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Chapter 102

Home Chapter 102

Copyright 2012 – 2013 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia 

 

Flashback – Masha and Tatiana – Secret location

 

As we left the room to search for the location where the FSB agents were killed, I totally slipped into the character of an old grandmother. I hunched over, walked with a slow shuffling gait aided by my cane on one side and Tatiana's arm on the other side. In my mind I had become an old grandmother.

 

Tatiana whispered, "Masha you are a master of disguise, I am going to miss you."

 

I replied in character, "Ehh! What did you say child? You know you have to speak up or I can not understand you."

 

She spoke louder, "I am sorry grandmother! I do not know where your grandson was killed."

 

I should have known better than to try to talk to Masha, she was gone! She was now an old woman who was looking for the place where her grandson, the FSB agent, died. Our plan was to take a taxi back to the hospital, the last known location of the stupid Major, and start our search from there. I hailed a taxi and Masha took forever getting into the taxi…

 

I tried to get into the taxi and complained, "These taxis are getting smaller every year!"

 

Tatiana was finally in character and said, "Come on grandmother, you know they are the same size as when you were younger."

 

She helped me into the taxi and the driver asked, "Where are you going?"

 

I replied, "Speak up, these old ears can't hear you!"

 

He yelled, "Where do you need me to take you!"

 

I cackled and replied, "What? I don't want you to bake me!"

 

He threw his hands up in frustration and asked Tatiana, "Where do you and your grandmother need to go?"

 

The taxi driver is kind but grows tired of Masha's grandmotherly ruse so he asked me where we need to go.

 

I replied, "Please kind sir, we just found out one of my cousins, my grandmother's last grandson, was killed and she wanted to visit the location of his death to pray."

 

The taxi driver replied, "Well, if it's the site of the huge car bomb I refuse to go there."

 

I forced a blush and whispered, "I'm sorry to ask you to do this, but my cousin worked for the FSB. Yes, it was an embarrassment for the whole family, but he was killed today. Do you by any chance know the location where he died?"

 

Flashback – Jack and Colonel Maggie – The internet café

 

Colonel Maggie ordered the damn lieutenant to take us to the internet café and he obeyed. We jumped out of the BTR-80 but the fucking place had a closed sign on the door. I looked at Maggie and questioned, "Well, what the hell do we do now?"

 

Colonel Maggie replied, "Jack, you should god damn know what to do! The building is big enough that I bet the proprietor lives here, so we knock."

 

Damn I hate it when and officer, even Colonel Maggie was right. I pounded on the door and we heard, "Go away, we are closed!"

 

Maggie turned to the lieutenant commanding the BTR-80 and questioned, "Do you think you can fire a five round burst over the top of the internet café?"

 

He replied, "Without a doubt, Sir."

 

They fired a five round burst from the 14.5millimeter cannon over the top of the internet café, Maggie again pounded on the door and said…

 

I was tired of the bullshit and was ready to have the BTR-80 destroy the whole damn building but we needed the intel the proprietor had. After the burst over the roof from the 14.5 mm cannon I banged on the door and yelled, "Either you get down here right now and talk to us or I will have this APC destroy the whole building."

 

The person yelled, "I will be right down!"

 

It took about a minute then he opened the door and…

 

Flashback – Ben – In the hospital

 

 I was in my new room, was bored, turned on the TV for noise and was shocked at what I saw… The damn fucking bastards!!! They were terrorizing the hell out of this village all because of me! This was bull-fucking-shit that I needed to do something about. Hell, even if the bastards caught me it would still be better for this town. But the immediate problem was my guard; I had two but earlier sent one out for vodka… I called, "Sergey can you come here?"

 

He walked over to the bed and answered, "Da?"

 

I motioned him closer, he leaned down enough and I clocked the hell out of him! Now to implement the rest of my plan…

 

Flashback – Tatiana and Masha – In the taxi

 

The taxi driver stated, "I'm sorry to hear he was a relative of yours. Even though he was FSB the Chechens bastards shouldn't have killed him. And I know the exact spot they were killed and will take you and your grandmother there."

 

I had hoped that the taxi driver had the needed information. Many times if you wanted something it was better to talk first to taxi drivers…

 

I signaled Tatiana so she would be ready when the taxi took us to the location where the FSB agents were killed. We were lucky this was an older taxi with the mechanical meter that clicked every second. I pulled the Major's message out of my purse and anxiously waited…

 

Flashback – Major M – Being held hostage

 

The damn Chechen leader came back and yelled, "You stupid shit dick American! They have moved Sgt. Blaine. But do not worry we now control the whole town and will shortly find him and then we will kill both of you."

 

I laughed and taunted, "Yeah, well you stupid fucking camel jockey, at least I know how to swear. Mo-ham-head was a fucking pervert that liked to fuck pigs."

 

I guess I got his attention as he yelled "Allah Akbar", then began to beat me. What he didn't realize was I used the distraction to start working on getting loose. Someone else came over and pulled the bastard off me. He yelled, "When I remove your head we will use it for a football."

 

I taunted some more, "Yeah, if I was free I would rip your fucking head off and shit down your neck." My mouth earned me another beating.

 

Flashback – Jens

 

I was sure by now that female dog Russian spy had received the gift and knew exactly what I thought of her. I would have loved to seen her covered in the dog poo but there was no way to do that.

 

I read through my magazines and came up with another great idea. This one was much cheaper than the last one and I even added an extra special surprise to it…

 

I walked downstairs but no one was at home. Rats, I wanted to ask Daddy about the stinky Major getting kidnapped.

 

I turned on the TV and while they were showing the video of the Major and I quickly recognized something odd…

 

Flashback – Glen

 

It was morning and I grabbed another cup of coffee to keep me alert. Anytime one of my Marines, even the Major, was taken hostage, it was a major situation for me. I'd been on the horn trying to get permission to send in a Recon unit to assist in the Major's recovery, but the Russian government had their hands full. The fucking Chechen terrorists were tearing the hell out of the village where Sgt. Blaine was located and the last thing the Russians wanted were more Marines who could possibly become targets.

 

We did have a stroke of luck as one of the spooks at the NSA figured out the Major blinked Morse code. But when it was transcribed into English it didn't make much sense and they were still trying to break the code the Major used.

 

I decided it was time to phone the Colonel and light a fire under her ass…

 

Flashback – Jack and Colonel Maggie – The internet café

 

The proprietor of the internet café came to the door and I asked, "We are looking for two women." Then I described their looks and as I started to describe Masha, I could see fear cross his face. Then he lied, "I have never seen either of those women. Now leave me alone!"

 

As he started to close the door, a shot cracked between Jack and I and hit the proprietor square in the chest. We dove to the ground and my phone began to ring...

 

I ordered, "Let's get back to the safety of the BTR."

 

Jack grabbed the wounded proprietor and we ran like hell toward the BTR, made it inside but I missed the call. I looked and noted it was from Glen - shit, he was going to be pissed off…

 

As Maggie got settled, the Spetsnaz medic worked on the owner of the internet café and I began to wonder how in the hell we could locate Masha and Tatiana if he was wounded.

 

Then it hit me. I asked the lieutenant, "Do you have a way to find the address of people in this village?"

 

He nodded and said, "Yes Sgt. we do."

 

I smiled and gave him the names of the two kids I threatened the last time Masha and I were at the internet café. I hoped they might have come back and had seen the women. He started to make some phone calls…

 

Jack came up with a good idea on how to possibly find the women, but I still had no idea how to find the Major. I did know I needed to call Glen back before he became even more pissed at me…

 

Flashback – Glen

 

My phone rang, it was Jennifer so I answered, "Sorry Jennifer there's an incident I needed to handle so I'm in my office."

 

She said, "Yes Daddy, it's on the news about the Major. Did you know…"

 

My aide interrupted, "Sir, the Colonel is on the other line."

 

I told Jennifer, "Listen Princess, I will call you right back."

 

She got upset, "Daddy, pleasssseeee don't call me princess and what I have to say is really important."

 

I said, "Sorry, but I have to go."

 

I hung up on her and answered the Colonel's call, "It's a damn good thing you called me back."

 

She stated, "Sorry Sir! We were being shot at when the phone rang."

 

Damn, I knew it was bad over there but I was pissed that more of my troops were in harm's way. I ordered, "Colonel, your safety and the safety of the two Sgts. are my primary concern right now. Are you getting the support you need from the Russians?'

 

She replied, "Yes Sir! Sgt. Reynolds and I are inside one of their APCs as we speak."

 

I questioned, "And where is Sgt. Blaine, because with his recent accolades he is a real priority?"

 

She stated, "He's being guarded by the Spetsnaz at the hospital."

 

I informed her, "We do have some good news, the Major was able to blink something in Morse code during the hostage video. However it appears to be in some sort of code that the boys at NSA are trying to figure out."

 

My aide came in and said, "Sir, sorry to interrupt, but it's your daughter and she said it's an emergency."

 

I thought - fuck, when it rains it pours. I ended the call with the Colonel and answered Jennifer's call…

 

Flashback – Jens

 

Darn it to heck! Daddy hung up on me and wouldn't listen to me even when I told him it was important. I decided to call back, I got his aide and demanded, "This is Jennifer and tell the General I need to talk to him because it's an emergency."

 

I knew he would talk to me, because that was a code word he'd given me to use. I was a little worried because I wasn't sure if this constituted an emergency or not.

 

Daddy came on the phone and said, "Jennifer, what the hell is wrong?"

 

I replied, "Daddy, please don't get angry with me. I wanted to tell you I was watching the hostage video and the Major is blinking Morse code."

 

Daddy said, "Yes Jennifer we know that but we can't figure out the code he used. It's the letter C then a number and then another letter. Now is this the emergency you called me about?"

 

I could tell Daddy was a little angry so I said, "But Daddy, the Major didn't use a code."

 

Daddy asked, "Jennifer, what do you mean? We have some of the best crypto guys at the NSA working on this so don't tell me you figured it out."

 

I replied, "Daddy, it's not a code! I recognize it because it's directions. Remember Daddy how I count everything? Well that's what the Major did, he counted something then the taxi turned right or left and the S means it was stopped for that number of counts…"

 

Flashback – Glen

 

I couldn't fucking believe it! However, I think Jennifer figured this out. I can remember how she counted everything and drove us practically crazy with it. But now it all made sense, I stated, "Jennifer I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you first called."

 

She said, "That's okay Daddy, I know I'm sort of a pain in the rear sometimes."

 

I lied, "Jennifer you are never a pain in the rear!"

 

She giggled, "Now Daddy, you know better than to lie to me! Anyway I need to go and study my Russian, до свидания."

 

She hung up the phone, I yelled to my aide, "Get the damn NSA on the horn and then call the Colonel again, my daughter figured it out."

 

I couldn't wait to rub the noses of those smug NSA bastards in this! Wait until I tell them my not quite teenage daughter figured it out…

 

Flashback – Ben – In the hospital

 

It was hard as hell getting Sergey out of his uniform and then putting it on. I had worked up a hell of a sweat by the time I was done. I was happy he wore his body armor, even though it was sort of a piece of shit - for what I needed it was better than nothing. Plus, I reinforced it with bed pans.

 

I made sure to tie him up with my stupid hospital gown, put a sock in his mouth and covered it with adhesive tape. I wished to hell I had my dress blues or my service uniform because then the fucking Chechens would know exactly who I was! Yeah, I wanted to be the biggest fucking target I could be to get the bastards to come after me!

 

I made a few modifications to the wheelchair, grabbed my and his AK and all the ammo I could find then worked my way into the wheelchair. All this fucking around had my pain level cranked pretty damn high, which was exactly what I wanted. I threw a hospital gown over me, rolled to the doorway, checked and the hallway was clear. Now to go take the fucking fight to the bastards…

 

Flashback – Colonel Maggie and Jack – Inside the BTR-80

 

My phone rang again, I looked it was Glen, I answered, "Yes Sir!"

 

He stated, "Colonel, we have a break in the case. The code the Major blinked was directions and some sort of time reference, we are guessing for right now it's seconds. You need to get your ass to where the Major was abducted and follow the directions I am sending you in a text message."

 

I replied, "Sir we aren't sure exactly where the Major was kidnapped."

 

The Russian lieutenant waved at me so I said, "Wait a minute Sir."

 

I muted the phone and the lieutenant stated, "Sir! There were two FSB agents killed today that were assigned to follow the Major."

 

I unmuted the phone and stated, "Sir it looks like the Chechens murdered the FSB agents assigned to the Major so that gives us a probable starting point."

 

He replied, "Good job Colonel. Now haul ass and rescue our Marine."

 

I relayed the message to the lieutenant, he gave the orders and the APC rolled…

 

I looked at Maggie and said, "Damn that was crafty of the Major to blink directions."

 

She answered, "We're damn lucky someone figured it out!"

 

We were well on the way to get the Major when the lieutenant declared…

 

Flashback – Masha and Tatiana – In the taxi

 

The taxi driver announced, "We are at the location where the two FSB agents were killed."

 

Tatiana requested, "Sir, will you please help me extract my grandmother from the taxi."

 

He exited the cab, reached in to help me and Tatiana rendered him unconscious and pushed him into the back seat as I jumped out of the other side of the taxi.

 

We both jumped into the front seat and Tatiana began to drive while I counted the clicks of the meter, it reached 60 and I said, "Turn right here."

 

I said a prayer that the Major would still be alive when we arrived…

 

Flashback – Safia, Mira and Ira– in Israel

 

I stopped the car, looked at the twins and said, "Yes, you two are both women and suffer the same problems I do. And for being so damn smart, you have zero command of euphemisms! Now I don't want to talk about asses or derrieres or fucking or pie holes."

 

Mira explained, "Safia, we received a very rigid training which forced us to speak the way we speak. We desire that you continue to teach us the so called euphemisms. While we may not use them in our speaking, it would help us understand some encountered conversations better."

 

Shoot! I was upset but I guess this was a chance to really help them. I recanted, "Listen, I am sorry but you sort of drove me crazy."

 

Then Ira commented, "Safia, you must learn to control your female hormones."

 

I decided screw them, let them figure this one out, "Okay. Do you two know how you make a whore moan?"

 

I almost cracked up when Mira started talking all this medical gibberish until, damn it all, Ira stopped her and stated, "Mira I think this is a word on play joke because I have heard it once before."

 

Mira stated, "Elucidate please, my sister."

 

Ira replied, "Unfortunately Mira, I never heard the line of punch of the joke."

 

Mira begged, "Safia, please elucidate us with the line of punch."

 

I decided this could be fun so I replied, "Don't pay her the money."

 

Mira questioned, "That is the line of punch?"

 

Ira responded, "That makes no sense, Safia further elucidate us."

 

I held my ground and declared, "I am not giving you the answer. You two have to figure it out on your own…"

 

Mira looked at Ira and lamented, "Ira, is this some sort of diabolical punishment? First to tell us a joke, which we obviously do not comprehend, then to give us the line of punch which confuses us even more."

 

Ira responded, "Mirinka, if we did not need Safia to drive, I would suggest we apply the gun of stun to her ass."

 

I laughed, "Yes, that would both kick her ass and fix her ass."

 

Safia yelled, "You can take that stun gun and shove it up your ass!"

 

I replied, "Safia, if we were to use the gun of stun in such manner it would damage our rectums."

 

Safia laughed, "Yeah it would rip you a new asshole alright."

 

Ira stated, "Mirinka, I believe that once again Safia has commenced the ass euphemisms. I do not think she meant to literally put the gun of stun up our rectums."

 

I answered, "And she has gifted us with one more euphemism, 'rip you a new asshole'."

 

Ira ponders, "So, if we really kicked ass would we rip you a new asshole?"

 

I replied, "Irinka, I believe that males must have conceived these euphemisms; you know how fascinated they are with asses."

 

I commented to Mirinka, "Yes, men are always watching our asses."

 

Mira replied, "In addition to our other attributes?"

 

Safia questioned, "Do you mean your breasts?"

 

I answered, "Affirmative little one. However we have lost track of the word on play joke."

 

Mira added, "Yes, it is still a great mystery to us…"

 

We are almost to our location so I restated the joke with emphasis and a huge pause, "How do you make a whoooooreeee           moooooaaannn?"

 

I couldn't believe it! They were both quiet for what seemed like forever then Mira said, "Ira the emphasis Safia placed on hormone makes me realize it may be two words."

 

Ira requested, "Safia, please repeat that word with the same emphasis."

 

I said, "Whoooooreeee           moooooaaannn."

 

Ira stated, "Mira, you are correct in your assumption it is not hormone it is hor mone. But what is a hor mone?"

 

Mira answered, "Ira, I have no idea."

 

I decided to add fuel to the fire and questioned, "Have you two heard of a homophone?"

 

Ira requested, "Please spell that for us."

 

It was a crazy request, but this whole conversation was crazy anyway so I answered, "H-O-M-O-P-H-O-N-E."

 

Mira stated, "Homo is slang for homosexual so is that a phone a gay person uses?"

 

I corrected, "Not homo-phone, homophone. It is a word that is pronounced the same, is spelled differently and has a different meaning such as a knight of the round table and night when you sleep."

 

Ira excitedly said, "So hor mone is a homophone."

 

Mira adds, "No, it is two homophones. The first being hor and the second being mone."

 

The destination is ahead so I interrupted, "We are here and will need to continue this discussion later."

 

They both complained in unison, "Safia, that is a cruel punishment!"

 

I internally smiled and thought, you bet your ass it is! Payback is… Hey that gives me a new idea…

 

Flashback – Ben – On his mission

 

As I reached the ground floor I worried I wouldn't be able to get through the Spetsnaz guards I figured were in place. However I was wrong. It seemed like anyone who was mobile enough to leave the hospital was hurrying out and the Spetsnaz weren't looking at who was leaving, they were more interested in the cars that were trying to reach the patients who were leaving. And after that damn big car bomb, I didn't blame them! So I rolled right past the guards, then I stopped and scanned the area. Now that's a perfect place for my plan!

 

I rolled about a half a click to a little park, threw off my hospital gown, put on the bedpan helmet that I had fashioned (hey Sergey wasn't wearing a helmet and I needed something) then I fired an AK into the air and yelled, "Come on you fucking Chechen bastards! Here I am and I'm spoiling for a fight…

  

Flashback – Jack and Colonel Maggie – Inside the BTR-80

 

The lieutenant declared, "Sgt. Blaine is missing."

 

I questioned, "What the hell are you talking about?"

 

He explained, "One of his guards left to purchase vodka, the other was found bound and gagged in the room and told us Sgt. Blaine assaulted him."

 

I looked at Maggie and she ordered, "Fuck the Major, the Old Man made it clear that Sgt. Blaine was a priority. Lieutenant we need to get to the hospital as soon as possible."

 

The BTR-80 hauled ass, we were almost to the hospital the driver stated, "Sirs you aren't going to believe this."

 

We opened the front doors and I couldn't fucking believe it myself…

 

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