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Chapter 37

Home Chapter 37

Copyright 2012 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia


Present – Stacy – In the bushes


I empty Ben's golden rifle into the damn tiger and thank God as the sneaky bastard finally dies right at my feet. I hear a noise, turn with my rifle and see it's Samantha and the whole darn news crew. I really wish this rifle held more rounds, because I would go out in a blaze of glory and take that damn nosy Samantha bitch with me (I really hate her because she works for the Jennifer bitch who’s keeping Ben and I apart). I lower the rifle then there's a hell of a noise behind them. They turn with their weapons and OH HELL NO! THEY'D BETTER NOT! I pull one of the revolvers and shuffle the best I can with my pants still down around my ankles…


Present – Samantha – Transporting Stacy


When there's a hell of a noise behind us, the whole team turns as Stacy's horses crash through the bushes. They look like rabid, runaway freight trains that are headed right at us. The men prepare to fire when, I can't believe it…


Present – Stacy – In the bushes


I put that damn nosy Samantha bitch in a headlock, press the revolver against her head and yell, "If you shoot my horses I'm going to cap this little bitch!"


Everyone turns, looks at me and Samantha's damn husband yells, "No one puts a gun to my wife's head!" Then he charges at me with his wheelchair…


Present – Samantha – Transporting Stacy


Things are totally out of control! The crazy-assed Stacy bitch has her arm around my neck and a gun against my head and my darling husband is racing toward her with his wheelchair! I am pissed off because no one puts a gun to my head and someone is going to get hurt if I don't do something. So I twist away from her and punch her in the nose…


Present – Stacy – In the bushes


That damn little bitch just punched me in the nose - no one does that to me! I yell, "Alright bitch it's time you get your boney ass kicked."


She taunts, "Well come on you fat fucking prima-donna!"


Her husband yells, "Sam she's mine, back off!"


Samantha responds, "Like hell she's yours. I'm tired of this bossy prima-donna bitch and I'm going to whip her ass and teach her a lesson. You men stay out of this and that's an order!"


We begin to fight and I realize that fighting with your pants around your ankles is damn hard. So I begin to think, 'what would Ben do?' The answer immediately hit me and I kick off my pants. When they hit the boney bitch in the face, I charge…


Present – Frank – Watching the fight


Shit! Two women fighting is hot as hell and it's even better because one of them is my sexy young wife and the other is naked from the waist down. I check and realize I've had the camera on the whole time. I figure what the hell, bring it up to my eye and begin filming this for real. It's not every day you get to see your wife rolling around in the dirt with a half nude woman.


They're women and it's not like they are really going to hurt each other. They are pulling hair, punching, biting, kicking and swearing like sailors. My brother Emanuel comes over and says, "I'd sure like a copy of this video."


I answer, "Shit we're going to make a fortune with this video on the internet."


Emanuel questions, "Did you notice what the horses are doing?"


I answer, "No, what are they doing?"


He responds, "They're stomping the hell out of the dead tiger."


I look up, see the horses and notice something else. I ask Emanuel, "Who's watching the news van."


He looks around and yells, "Shit! Not again!"


Present – Stacy – In the bushes


What the fuck! Did I just hear something about this fight being taped? I decide it's time to end this bullshit fight so I do what Ben would do, I knock that damn nosy news bitch out! Jump up and see all the bastard men are leering at me and sure enough the camera is running and the little bitch's husband is filming the hell out of me.


I quickly cover myself and yell, "You damn pervert! I want that tape."


He laughs and argues, "Like hell you're getting this tape."


I announce, "If I don't get that tape there's going to be hell to pay because you didn't have my permission to tape me."


Emanuel runs back into the clearing and announces, "Forget the damn tape, give it to her because we have a bigger issue - someone stole the news van…"


Present – Linus, Matt and Jim – Somewhere in Texas


We find the closest truck stop, pull in and stop, gear up and head inside when we realize we might have made a major mistake…


Present – Ben – Somewhere in Texas


The truck begins to slow which wakes me up and I'm sure glad it did. The damn faces were back in full force! You would think with fewer of them they would be less of a problem, but hell no! They are more insistent than ever about 'their retribution.'


I open my eyes, see we're at a truck stop and Stinky Pete comments, "Damn boy! That must have been some hellacious nightmare. Do you have those every time you sleep?"


I reply, "It's not really something I want to talk about. Are we close to Dallas?"


He drawls, "Yeah, this is the last good truck stop before Dallas. Now bring your gear since it's time I buy you a meal."


We jump out of the truck cab, head toward the truck stop and I question, "Won't the other drivers worry about me if they see me 'like this'?"


He smiles and declares, "Not if you're with me they won't. However if you had walked in by yourself…"


He doesn't get a chance to answer as we're at the door of the truck stop. He walks in with me behind him. At first everyone yells out his name, then they see me and my Situational Awareness kicks into overdrive!!!



Present – Jens – At the cabin


Damn! If I'm not sleeping, then no one's sleeping! Sharik and I head to Maria's room. I bang on the door and yell, "Maria, we're having a meeting. Be in the library in five minutes." Yeah that was fun as hell, now to act like even more of a pain in the ass.


I get to Liz and Bernie's door, pound on it and yell, "Liz we need to have a meeting, be in the library in four minutes."


Now to wake up Jack and Masha but their room is the furthest away…


Present – Jack – At the cabin


Hells Bells! Jens is making enough noise to raise the dead and has even disturbed Ivan. Masha is comforting him but I'm not happy.


I listen to her coming down the hallway and get an idea…


Present – Jens – At the cabin


What the heck is that? Where did that wire come from? I bend down to grab it, the door flies open and Jack yells, "There's a meeting in the library in three minutes."


It scares the crap out of us so I stumble backward and fall on my ass while Sharik is barking like crazy…


Present – Mira, Ira and Alexi – At the cabin


Our auditory units have been assaulted by a cacophony of noises in the hallway. It would appear Ms. Donaldson is being her customary pestiferous self. I remark, "I should have terminated her when I was presented the opportunity."


Ira responds, "Mirinka, we both cognate you could not risk the ire of your paramour."


Alexi proffers, "My sisters, I would relish the chance to rectify that situation."


I smile at my younger brother and advise, "Alexi, Ms. Donaldson would be too formidable an opponent for your first termination mission."


He laughs and challenges, "Well at least let me have some fun."


I affirm with cranial motion and watch as he prepares a practical prank…


Present – Jens – At the cabin


Dammit Jack scares the hell out of me and Sharik then he stands there and laughs, "Now that was funny."


I flip him off and say, "Look we need you and Masha in the library now."


He continues to grin and responds, "Okay we will meet you there in a minute."


Sharik and I walk back down the hallway, draw adjacent to the twins and Alexi's room. And son of a fricken bitch! I'm going to kill someone!


I fling the door open and Alexi, Mira and Ira are laughing like crazy!!!


To add insult to injury Jack, Masha and Ivan walk up and Ivan gleefully announces, "Lady look like clown."


I yell, "Which of you bastard's did this because I'm going to kick your ass!"


Ivan comes out with, "Gastard!"


Jack honks that damn horn which scares the hell out of me, Ivan begins to cry and Sharik begins to bark…


Present – Mira, Ira and Alexi – At the cabin


We are come-over with mirth from Alexi's practical prank. We watched as Alexi took an envelope of manila, filled it full of cream of shaving (for our lower bipedal units) and powder of talcum (for our derrieres) then placed the open end under the door. He applied his auditory senses to the door and when he cognated Ms. Donaldson was adjacent to the door he stomped on the envelope of manila. When Ms. Donaldson threw open our door she and her canine were covered with cream of shaving and powder of talcum.


Ms. Donaldson issues a threat but we do not respond so she continues, "I bet it was that damn brother of yours, I'm going to spank the hell out of him."


She is infuriated and we correctly sense Alexi is in danger! We both stand in defiance and I commence, "Ms. Donaldson, you will not…"


Ira adds, "…touch our brother or you will be terminated. It was only a practical prank…"


I finish, "…and all that was damaged was your pride. You deserved humiliation after creating enough noise to disturb the peaceful respite of the terminated."


Alexi questions, "Ms. Donaldson, would you like for us to attend your vociferously announced meeting in the library?"


Present – Jens – At the cabin


Dammit all! I have lost control in my own house! I know it was that bratty Alexi that pranked me and I want to spank him so hard he won't sit for a week, however his sisters present a serious problem that I'm not ready to deal with right now. I need to talk with Liz and have her get them out of the way so I can exact retribution because no one pranks me in my house. Oh yeah and I need to do something about Jack because he's out of control too.


I glare at the three of them and start, "As far as I'm concerned you three can take a flying fu…"


I never get to finish because Jack honks that damn horn of his which scares the crap out of everyone. Then he orders, "Now that's one word I don't want my son learning."


Tonight has been an unmitigated disaster! I shake my head and announce, "I'm going to the library - join me at your pleasure."


When I get to the library Liz, Bernie and Maria see me and start to smirk - adding insult to injury. I threaten, "Don't you three start on me. I've had enough shit for tonight!"


Present – Liz – At the cabin


Jens and Sharik walk into the library and look like they were attacked by a shaving cream can. We fight back some serious laughter, because it's evident Jens is mad as a wet hen. Jack, Masha, Ivan, Alexi, Mira and Ira follow her. Someone, my guess is Jack, played a practical joke on her. I will need to work to calm her down later but for right now she needs to be distracted.


I question, "Okay Jens what can we do for you…"


Present – Thom, Byron and Inga – on a chartered jet headed towards Venezuela


Shit! I've all but lost all of my clothes! My shirt's gone, my shoes, and my sox - the only thing that's left is my pants…


That damn bitch! I think she purposefully lost her dress to distract me. She's sitting there in her bra and panties (actually a thong) and keeps moving in suggestive ways and making sure she leans over while her breasts practically spill out of the bra she's wearing.


Byron opens his big fat mouth, "Thom it looks to me like you're losing."


I glare at him and complain, "Well at least I'm in the game."


He laughs, "But not for much longer."


I'm sure I've got her beat this time so I throw down my hand and announce, "Full house, read them and weep. So how about that bra coming off."


She giggles, "Sorry Mr. Thom, but a full house does not beat four of a kind. It appears you have lost your remaining piece of clothing."


I whine, "How did you know I might not have underwear under my pants?"


She giggles and replies, "Mr. Thom, it's my job to know everything about you and Mr. Byron."


Byron adds, "Thom you know she's been cheating don't you?"


I look at her, she laughs to confirm it and I whine, "I should have known, damn sneaky assed bitch. I'm not taking off my pants!"


She answers, "Thank you Mr. Thom…"