him and offered, "Here why don't you eat your burrito and give me that one."

 

He sheepishly said, "But won't it be too hot."

 

I laughed and bragged, "Hell no Jack. You of all people should know that things are almost never too hot for me." And then I added salt to the wound, "Let's see, that's two for me and none for you."

 

Flashback – Jack – Undisclosed location

 

I mimicked, "'That's two for me and none for you'. Just wait I'm going to get even."

 

But truthfully, I was glad he decided to take the doctored burrito. I watched him in amazement as he ate it with no issues. Damn he must have a cast iron stomach.

 

I asked, "So where the hell did the beer come from?"

 

He casually replied, "Oh I found it somewhere."

 

I grinned at him and asked, "Well just how much did you find?"

 

He gave me a serious look and said, " I have two six packs and you can only have one more for right now."

 

I glared at him and accused, "So when did you become the beer Nazi?"

 

He questioned with a blank stare, "Beer not see?"

 

I explained, "Not beer not see, beer Nazi as in Hitler. Damn didn't you ever see the Soup Nazi Seinfeld show?"

 

The little fart insulted me, "Jack I never would have thought you were of the persuasion to watch the Seinfeld Show."

 

I flipped him off and stated, "Hey it wasn't me, it was Anna."

 

He continued the insults, "Don't tell me she wore the penis in the family?"

 

I finally looked at him because I was going to let him have it when I saw the shit-eating grin on his face and said, "Yeah like you never did anything for a woman. What about the Old Man's underage daughter, you should have taken her to bed and you didn't."

 

The words no sooner left my mouth than I knew I fucked up. Banzai looked dejected and said, "Yeah, she was really something and I really should have." Then he drifted off and said, "If only I would have…"

 

Damn, sometimes I just need to shut the fuck up…

 

Flashback – Ira and Mira – Undisclosed location

 

I was metaphorically applying my mobile mass of muscular tissue covered with mucous membrane and located in my oral cavity to the injuries inflicted by Mira. She traversed fro and to across the sand and stated, "Ira, now that I have castigated you we have a conundrum to discuss."

 

Yes Mira was massively motivated and it was not wise to elicit her wrath so I carefully questioned, "Mira, to which conundrum do you refer?"

 

She replied, "Which target should we terminate first: Baskerville which conveys the harlequins or the Massively Malodourous Major M?"

 

I cautiously responded, Mirinka sped to my side, hugged me and apologized, "Irinka, I am sorrowful for striking you but you are correct. Our resources did feel that the harlequins were American forces like the other troops which were captured and terminated. But if this is the case, then why did the freakishly fetid Major M collocate here?"

 

I speculated, "Mirinka, I see two possible solutions: On one hand it could be they are planning a full scale assault and the Major is here to head of spear it and on the opposite hand…" I hesitated.

 

Mira pulled away and glared at me, "Irinka please finish."

 

I asked for a concession before resuming, "Mirinka, first I require a promise from you to refrain from attacking me again."

 

She smiled at me and promised, "Cross my eye and hope to die stick a needle in my heart."

 

I stated my supposition which inflamed her to an amazing degree, but this time her anger was not directed at me. She began to apply her lower bipedal unit to our equipment while I scurried out of her way like a scared sand decapod. My auditory units detected as I departed, "Fecal Matter! If that is true I will fix his little red sled."

 

Flashback – Major M – Undisclosed location

 

We found a nice as hell cave to setup our FBO once I had the men clean it up. One of my men said, "I wondered who used this place since it smells like a cross between an outhouse and a French whorehouse."

 

 I laughed because it was an accurate assessment of the cave. It reeked of shit, piss and strangely enough there was even a smell of perfume. Yeah we needed someplace close and safe until the airdrop tonight provided the rest of our gear and much needed transportation. After seeing what Baskerville did to the Hinds, I petitioned the Old Man for a M1 Abrams tank. He laughed and answered, "Like hell! Where do you intend to get that much fuel in the desert." I hated it when the Old Man is right, but that was the drawback about the Abrams. So he gave us a Humvee – unarmored: an unarmored Humvee against Baskerville would be like trying to stop a 747 with a fly swatter.

 

One of my team asked, "Sir what's the plan?"

 

I used my intelligence skills to answer a question with a question, "Sgt. are you in a hurry to get out of here?"

 

He replied, "Truthfully Sir I am. This place sucks."

 

I wanted to describe that as the understatement of the century. This place was worse than the south end of a north bound camel but I was an officer so instead I ordered, "Well the quicker you get your job completed the quicker we can get out of here."

 

Then I sat down to answer his unanswered question: What was our plan?

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