Chapter 007

Together Chapter 007

Copyright 2014 - 2015 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia

 

Present – Samantha – videoing the wedding

 

Jens begins to walk up the hastily formed aisle, Glen is holding her arm and I begin my narration, "Yes America, the wedding we have been waiting for is finally happening: Jennifer Donaldson is finally marrying Bennie Blaine in of all places a campsite at an undisclosed location (I did not want to reveal the location because I knew we would have too many people who would 'crash' the wedding). I continue to describe Jennifer's dress, "Jennifer makes one of the most beautiful brides I have ever seen in her white Vera Wang wedding dress with lavender accents, custom fit to her by the world renowned Enric. I continue, "This is the most non-traditional wedding I have ever witnessed and your eyes are not deceiving you: Glen looks dashing in his traditional Scottish Highland dress, he certainly has the legs to wear a kilt; Bennie Blaine who is wearing his Marine Dress Blue uniform is playing the wedding march on the guitar; his best man is Jack Reynolds also in his Marine Dress Blue uniform. However, the groomsmen are the most eclectic I have ever witnessed and there is a story behind each one. Unfortunately, in order to do justice to the stories we will have to wait until later to cover them. The first is a wild wolf, then an American quarter horse named Bo, a bear named Wojtek and a little dog named Motita. For animals they are being remarkably well behaved. Jennifer's side is also peculiar: Her maid of honor is the Truth Network's own Elizabeth Morgan who looks almost as beautiful as the bride in her lavender dress; and beside Liz the dog in waiting, with a large lavender bow, stands Sharik. I was told lavender was chosen because they match Jennifer Donaldson's eyes and of course reflect the lavender highlights in Jennifer's wedding gown."

 

Then I report on the guests, "The bride, Jennifer Donaldson, has a huge contingency of guests consisting of the team which helped her find Ben, Jack Reynolds' wife and children, and many others too numerous to mention. However Bennie Blaine's side once again mirrors his groomsmen and are eclectic: There is Stacy Summers in her beautiful white dress and veil side-saddle on her horse Patches; then we have Miranda, Irina and Alexi Sedankina along with Alexi's soon to be bride Safia. They are from Kazakhstan and must have misunderstood American wedding customs because they are all wearing what appears to be clothing more apropos a funeral! But the most shocking of all is a woman named Margarita: She is dressed like a prostitute and brought the little dog Motita. Yes, she is the one with shocking pink hair, a very tight, low-cut mini dress that actually lets you see the back of her yellow thong, wearing high heels that are entirely impractical for the campsite and seems to have already imbibed a mammoth amount of alcohol.

 

Then something interrupts the wedding…

 

Present – Jen – the wedding!

 

Liz had to pinch me a couple more times because I just couldn't believe that I was really, finally getting married to my Ben. Daddy looked so wonderful in his traditional Scottish Highland dress. Ben surprised me when Jack handed him a guitar and he started to play the wedding march. Daddy took my arm, smiles at me and also surprises me when he says without his Scottish accent, "Jennifer, I am so proud of you today! It had to be hard to wait this long. Has it been worth it?"

 

I smile at Daddy and answer, "Daddy, it hasn't been as hard waiting for Ben as you think because I always knew we're supposed to be together."

 

We arrive at the makeshift altar where the Orthodox Priest is waiting and then rats…double rats and triple rats! Something disrupts our wedding…

 

Present – Ben – the wedding!

 

It might have been hell getting ready for the wedding because I sure as hell didn't care for the gay dress dude and what he did to my hair. The manicure and pedicure were even worse but I do have to say, he did work wonders on my Dress Blues - they have never fit me better.

 

Jens, my soon to be wife looks stunning! When I see her standing at the back of our campsite aisle, I almost lose it. Why the hell did I fight her so long about getting married? I can tell she's surprised when Jack hands me a Jose Ramirez classical guitar and I begin to play the traditional wedding march by Felix Mendelssohn with a few improvisations of my own.

I notice Stacy and Miranda's outfits and find both of them highly distasteful for my wedding. Stacy looks like she is ready to take Jens place in a moment (she's a good girl, but no one could ever replace Jens) and Miranda along with her family look as if they are going to a funeral. Margarita is even worse - she reminds me of a cheap-assed whore! If I wasn't so damn busy today I would kick all their asses and tell them to get the hell out of here.

I finish the wedding march as Glen and Jens arrive at the altar, hand Jack my guitar and then all hell breaks loose…

 

The wolf, which has been very content being one of my groomsmen, stands up, looks behind the altar, the hair raises on his back and he begins to howl. Then there's a hell of a lot of yelling and screaming - it sounds like…

 

Present – Samantha – videoing the wedding

 

Right as Ben finishes playing the wedding march, he hands the guitar to Jack and then the wolf stands up, the hair rises on his back and he begins to howl. I continue to report, "Ladies and gentlemen, I am not sure exactly what is going on. As you can see, Ben's wolf stood up and howled, now we are hearing many howls and some scary hair-raising growls mixed with screams emanating from behind the altar… Wait! I think I see some! Oh my God I can't believe it!"

 

Present – Jen – the wedding!

 

I just make it to the altar, Daddy is ready to hand me off to Ben and then Ben's wolf, which seems to have a second sense about everything, stands up, the hair raises on his back and he howls. Soon after we hear more howls and growls mixed with human screaming from behind the altar. Ben amazes me when he dashes in front of me and yells to Jack, "Rifle!" Jack throws a rifle toward Ben (where the heck it came from I sure don't know). He catches it while bravely standing in front of me. Then Jack grabs a rifle of his own and points it in the direction of the noise.

 

Not to be outdone by my soon to be husband, I carefully reach under my beautiful wedding dress and pull out the pistol I have concealed in a thigh holster under my dress. Yes, I had a huge fight with Enric about wearing the pistol but I sure as heck wasn't walking down the aisle naked (unarmed). I notice that suddenly Daddy has a rifle and his claymore while Hammer is standing beside him with a rifle and his claymore. I do a quick tactical assessment and notice that practically everyone is holding a weapon. Stacy is on her horse with a golden Winchester repeating rifle; the Sedankinas all have weapons. Ben nods to his wolf, the wolf takes off behind the altar and I am shocked with what happens next…

 

Present – Samantha – videoing the wedding

 

I am speechless (which for a reporter is very unusual) as Ben's wolf takes off and runs behind the altar and the next thing I see are… The Mossad team and my lying bastard bigamist ex-husband Frank being escorted out of the woods by a bunch of wolves and even a few grizzly bears!

 

It seems like everyone has a gun, even Jennifer, and they are all pointed at the Mossad team – which, as they get closer, appears to be a very messed up team. They all appear to be bleeding and limping and my bastard lying ex-husband Frank is being dragged by a bear!

 

Ben yells, "Everyone hold your fire! Intruders stop and identify yourselves or die!"

 

They stop and then I yell, "Ben this is the Mossad team I traveled with and my lying bastard bigamist ex-husband Frank."

 

Ben laughs and says, "I remember you guys. I thought the Mossad was supposed to be the cream of the crop, but you never could catch me earlier and now it looks like my friends have handed you your asses. State your mission!"

 

No one says anything so Ben nods his head and one of the wolves bites the hell out of one of the men; he screams and then says, "Please call off your trained animals. We heard Samantha was going to be here and we came here to capture her."

 

Ben continues the questioning, "What was the purpose behind capturing Samantha?"

 

He pauses, the wolf noses him, he jumps about ten feet and answers, "Because of the bitch Samantha, and her many bad reports about us, our lives have been hell."

 

Jennifer loudly threatens, "If you think your life was hell before, just wait to see what they are going to be like for interrupting my wedding! I should let these wolfs and bears eat you for lunch, but I don't want them to get kosher fricken indigestion."

 

We all laugh some and Jennifer requests, "Ben my love, can our friends move them to the back of the clearing so we can still get married."

 

Ben smiles, looks at Jennifer and says, "I didn't know you were carrying, were you worried I was going to run?"

 

Jennifer laughs and says…

 

Present – Ben – the wedding!

 

I just ask Jens why she's carrying, even though it's only a pistol and she replies, "No, I know you will never leave me. I was just concerned about other things." I follow her beautiful violet eyes as she motions with them toward Stacy and Mira.

 

I smile at her and reply, "Jens I totally understand, but as you can see we have more than enough security to handle any problem."

 

I nod my head to the wolf signaling that he, the other wolves and the bears move the Mossad team to the back of the campsite and stand guard over them. My wolf runs up the aisle and takes his place again as my groomsman.

 

I look at the Orthodox Priest along with Glen and ask, "Can we continue this wedding because I can't wait to find out where in the hell Jens hid that pistol."

 

Everyone laughs and…

 

Present – Samantha – videoing the wedding

 

I quickly compose myself after the shock of seeing my bastard lying bigamist ex-husband Frank and continue my report, "Yes, we are all sure that after these many years of waiting Bennie Blaine can't wait to see where his lovely bride concealed that pistol. Unfortunately, we will never know. Glen is saying a few final words to Jennifer as most fathers do to their daughters on their wedding day. Bennie and Glen shake hands while it appears like he gives Bennie some very firm admonitions and places Jennifer's arm on Bennie's"

 

I cannot believe it again when Bennie's wolf stands up, the hair rises on his back and he again howls! From the edge of the clearing we hear some growls, some gunshots and some obviously feminine screams…

 

Present – Jens – the wedding!

 

Who in the fricken-fracken hell is interrupting my wedding this time! I will kill them! I look at Ben, he gets a very concerned look in his eyes and says, "Jens, even though we aren't married yet, you need to obey me on this and stay here."

 

I want to tell him that I talked to the Orthodox Priest and removed the unnecessary part about obeying from our wedding ceremony, but I can tell by Ben's eyes something very bad has happened. I smile at Ben and answer, "Just please, don't leave me at the altar."

 

Ben gives me a kiss (yes I know it's a no-no to kiss the bride before the ceremony is over) and says, "Jens, we will be back as soon as possible. Jack, Glen and Hammer I need you."

 

While Ben takes off with the other three, I turn to the crowd and say, "Don't go away everyone, I am sure eventually we will get married."

 

I am shocked when the Orthodox Priest asks, "May I borrow Ben's guitar?"

 

I find Ben's guitar, hand it to him and carefully caution, "Ben is really attached to his guitars."

 

The priest answers, "I understand and this guitar is an original Jose Ramirez, just like the one Andrés Segovia Torres played, so I will be extra careful."

 

I apologize, "I am sorry but I never asked your name."

 

He smiles at me and answers, "I am Father Anthony Carbo and have known Ben for many years. By the way it's an honor to marry the two of you."

 

I'm happy when he moves his big cross out of the way of Ben's guitar and then begins to play and sing some songs…

 

Present – Ben – wedding interruption number two!

 

I can't fucking believe that this happened at my wedding! If I had any idea we would have so many problems I would have held it someplace like a church that didn't have wide open access.

 

We get away from the altar and Jack asks, "Banzai, I recognize that look, what the hell is going on?"

 

I motion to Glen, he comes up beside me and I inform him, "I hate to say this, but unless I'm wrong Evelyn and Megan killed one of the wolves and I further hate to say it but the wolves retaliated by killing both of them."

 

Glen questions, "Ben ur ye sure"

 

We arrive at the scene finding a dead wolf and two very mauled and dead women. I sink to my knees and reply, "Glen, I'm sorry as hell about this."

 

Glen runs to what's left of Evelyn and curses, "God dammit wa hen wa! Thes will ruin uir daughter's weddin' day."

 

Jack clears his voice and says, "You know, this will only ruin the wedding day if you two let it."

 

I look at Jack and demand, "Jack what the hell do you mean, Evelyn is dead."

 

Jack gives us a grim look and answers, "That's right and I hate to say it, but they both came here with plans to ruin the wedding because those sure as hell aren't popguns they are carrying. If the wolves hadn't stopped them this could have been much worse. Gentlemen, we have a choice to make: We can go back to the wedding tell everyone that the wolves killed Evelyn and Megan in self-defense, or we can go back to the wedding and pretend that nothing has happened until it is over. Then I will get Thom, Inga and the TSIFFTS to take care of the bodies."

 

Glen concurs, "Jack is reit, if we teel Jennifer th' weddin' will be ruined if it e'en continues. Ah hink we gang wi' Jack's plan an' 'en later efter yer honeymoon we gie together an' teel Jennifer."

 

I look at the three of them and answer, "I hate like hell lying to Jennifer on our wedding day…"

 

Jack interrupts me, "Banzai get your head out of your ass and for once listen to me."

 

I shut the fuck up, think about this and decide that Jack and Glen are correct; somehow I need to keep this from Jennifer. I stand up, wipe the forest debris off my Dress Blues, look at the three of them and say, "You three are right, I just don't know how I can hide this from her."

 

Glen smiles, reaches into the dress Sporran1 on the front of his kilt, pulls out a flask and orders, "Tak' a coople guid swigs ay thes an' it will help."

 

1 Sporran - a traditional part of male Scottish Highland dress, is a pouch that performs the same function as pockets on the pocket-less kilt. Made of leather or fur, the ornamentation of the sporran is chosen to complement the formality of dress worn with it. The sporran is worn on a leather strap or chain, conventionally positioned in front of the groin of the wearer.

 

I unscrew the cap of the flask, tip it back and begin to take a swig; Jack surprises the hell out of me when he pushes the bottom of the flask higher so I get more of a snort than a swig. I swallow it, it burns all the way down so I cough and demand, "What the hell was that, it sure wasn't bourbon."

 

Glen laughs, as he says, "'At, mah son, is Glenfiddich single malt scotch. It's loch ambrosia frae heaven an' is th' best scotch bunsens can buy. Bevvy hearty mah suin tae be son-in-law."

 

I take another snort, this time without Jack's help, it doesn't burn as much and I'm feeling much better. I screw the cap back on the flask, hand it to Glen and complain, "Great, now my breath will smell like Scotch."

 

Glen puts the flask back into his Sporran, pulls out a container of Altoids mints, opens them, hands two to me and laughs, "That's th' stoatin hin' abit a sporran, there's room fur almost everythin'."

 

I go over to the wolf that Megan or Evelyn killed, squat down beside her, sadly touch the now lifeless body, say some prayers to the Great Spirit asking him to help guide her to the other side, stand up and say, "I better not leave Jens at the altar much longer, she might try to come and find us."

 

We head back to the wedding and I ask Glen a very serious question, "How can you be so calm about Evelyn dying?"

 

Glen looks at me and answers, "Mah son, Evelyn has bin deid tae me fur mony years. Dinnae gie me wrang, Ah will grieve greatly fur 'er when th' time is reit. However noo isnae 'at time, noo is th' time fur celebration."

 

We arrive back at the campsite and I smile because Father Anthony is playing songs and entertaining our visitors…

 

Present – Jens – the wedding!

 

Ben, Daddy, Jack and Hammer finally show up again. I was getting concerned and was about ready to come looking for them. I get all excited and inquire, "What was that interruption?"

 

Daddy answers, "Dornt fash yerse mah lassie, it was naethin'."

 

I look at Ben and question, "Honey what's wrong?"

 

He smiles at me but it looks a little strained and answers, "Glen is right, now let's get married because I want to find out where you've hidden that pistol."

 

Father Anthony stops playing the guitar and continues the service…

 

Present – Samantha – videoing the wedding

 

From this wedding, I have learned so many things that I will make sure never to repeat if I ever get married again. The guys are back, however they look more somber than before and the Orthodox Priest finally starts the ceremony - and what a ceremony it is! This is not a normal traditional wedding such as I have seen before, it's much more elaborate. I especially like the part where the Priest puts crowns on the bride and groom's heads and switches them three times.

 

It's finally over and the Priest announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Bennie Blaine."

 

There's a huge cheer from Jennifer's side of the aisle and utter silence from Ben's side. Most of us are thankful that it's finally over with no more interruptions. I comment, "Yes, this might be the wedding of the century, at least the wedding of the decade. Even with multiple interruptions Bennie and Jennifer are finally married. If they can weather the interruptions they endured during their wedding, they should be able to weather almost any problems that come their way. Here they come down the aisle and are headed toward their helicopter which will whisk them away to the airport and to their long deserved honeymoon." They stop at the helicopter, Jennifer turns around, throws her bouquet and Liz catches it. Ben pulls up Jennifer's wedding dress, takes off her garter, turns his back toward the crowd and launches it over his shoulders - amazingly Alexi catches it. I continue, "We all send them our best wishes for many happy years of married life."

 

Their helicopter starts up, everyone moves back and it takes off while we are treated to a wonderfully catered meal thanks to Mabel…

 

My cameramen quickly eat and then are taking videos of the guests and asking them how they enjoyed the wedding.

 

I am surprised when a government helicopter lands so I wander over to see what's going on. A man steps out, flashes a badge and declares, "I'm from the FBI."

 

I wave to Jack he comes over and then things begin to get interesting…

 

Present – Jens – on the helicopter

 

I complain to Ben, "Can you help me loosen this wedding dress because I can hardly breathe?"

 

Ben begins to open up his Dress Blues and answers, "Believe me, I understand what you mean."

 

He then unhooks my dress in the back so I can breathe and say, "Thanks, my husband!"

 

He laughs and says, "Well Jens, it finally happened, can you believe it?"

 

I laugh and answer, "Not hardly, it still all seems like a dream. So where in the heck are we going on our honeymoon? Please tell me it's somewhere that's warm?"

 

Ben laughs (I love his laugh) and he answers, "I guess I scared you with the comment about cold weather gear, but don't worry we're going back to one of our favorite places. I seem to recall you in a little black dress and me feeding…"

 

I excitedly interrupt, "Ben! Don't tell me we're going back to Kaneohe Bay Hawaii! And I will have you know I still fit into and have that LBD!"

 

Ben hugs me, it feels so good and answers, "I know, that's what Liz told me when she packed it. And that's right - two weeks of nothing but room service. Now where in the hell did you hide that pistol?"

 

Ben begins to reach for my legs and I complain, "No fricken way! You need to wait for the hotel!"

 

However Ben was persistent and I relented slightly, however everything else had to wait until tonight…

 

Present – Jack, Thom and Inga – after the wedding

 

A federal chopper lands, Samantha waves me over, a suit steps out and announces, "I'm with the FBI and understand you have detained a group of Mossad agents?"

 

Thom and Inga walk up and Thom opens with an insult, "Damn fucking suits think they own the world, who are you here to hassle?"

 

He glares at Thom and replies, "I know who you are, and if it wasn't for your credentials I would run you in. I'm here for some Mossad agents…"

 

Now this should be fucking fun! With Ben gone, anyone who approaches remotely close to the Mossad agents being guarded by the wolves and bears gets chased away. I point to the mangy, chewed up group of them and laugh, "There they are, yours for the taking."

 

The FBI agent growls, "Thank you!"

 

He then heads toward the group, gets a bit too close and a one of the wolves chases him the hell away. I laugh my ass off watching him because the wolf gets in one good bite before he gets far enough away. He storms back over by me, sees I'm still laughing and he yells, "What in the hell! Why didn't you tell me what would happen? How in the hell am I supposed to remove the prisoners?"

 

I grin at him and answer, "I didn’t mention it because you didn't ask and without Ben here I have no fucking idea how to get past the wolves, let alone the bears"

 

Inga then ruins it all when she offers, "I have a way with animals, I might be able to help."

 

Inga, the FBI agent and Samantha leave. Jack leans over close to me and whispers, "Thom, we need some help from the TSIFFTS. The wolves killed Evelyn and Megan in self-defense as they attempted to attack the wedding."

 

I softly swore, "Shit! You have to be kidding me."

 

Jack continues, "I wish I was; that was what the second interruption was. Hell, we haven't even told Jennifer yet so we need to keep this quiet. Do you have some coffins on one of your planes and a place to store the bodies?"

 

I shake my head. The joy of Jennifer's wedding is now gone and I have more bodies to deal with.

I am shocked that Inga walks right up to the Mossad prisoners while the wolves and bears don't bite her.  Inga and the FBI agent head them toward the helicopter and I decide that it's better if Inga doesn't know about Evelyn and Megan.

 

I nod my head and we leave together…

 

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