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Chapter 13

Home Chapter 13

Copyright 2012 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia


Flashback – Major M – Undisclosed location


We parked in a valley then crawled to the top of a dune to carefully survey the site of the battle. Even using our periscopes it was obvious there was mass carnage, immense damage and that any survivors had long since left. I crawled with my team to the top of the dune where we could have a better look, sat down and asked, "Okay what's your analysis of what you see."


The L.Cpl. was taking photographs and stated, "I would say they got their asses kicked! Look over there, isn't that the wreckage of an aircraft."


My Sgt. added, "And there are some destroyed Hinds. Just how many vehicles were involved in the attack?"


I questioned, "I'm not sure but I would think more than one. Now why were they transporting tanks and what the hell happened to the first tank?"


My Sgt. replied, "Something detonated the munitions store and blew it to hell. But the third tank is interesting because it's off the trailer."


I looked at my men and surmised, "With the aircraft, Hinds and tanks plus all the dead troops I think this was a trap."


The L.Cpl. answered, "Well it sure the hell was a failed trap because there's nothing here except for RG vehicles."


I asked my men, "What do you think? Could all this be the work of Baskerville?"


They both shook their heads, the Sgt. stated, "I highly doubt that."


The L.Cpl. added, "No way! I would say at least three vehicles."


Yeah that was my concern. I had wondered about the 'connection' between Baskerville and the Sedankina bitches - perhaps they had joined forces. Yeah that was the only thing that made sense…


Flashback – Mira and Ira – Undisclosed location


I whispered to Ira, "Fecal matter, Fecal Matter, FECAL MATTER! The range is too great." Yes for once my quarry was beyond the range of my beloved PSG-1 rifle.


My sister Mira was incredibly incensed since we had just observed, with our personal ocular units, three potential targets crest a dune across the valley from us. And then they ultimately decided to position their posteriors on top of the dune. They were foolish to allow their corporeal bodies be on such display. From the apparent size we both knew the range was approximately 1700 meters - well past the range of the PSG-1.


I acquired the potential targets with my spotting scope, maximized the magnification and grinned. I announced in a sing-songed vocal utterance, "Mirinka, the lady of lucky has grinned upon us today. One of those three targets is your Major M."


Mira expounded, "Son of a female saluki! Irinka are you positive."


I replied, "Affirmative my sister. I would cognize that face anyplace. And their range is one-thousand-seven-hundred-four meters."


Mira grinned at me and commenced, "The only thing better than a quick death from a well-placed shot…"


I continued, "…is to chase down our quarry and deliver the death blow…"


Mira finished, "…with the blades of our katanas."


We quickly formulated a plan…


Flashback – Major M – Undisclosed location


My Sgt. pointed and questioned, "What the hell is that."


I followed his hand, saw two motorcycles headed our way from across the valley (and cursed for letting us be so exposed) and ordered, "That is big fucking trouble! We need to get the hell out of here right now!"


We sprinted down the back of the dune, jumped into the Humvee and I ordered, "L.Cpl. get us the hell out of here, if we're caught by those two motorcycles, we're as good as dead. Sgt. man the turret gun."


The L.Cpl. did a hell of a job, but the motorcycles gained on us. The Sgt. asked, "Sir do you want me to fire warning shots?"


I ordered, "Hell no! Because they sure as hell aren't going to be firing warning shots at us."


Flashback – Mira and Ira – Undisclosed location


We easily approached the vehicle which housed Malodorous Major M and when we approached a soldier in the turret commenced to fire upon us. I signaled Ira and we changed formation. Our new paradigm allowed one of us to approach closer while the buffoon on the machine gun concentrated on the other one of us.


I was finally close enough and…


Flashback – Major M – Undisclosed location


Rounds peppered the Humvee! Some even penetrated the cab and bounced around inside. I yelled, "Sgt. what the hell are you doing."


He yelled back, "Sorry Sir I was after one of them and the other one snuck up on us."


Fuck this shit, we need two gunners! So I crawled into the back with my rifle, kicked out the rear window and fired at one of the Sedankina bitches. She must have seen what I was going to do because with all the fucking bouncing around we were doing and with her swerving, I missed.


They were firing at the Humvee, then I finally figured out what they were trying to do and yelled, "L.Cpl. whatever you do don't let them take out the engine."


More rounds hit the Humvee and one even glanced off my helmet…


Flashback – Mira and Ira – Undisclosed location


I grinned inside my cranial carapace because one of my shots impacted the Malodorous Major M's Kevlar cranial carapace. Oh, I knew it would not terminate him but it would make his auditory units chime like the church bells at his upcoming funeral.


He readied to fire at me again but this time I accelerated and his shots went behind me.


I readied to fire at the engine when… "FECAL MATTER!"


Flashback – Major M – Undisclosed location


The L.Cpl. slammed on the brakes and I yelled, "What the hell is wrong!"


He yelled back, "We were headed toward a ravine."


The good news was the Sedankina bitches overshot us. The L.Cpl. spun the wheel hard, floored it and bought us some breathing room…


Flashback – Ira and Mira – Undisclosed location


Mira readied to deliver the death blow to the engine of the vehicle when it abruptly stopped and we locomotivated past it.


I started my turn to pursue when I hit an unfortunate bump which caused my motorcycle to deposit my derriere onto the sand. Mira rode up as I recovered and questioned, "Ira are you injured?"


I crimsoned, "My only injury is to my pride!"


Mira teased, "Yes my sister I know you are proud of your derriere."


I questioned, "Mira perhaps it is time for an ambush of haste?"


Mira grinned and stated, "Yes I will locomotivate here." She pointed to a location on the map, I continued, "…and I will shepherd them toward your location."


I reacquired my motorcycle and the chase continued…


Flashback – Jack – Undisclosed location


We returned to the battleground but no one was around. Banzai noticed, "Jack are those motorcycle tracks?"


I replied, "Pull up beside them and I'll take a look."


He pulled up close to them, I opened the door and stated, "Hell yes, it looks like Mira and Ira have been here already."


Banzai questioned, "Can you tell which way they were headed."


I looked closely at them and guessed, "I think that way." And I pointed behind us.


Banzai spun the Frankenmonster around, floored it and said, "I hope we're not too late."


I thought it would serve the bastard Major M right if he did get caught. Sending us to this damn place without an exit strategy….


Then I came up with another hell of an idea. When I told Banzai he laughed so hard we almost wrecked.


Flashback – Major M – Undisclosed location


Well that was short lived, but at least this time we only had one motorcycle to deal with. I saw the other one go down and assumed either it or hopefully the Sedankina bitch that rode it was injured.


I ordered, "Sgt. since there's only one of them, you keep them busy while I see if I can arrange exfiltration for us. I got on the radio, sent an SOS message and was surprised as hell with the response I got. I ordered, "L.Cpl. head toward the coast."


As he turned to the new heading the motorcycle came up beside us and fired, so he swerved away from the motorcycle. I yelled, "Sgt. can't you do anything about that damn motorcycle?"


He replied, "Sir, I'm trying my best. But it's like trying to swat a fly with a two-by-four."


I swore, "Damn let me help you." I crawled into the back of the Humvee and damn he was right. I tried to fire at the motorcycle but she swerved all over the place. I ordered again, "L.Cpl. we need to head toward the coast if we ever hope to get the hell out of here."


He turned and again the Sedankina bitch came up beside us and fired so he returned to the original course. I yelled, "Shit we're being herded into…"


I never got to finish because the L.Cpl. yelled, "Sir someone shot the engine."


I commanded, "Shit one of them is acting as a sniper somewhere! Keep us moving as long as you can." But I knew it was just a matter of time until I had to face the Sedankina bitches. I sent another e-mail to my Mossad friend with hopes he could call them off…


Flashback – Mira – Undisclosed location


Ah yes, one well-placed round into the vehicles engine and it was only a matter of time until Malodorous Major M would be mine. But before I exacted a protracted and painful revenge, he would deliver the harlequins into our hands along with Baskerville. With every element of my being I anticipated the requirement of an extreme settlement of score with the harlequins. Their death could not be slow enough or painful enough for my liking.


I placed my beloved PSG-1 back into her case, acquired my motorcycle and rejoined my sister…


Flashback – Major M – Undisclosed location


The Sgt. announced, "The second motorcycle is back but they aren't firing at us anymore."


I grimly stated the obvious, "Yeah they aren't wasting their ammo, they're going to wait until the Humvee dies."


He says, "Well we still have Ma Deuce and a ton of ammo."


I look at him and state, "And they are both expert snipers. So do you want to be the one that sticks your head up to fire it?"


Flashback – Ben – Undisclosed location


Jack had been messing around with the radio while I tried to catch Mira and Ira and what I assumed to be Major M (the motorcycle tracks flanked the tracks of a Humvee).


Jack looked at me and stated, "Damn Mira and Ira are giving the Major major hell."


I floored the Frankentruck and we were flying. I stated, "We've got to get to them before Mira and Ira kill him."


Jack laughed, "Hey Banzai you won't believe what I just read - we now have an exit strategy and you're going to love it. But it pisses me off that it took the Major getting in trouble to finally design an exit strategy."


I question, "So what the hell is the exit strategy?"


Jack told me, I smiled and said, "This and your previous plan are going to be so sweet!"


Jack laughed, "Yeah this payback is going to be a bitch. But if we don't get to the Major first, it won't be worth a damn."


I looked at Jack and stated, "Grab onto your ass!" then I reached for a switch on the dash.


Jack swore, "Oh hell no, not again!"


Flashback – Jack – Undisclosed location


Banzai touched off one of the rockets (thank God he rewired it so only one went off at a time) and this time it wasn't nearly as bad as before! The skin on my face felt only half peeled off and Banzai wasn't having near the problems he had driving during our previous rocket assisted launch. Oh don't get me wrong, we were still going like a bat out of hell, but this time we weren't an insane and drunken bat out of hell.


As much as I wanted Mira and Ira to kick the Major's ass for being a major ass, I wanted to inflict my own form of revenge on him.


Yeah, this was going to be fun…


Flashback – Ira and Mira – Undisclosed location


The vehicle was consuming its final breath so I motion to my sister to arrest. She stopped and I stated, "Mira, the vehicle will expire shortly and most likely the Major will attempt to take the high ground. We should locomotivate to set up fire fields of opposition."


Mira grinned at me and then came up with the most amazing idea…


Flashback – Major M – Undisclosed location


The Humvee was on its last legs as I ordered the L.Cpl., "We want the high ground, Head toward that high dune over there."


The Sgt. noted, "The motorcycles have left. Perhaps they gave up?"


I grimly replied, "No, what this means is they have switched strategies - they are now snipers."


The front of the Humvee barely made it to the top of the dune leaving the back over the edge, the L.Cpl. shut down the engine and questioned, "So what's the plan?"


We heard some noise then the report of rifles, and the Sgt. swore, "Son of a bitch they just took out the fifty."


I questioned, "Did anyone bother to count the number of seconds between the rounds hitting the fifty and the report of the rifles?"


The Sgt. answered, "I would say it was between three and four seconds."


I did the math in my head, "That means they are somewhere between six-hundred to eight-hundred yards from us."


The L.Cpl. said, "Well that means they are still within range of our M4's."


We both looked at him like he was crazy and the Sgt. said, "In your dreams! You may have fired your M4 during basic at six-hundred yards, but that doesn't mean you can do it in these conditions."


And I interject, "L.Cpl. try opening the door of the Humvee and see what happens."


He barely got the door cracked when multiple shots rang out and we all dove for the floor. He yelled, "Thanks a lot! What are you trying to do, get me killed?"


The Sgt. instructed, "Hell no he wasn't trying to get you killed. He was teaching you something. Those two have us pinned down and there's no way we're getting out of this vehicle without being shot."


I looked at the Sgt. and said, "That might not be true."


He questioned, "Do you have a plan?"


I grinned, "I always have a plan."


Flashback – Ira and Mira – Undisclosed location


Mira developed a divine plan, we would hold the Major and his team hostage and wait for the harlequins and Baskerville to come and attempt a rescue.


So we tactically retreated and maintained them in hostage status in the disabled vehicle and waited…


Flashback – Jack – Undisclosed location


Well we survived the half-near death experience of the Frankenmonster rocket sled this time but Banzai yelled, "Shit Jack we need to stop because I broke something on my Frankentruck."


I questioned, "Are you sure?"


He said, "Hell yes. She's not steering right but I think I know what the problem is."


We bailed out of the Frankenmonster and I stated, "Just let me know how I can help."


He was already under the truck and yelled, "Bring me the wrenches, the hammer, the side cutters, and the big piece of pipe."


I thought, yeah give Banzai a hammer and a wrench (but mainly the hammer) and he can fix anything. But this was going to seriously fuck up the plan to 'rescue' the Major…


Flashback – Ben – Undisclosed location


The minute I crawled under my Frankentruck I knew what it was: It was the damn tie rod again. Someone had fucked it up before we took this truck by hitting something and then did a half-assed job repairing it. This time I was going to fix it for good. Jack handed me all the shit I asked for then I looked at the pipe and decided it was going to be perfect.


I took the cotter pins out of the castle nuts holding on the tie rod ends, removed the castle nuts and began to beat the fuck out of it until the damn tie rod dropped out on the ground.


I crawled out from under the Frankentruck, and Jack stated, "Damn that tie rod looks like a fucking pretzel. Did we do that?"


I replied, "It was fucked when I stole the truck but we sure didn't help it any."


We took it to the back bumper of the Franktentruck. I had Jack hold it and turn it until I beat it back into submission and shape. Then I told Jack, "You need to get one of the ends off this while I saw the pipe to the right length to reinforce it."


He started to struggle with it and I reminded him, "Don't forget one end has left-hand threads."


Flashback – Jack – Undisclosed location


Shit I never realized how close we'd been to dying until I saw this tie rod - it looked like hell. Banzai reminded me that one end was left hand threads (good thing because that was the end I struggled with) so I switched ends and removed the tie rod end. Banzai finished cutting the piece of pipe, came over, grinned at me and stated, "Good job now help me pound this piece of pipe over the tie rod.  


He beat the hell out of it, forcing it completely over the damaged tie rod and then said, "Okay, put the end back on making sure to get it the same length as it was before."


He rummaged around in the back of the truck, came out with a drill bit and I questioned, "How are you going to power that?"


He replied, "Watch and learn."


He connected a chuck to the power take off on the back of the truck, put the bit in it and stated, "It's going to be hell holding this tie rod while we drill some holes through it, but we can't let the bit bind."


I looked at my watch and stated, "You know we're probably too late by now anyway. I bet Mira and Ira have already killed the Major."


Banzai kicked in the PTO the drill bit spun, he laughed at me and challenged, "Jack I've been thinking about this and I will bet you a case of beer that they are still alive."


We began to drill the tie rod and I answered, "You're on and that beer's going to taste damn fine."


He laughed, "Yes it is for me because you're wrong about them killing the Major. They will want to make him suffer some first."


Shit! Suddenly I wasn't so sure about winning that case of beer…


Flashback – Mira and Ira – Undisclosed location


This time I had no problem keeping my focus because soon Baskerville would be here and I could exact my long awaited revenge upon the harlequins. However there was evidence of movement inside the vehicle. I observed it with my scope and could not determine what in hades they were doing…