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Chapter 104

Home Chapter 104

Copyright 2012 – 2013 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia 

 

Flashback – Masha and Tatiana – Secret location

 

I ordered, "Tatiana stop the taxi on the side of the road."

 

So far the directions had been perfect and there were only a few more turns but it was obvious which building housed the stupid Major. I pointed and commented, "What a devious building to function for holding the captured Major. We would have never discovered it without the precise directions from the Major. Yes, the last few turns indicated the Chechens had defiled an abandoned Orthodox church (a relic from the Soviet experience when many Orthodox churches were closed or relegated to other duties) to house their base of operations and the Major.

 

Tatiana asked, "Masha, what is our plan?"

 

I directed my second bag toward her and said, "Please change your disguise. We will exit the taxi and proceed the rest of the way on foot…"

 

I looked in the bag of clothes, smiled and offered, "Masha, you are a genius." Yes, the bag contained the clothes of another old grandmother. The Chechens would readily believe we were coming to our old church to worship God and would probably not risk revealing themselves. What danger could two old grandmothers pose to a band of revolutionary Chechens? Plus, the clothes and bags we carried (all old grandmothers seem to carry large bags) would conceal our many weapons.

 

I was almost changed when Masha ordered, "Tatiana duck."

 

I quickly ducked and wondered what had happened.

 

Masha's phone rang, she answered and then swore, "What are those two doing?"

 

I questioned, "Which two?"

 

She stated, "The twins are in Israel and have just initiated some major problems."

 

I considered that right now we need to keep our heads in this game or we might lose them…

 

Flashback – Major M – Being held hostage

 

There was a hell of a lot of yelling and I could tell by the tone most of it was orders. I heard weapons being readied and then what sounded like a large vehicle left. I squirmed a bit then some bastard hit me and ordered, "No move."

 

Shit, I guess they didn't take everyone and left a different bastard guard.

 

I decided to try something to improve my tactical position, "Hey haji, are you wearing one of those man dresses?"

 

I heard him moving around then felt him punch me in the stomach. What he didn't realize is I could take stomach punches all day long.

 

I taunted, "Well I guess that was a yes. So tell me, are you a fucking pedophile like Mo-ham-head? Do you have a 6 year old slave wife?"

 

He yelled something unintelligible and punched me again.

 

I knew I had his attention so I laughed and continued, "I guess that was a no. Ah, now I understand. Like Mo-ham-head, you like little boys."

 

That really got him fired up and he continued to punch me. All the while, I worked on getting free…

 

Flashback – Ben – On his mission

 

Well, I certainly got the attention of the fucking Chechen bastards! Rifle fire erupted from several of the buildings but the fuckers missed me because I was rolling around like crazy in this wheelchair. I pulled up one of my AKs, aimed where some of the fire was coming from and fired two quick shots through the window. The bastard tumbled dead out of the window. I kept rolling, marked my second target, pulled up the AK, fired a short burst and another was dead.

 

A small group ran towards me and shouted, "Allah Akbar!" I lowered the AK, rolled crossways to them and let loose a long string which took out most of them while the other fuckers jumped behind a short wall. I yelled, "You pig fucking cowards! What's wrong? Can't you even take on a man in a wheelchair?"

 

By now I had also attracted the attention of the Spetsnaz so they were running toward me and yelled like crazy for me to take cover. Then a truck came roaring into this little park from a side road. I saw it was packed to the fucking gills with the bastards so I pointed my wheelchair down the hill and let it rip…

 

Flashback – Glen

 

My aide came in and said, "Sir, you need to see what's on the news from Russia."

 

I thought, what the fuck has gone wrong now? I headed into the conference room where the television was located and I cautioned, "Don't tell me that's Sgt. Blaine in the wheelchair."

 

My aide answered, "Unfortunately Sir, it is."

 

The Chechens were shooting at him and he was returning fire while I complained, "What's that crazy fucker trying to do, get himself killed?"

 

Flashback – Jens

 

A special report came on and I couldn't believe it: Did my Ben go crazy? He was outside the hospital in a wheelchair and it looked like he was taking on the whole Chechen army. Then a truck headed toward him and I couldn't believe what he did next. Unfortunately the news crew quickly lost him…

 

Flashback – Jack and Colonel Maggie – Inside the BTR-80

 

I yelled, "What's that crazy fucking Banzai doing now?"

 

Maggie questioned, "Is that a bedpan he's wearing for a helmet?"

 

We saw a truck full of the Chechen bastards come in from the side of the park. Banzai pointed his wheelchair down the hill and accelerated at a tremendous speed.

 

Colonel Maggie ordered, "Lieutenant, let's chase the truck and see if your men can shoot the hell out of it."

 

I complained, "Hell, let me on the 7.62, I'll kill the fuckers."

 

As we began to chase the truck, I was shocked as hell at how fast we all were going…

 

Flashback – Masha and Tatiana – Old Orthodox Church

 

I warned, "Tatiana, I believe that something has forced most of the Chechens to leave."

 

She replied, "If that is the case then we need to hurry."

 

I ordered, "Remember, we are old grandmothers and can not move that quickly…"

 

We stepped out of the taxi as two old grandmothers and shuffled toward the Church. Masha instructed me, "Tatiana, hunch slightly more and shuffle your feet more."

 

I obeyed, we reached the front church doors then Masha stated, "These doors are old and have not been opened in a very long time. So the Chechen rebels must be using the back doors or a side door."

 

We shuffled our way along the side of the church…

 

Flashback – Ben – On his mission

 

Damn straight, I was having fun now!

 

I lowered the hell out of the seat in this wheelchair so my center of gravity was lower by cutting the original seat, then I used Sergey's tactical vest as the new seat.  It was harder to manually operate the wheels, but my plan was to head downhill as long as I could and when I ran out of hill, turn and face the fuckers…

 

Thank God I saw the truck coming in time for me to get headed downhill, and now I was flying. Hell, this wheelchair was going so fast that the front wheels shook and rattled like they were having an epileptic seizure! I figured any minute they would break off and send me flying.  I knew the fucking truck load of Chechen bastards were behind me, so I pointed one of the AK's behind me, rested it on my shoulder and fired short bursts. I wasn't sure I was hitting anything because the wheelchair and the AK made too much noise…

 

Flashback – Jack and Colonel Maggie – Inside the BTR-80

 

I couldn't fucking believe it! Banzai in his crazy assed wheelchair was outrunning the truck and the BTR-80. I manned the 7.62 machine gun and began to fire at the truck. But the way this bastard bounced around on its eight damn tires it was almost impossible to hit anything.

 

Colonel Maggie was beside me and said, "Damn Jack, can't you hit anything?"

 

I complained, "Hell no! Not the way this thing is bouncing around. Do you think you could do better?"

 

I answered, "Hell yes I could!" I took over the machine gun, then I realized the old fart was right, you couldn't hit shit with this damn machine gun because of the way this APC bounced.

 

Jack laughed, "I told you so. Now move back over and let me keep trying."

 

I yelled, "What the hell does Sgt. Blaine think he's doing?"

 

Jack answered, "My best guess is he found out what the Chechens were doing to this town, knew it was because of him, so he eliminated the danger to the town by making himself the target."

 

I complained, "If he gets fucking killed the old man is going to have both our asses…"

 

Flashback – Masha and Tatiana – Old Orthodox Church

 

We found a side door which was missing and I gave hand signals to Tatiana. We slowly walked around the doorway but we actually tactically sliced the doorway like a pie. No one stood guard so we slowly entered the abandoned church. The first thing we noticed was the entire back of the church where the iconostasis would have been located and even the back of the church was missing. I whispered, "That is how they hid the truck in the church."

 

We heard a voice in English as it taunted, "Mo-ham-head was a common thief."

 

Then someone swore in Chechen and we heard the sound of grunts. I stated, "Tatiana, the Major is provoking his guard to beat him."

 

She replied, "Now is the perfect time for us to attack."

 

We removed our weapons from the bags and…

 

Flashback – Major M – Being held hostage

 

I heard two distinctive pops from a suppressed weapon and the bastard immediately stopped hitting my stomach, groaned like crazy and fell into my lap. I yelled, "Who the hell is there?" But I didn't receive an answer. Even though whoever it was walked quiet as hell, I still heard them approach me so I added, "Look, I'm an American Marine and if you rescue me you will have a friend forever."

 

There was still no answer but I felt the tape holding my arms and hands being sliced. I tried to grab one of them but got the hell smacked out of my hand. I tried it again and they punched my face so I figured they wanted me to wait patiently. I heard them run away, pushed the dead bastard off my lap, yanked the hood off my head and quickly took the tape off my legs and feet.

 

I grabbed the bastard’s AK, slowly slipped out the door and saw a taxi. I ran to the taxi and saw the driver was unconscious in the back seat. I sure as hell wasn't going to look this gift horse in the mouth so I jumped in and drove the hell away from the church…

 

Flashback – Masha and Tatiana – Old Orthodox Church

 

We were old grandmothers again as we slowly shuffled away from the church. The taxi sped past us with the Major driving and Tatiana commented, "Masha, that mission was almost too easy."

 

I answered, "Yes, we were fortunate that most of the Chechens left otherwise it might have been a large battle."

 

Tatiana questioned, "I wonder…"

 

I started to question what pulled the Chechens away, then I became worried and asked, "Masha, do you think the terrorists went after Ben."

 

Masha looked at me and answered, "Tatiana, it is the only presumption that makes sense."

 

I wanted to run to get back and protect Ben but Masha cautioned, "Tatiana we must stay in character until we can procure a taxi."

 

This situation was полнии пиздэц1 but Masha was correct. We needed to stay in character until we found a taxi…

 

1 Polnyi pizdets - Russian 'mat' (Russian underground language which you will not find in most translators and which the Duma (Russian legislative branch) keeps trying to outlaw). Its best translation to English is the term FUBAR (Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition). Mat has gradually moved into more common usage. Even President Vladimir Putin, whose wife Lyudmila, is a philologist, uses mat. For him, it is an authoritarian language. A parliamentarian reported that, at a meeting in the Kremlin, Putin had dismissed the arguments of the Communist Party leader Gennady Zyuganov by declaring, "We don't fucking need a military base in Cuba!" The obscenity – на кхуи (na khuy) – was a show of power. In the presence of the President, Zyuganov would never have dared to use mat; therefore his was the weaker argument.

 

Flashback – Glen

 

The damn camera crew finally started showing live pictures again. They were behind a BTR-80 which looked to be chasing a truck load of the Chechen bastards and fuck me!!! Sgt. Reynolds and the Colonel were trying to shoot the truck but weren't having much luck.

 

The ticker at the bottom of the screen flashed… I couldn't fucking believe it…

 

Flashback – Jens

 

The reporters repeated the video of Ben in the little park and I hoped for more video. I was soooo worried about Ben because the last pictures showed a big truck full of those evil Chechens chasing him.

 

Finally new and live video came on. It was from behind a big tank looking vehicle and the reporter said the Chechen's truck was ahead of the tank and the tank was firing at it. I was shocked when they said the speeds were in excess of eighty kph - that was almost fifty miles an hour. If my Ben fell out of the wheelchair at the speed, he could be hurt and he hadn't even finished healing from being shot.

 

Then there was another change and I became really worried…

 

Flashback – Tatiana and Masha – In a taxi

 

We finally found a taxi and directed him to drive us to the hospital. He started to take an unusual route so I questioned (in character), "Sonny, why are you taking this strange route?"

 

He answered, "There's some kind of big chase happening on the normal route."

 

I looked at Masha, she nodded so I pulled out my weapon, put it to the back of his head and ordered, "We need to take that route."

 

He swore, "Tвойу мат2."

 

2 Tvoyu mat – Russian mat for 'fuck your mother.' Probably the most commonly used 'mat' phrase. If you are using a hammer and hit your finger you will most likely say Tвойу мат.

 

I reached over the seat, rendered him unconscious, jumped out of the passenger seat, pushed the driver over and began to drive.

 

We headed down a big hill and I yelled, "Masha! Is that what I think it is?"

 

Flashback – Jack  – Inside the BTR-80

 

 I looked at Maggie and stated, "I think Banzai's luck might be running out."

 

She replied, "Yeah he's running out of downhill so what the hell is he going to do now?"

 

Rounds peppered the BTR-80 Maggie yelled, "That wasn't the Chechens."

 

I answered, "Yeah Banzai is firing over his shoulder and not doing any better at hitting his target than we were."

 

Yeah the Chechen bastards were firing at Banzai and didn't care about us. And they were doing even worse firing at Banzai than we did firing at them. I saw one turn toward the BTR and I yelled, "Quick get back inside."

 

An RPG slammed into the BTR but didn't do any damage, then I got an idea and asked the lieutenant…

 

Flashback – Ben – On his mission

 

I could see that my fun and luck were running out! Yeah, hills can only be so long and this one was ending. I looked for a defensible position to head into with my wheelchair. In between almost going deaf firing the fucking AK beside my head, I heard another big assed noise behind me but I wasn't sure what it was.

 

I saw a great place to make my final stand and go out in a blaze of glory while taking as many of the Chechen bastards with me as I could! When… thank God now I knew what else was behind me. But it was hard as hell seeing where I needed to go…

 

Flashback –Masha – In a taxi

 

Yes, we had problems with Ben but I also had large inventory of other problems. If what my team told me about the twins in Israel was true, then I needed to do something about it as soon as possible because they really created a полнии пиздэц3.

 

3 See 1 above

 

I pushed that problem temporarily out of mind and concentrated on saving Ben…

 

Flashback – Safia, Ira and Mira– in Israel

 

After I got my some of my payback using the 'whore moan' joke. We were close enough to the location that I advised, "We are here and will need to continue this discussion later."

 

They both complained, "Safia, that is a cruel punishment!"

 

I internally smiled and thought, you bet your ass it is! Payback is… Hey that gave me a new idea…

 

I stored that idea for later and said, "One of you will have to drive if you want to complete what you are planning."

 

Ira stated, "I will place a rectangular building component on the pedal of acceleration and affix the wheel in the proper direction with a woven strand made of hemp."

 

I questioned, "You're going to put a brick on the gas pedal and tie the wheel with a rope."

 

Mira answered, "Yes Safia, that is what Ira indicated."

 

I shook my head and argued, "You two make the use of language a real son of a bitch!"

 

Mira questioned, "Ira, I think Safia has commenced a new set of euphemisms."

 

Ira directed, "Because of our impending action, such action is not currently appropriate Safia."

 

I watched as she put a brick on the gas pedal and the car sounded like it was going to explode. Then she tied the steering wheel so it would travel straight and slammed the car into gear. It roared right toward the Mossad headquarters. The guards began to fire at the car when it approached the building but they were too late. It slammed into the building, exploded and destroyed the greater part of the building…

 

I felt the attempted desecration of me by the Mossad was mostly vindicated by the total destruction of their primary base of operations. Some might cognate that it was an extreme measure, however the attempted forcible mob training of my corporeal self was a worse injustice, and when they added insult to injury with another unwise act - a stern message needed to be sent.

 

As we walked away Mira stated, "Ira, that was a grand message you delivered to the Mossad however it might create additional difficulties."

 

Safia added, "Difficulties hell! They are going to want to bitch slap the hell out of you two and we haven't even found my sister yet."

 

I replied, "Safia, enough with the new euphemisms! We still have not unlocked the hor mone conundrum. And we are directly going to rescue your sister."

 

I watched as a new vehicle approached and stated, "Now this vehicle will serve our purpose in a grand manner." Ira and I pulled out our rifles, the vehicle slowed and stopped.

 

Safia ordered, "Get your asses out of the truck or they will shoot you."

 

I decided I appreciated that Safia accompanied us; her command of the common language facilitated our mission. However, I still had not ascertained the meaning of the hor mone joke or the line of punch…

 

I couldn't believe it, the girls actually stopped a fire truck headed to the Mossad headquarters. I ordered everyone out, they left the truck, Mira, Ira and I climbed into the cab, I began to drive and stated, "I've always wanted to drive a fire truck."

 

I went to shift, the truck lurched and Mira commented, "Safia are you not proficient with a transmission of manual?"

 

I lied, "Well, I might be sort of proficient."

 

Ira started, "Mira, we still have the hor mone conundrum to solve."

 

Mira added, "And the new son of a bitch and bitch slap euphemisms."

 

I tried to shift again, the transmission ground and Ira stated, "Safia, you must use the extra pedal on the floor to manually change gears."

 

I lied, "Doh! I knew that."

 

Ira looked at Mira, "What does the term 'doh' mean?"

 

Mira stated, "It is one more euphemism mystery which I am sure Safia will torture us with."

 

Ira reminded, "We could still apply the gun of stun to her ass."

 

I threatened, "If you do that then the euphemism training will cease!"

 

Mira questioned, "Safia, how did you become so well versed in language."

 

I sadly answered, "My sister aspired to become a language teacher before she was sold into slavery."

 

Ira announced, "Perhaps when we free Safia's sister she will be grateful and supply us with an answer to the hor mone conundrum?"

 

Mira added, "Yes, I am still highly confused and the problem consumes too much of my mental capacity."

 

Ira questioned, "Safia, please state the hor mone riddle once again."

 

Mira added, "…and the line of punch."

 

I laughed the answered, "How do you make a whoooore mooooan."

 

And added the punch line, "You don't pay her the money."

 

Then the twins tried to figure it out…

 

Flashback – Ben – On his mission

 

I guided the wheelchair into a depression which of course upset it and tossed me out on the ground. But I was fucking ready and made sure to keep both AK's and all the magazines with me. It hurt like hell when I crashed into the depression and I felt 'it' happen! Yeah, 'he' was taking over again…

 

It was like I saw the world through different eyes as he stood up, saw the Chechen truck through the smoke, ran toward it and blasted the hell out of it. Hell, I was not just standing, I was running! He heard some gunfire behind me, he turned and saw two old grandmothers helping him fight the fucking Chechens - what the hell! I guessed the grandmothers hated them as much as I did.

 

He turned back and the BTR-80 opened up on the Chechen truck with both its machine guns. He dove to the ground as the rounds that missed cracked over his head then everything went…

 

Flashback – Tatiana and Masha – Fighting

 

I could not believe it! My Ben crashed his wheelchair into a hole in the ground, then he stood up! Yes, he stood up and ran toward the Chechens firing two AK-47's! Yes, my Ben could walk and run and if he could walk and run that meant that we could…

 

I needed to get Tatiana's attention and ordered, "If you ever want to Эбат4 Ben again you'd better start firing your weapon."

 

4 Эбат ebat – mat for 'to fuck'.

 

That snapped her out of the spell that held her and we began to kill the bastard Chechens.

 

Then Ben fell to the ground and didn't move, I was worried that…

 

Flashback – Glen

 

The news showed that Sgt. Blaine crashed his wheelchair into a depression in the ground, then the crazy assed fucker stood up and ran towards the Chechen trucks while he fired two AK-47 on full auto. I think that Sgt. Blaine had watched Rambo one to many times.

 

The ticker at the bottom of the screen said something about Major M but I couldn’t understand what it said…

 

Flashback – Jens

 

Ohhhhh, I am so fricken angry! My Ben was acting reckless and it looked like he was trying to get himself killed. First he crashed in the wheelchair, then he jumped up and ran toward the nasty Chechen truck while he fired two rifles at them. Then he dove to the ground and didn't move as the Chechen truck exploded…

 

I noticed the news ticker on the bottom of the screen and it said that Ben's nasty Major M had escaped. I wondered how that happened? Perhaps Ben had planned this so the Major could escape…

 

Flashback – Major M – Interview with the press

 

I hauled ass in the taxi to the hospital, was stopped by the Spetsnaz until they realized who I was, then they rushed me into the hospital.

 

A reporter came up to me and asked, "Major, you are the one that was captured by the Chechens?"

 

I replied, "Yes, I am that person."

 

The reporter continued, "How did you escape?"

 

I thought for a moment, decided the escape might work in my favor and said, "Well they left me alone with only one guard who I taunted about being a Muslim. When he started to beat me, I overpowered him."

 

Then the reporter asked me something that shocked me, "Tell me how you feel about Sgt. Blaine becoming a hero once again?"

 

I questioned, "Again? What did he do this time?"

 

She showed me the videos which the Russian news services kept repeating and I realized once again I had been upstaged by Sgt. Blaine…

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