Chapter 009

Together Chapter 009

Copyright 2014 - 2015 Banzai Ben and Amazing Anastasia

 

Present – Zarika and Yasmeen – at the cabin

 

I wake up at my normal time in the morning expecting to do PT, however everything is changed because everyone is gone. I wonder what is going on as I wander through the empty cabin. I arrive in the main room, the television is on and I cannot believe it! Ben, my Ben, is marrying! No it cannot be! He's marrying Jennifer and no one invited me to the wedding or even bothered to tell me about it. This makes me concerned for Yasmeen so I run to her room, frantically beat on the door and yell, "Yasmeen wake up it is a disaster!"

 

Yasmeen yells back, "Zarika, leave me alone! It is too early and I want to sleep more."

 

I am thankful that Yasmeen is here because that means they didn't invite either of us. I beat even harder on the door and announce, "Yasmeen, you need to come and see the television: Our Ben is marrying Jennifer."

 

I hear Yasmeen's feet as she runs to the door, throws it open and threatens, "Zarika, this had better not be one of your bad jokes."

 

I grab her hand, pull her toward the main room and answer, "Yasmeen, I only wish it was a bad joke. They are getting married right on the television and we were not invited."

 

We arrive in the main room, both sink to the floor and begin to cry as the priest says, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you Mr. and Mrs. Bennie Blaine."

 

I hold Yasmeen, she holds me and we have the worst day of our lives.

 

Then Yasmeen pulls away from me and comes up with a very devious and evil plan…

 

Present – Mira, Ira, Alexi and Safia – going back home

 

The nuptial ceremony terminates, I pandiculate and inform the others, "This nuptial ceremony is a farce and I will not recognize it."

 

Ira responds, "But my sister Mira, it is an Orthodox priest who performed the nuptial ceremony therefore it is valid."

 

I pandiculate again and answer, "That factoid does not trouble me. He was not a Russian Orthodox priest so therefore this nuptial ceremony is invalidated. This is tiresome and I do not wish to abide here longer, let us return to the cabin."

 

We traverse to an awaiting helicopter and leave this farcical charade…

 

Present – Thom and Jack – taking care of business

 

While Inga is off playing Loana (think of Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC) and helping to get the Mossad group onto the waiting Feebs’ (derogatory term for FBI) chopper, I notice Samantha is also busy taking video of the capture and harassing her ex-husband. Now seems like the best possible time to take care of Megan and Evelyn's bodies.  My next job is to find Glen and Hammer. As I walk away following Jack I ask, "Jack, where in the hell are Glen and Hammer."

 

Jack replies, "Thom, they are with the bodies."

 

I respond, "That's great, since the news crew is busy with the Mossad agents, now is the perfect time to grab a couple caskets, load the bodies into them and get them the hell out of here before anyone else finds out about them."

 

Jack asks, "How do you plan on reporting their deaths?"

 

I smile at Jack and answer, "We have a friend who's a medical examiner, so I will have him look at the bodies and create the death certificates. We have used him before and once he sees the bodies he will determine the most plausible way they died."

 

Jack starts to chuckle, then gets serious and says, "Shit, this can't be happening."

 

I follow his eyes and I can't believe who's coming our way…

 

Present – Masha – at the campsite

 

My husband is leaving the wedding area with Thom and because I do not really trust Thom (he is well known to the 'company') I need to intercept them to avoid possible complications for my husband. Besides, Ivan has been asking to see his Папа (papa in Russian) and now is a great time for that to occur.

 

I begin walking toward the two of them but I can tell from the expression on my Jack's face that I am the last person he wishes to see. Which is all the more reason I need to see him now.

 

I approach within vocal range and simply ask, "Where are you two going? This area is so incredibly lovely may we three join you?"

 

Thom glares at me then Jack surprises me when he firmly answers, "Masha, not now."

 

I am bewildered because 'Masha, not now' is one of our code phrases. It informs me that my Jack has something to do which I or our children should not see. I stop, smile at Jack and answer, "I understand, however your son Ivan wants to go and play in the woods."

 

Jack shakes his head and answers, "Masha, that wouldn't be wise; there are things in these woods that are not safe."

 

I make certain I hide the shock on my face when my husband uses 'that would not be wise', another of our code phrases. His words let me know I need to keep my children close to me for safety. I somewhat understand as I remember the wolves and the bears leading the Mossad team out of the woods. However, I still do not know what my husband Jack needs to do which we cannot see…

 

Present – Jack, Thom, Glen and Hammer– taking care of business

 

We arrive at the scene of the carnage and Glen and Hammer are busy digging two small holes. The bodies are so mangled it is hard to distinguish which one is Evelyn except for the difference in size (Evelyn was a larger and taller woman).

 

I approach Glen and offer, "Do you need any help with what you're doing?"

 

Glen replies, "Nae thenk ye, we shoods be dain buryin' Evelyn's bitts in puckle moments."

 

I think for a moment, figure that bitts is boots and then ask, "Why are you burying her boots?"

 

Hammer replies, "We bury 'er bitts sae 'er ghost cannae donner around."

 

Thom asks, "Are you going to bury Megan's boots?"

 

Glen growls, "Nae feckin' way, 'er ghost can spend eternity walkin' aroond th' earth. Tis fittine  tae pay fur whit she did tae mah Evelyn!"

 

Hammer reinforces that thought while pointing over his shoulder in the direction of Megan, "If it wasnae fur 'at fanny, Evelyn woods still be alife."

 

Then he shocks me even more when he walks over to the corpse of Megan and begins to piss on it.

 

Thom warns…

 

I can't believe that Hammer is pissing on Megan’s corpse! I need to warn him, "Hammer, these bodies are going to the medical examiner and I don't think you want your DNA on them."

 

Hammer laughs and counters, "Yoo're feckin' lucky Ah didne cut th' feckin' bitches heed aff an' jobby doon 'er neck. Ah dornt caur abit onie feckin' DNA coz they dornt hae mah DNA."

 

I continue to assert caution, "Hammer, you were in the military. Are you sure they didn't take your DNA?"

 

Hammer is finished pissing on the corpse of Megan then kicks her a few times and laughs as he answers, "Och, they took mah DNA but Ah hud a guid mukker delete it when he deleted mah service record."

 

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but I figure it's my duty, "Hammer, your friend sure as hell didn't do a very good job, because when you came to TSIFFTS we checked your DNA against what was on file."

 

Hammer blinks a few times, looks like he's in thought, and says, "Weel jobby, 'en Ah guess Ah need tae fix thes."

 

He shocks me when he begins to dump most of a bottle of Scotch on the body of Megan. He stops takes several emotional gulps of air then he strikes a match and drops it on the body which erupts into flames. He turns at us, smiles and says, "Noo, th' huir can burn haur an' in heel!"

 

I run over to the burning body of Megan, try to put the fire out but it's no damn good because Hammer poured too much Scotch on her. Son of a bitch! How in the hell am I going to explain Hammer setting Megan's corpse on fire to the medical examiner. But it's even worse since the fire grows and begins to smoke with the nasty assed smell of burnt flesh while I begin to wonder when it will start to attract attention…

 

Present – Samantha – videoing the FBI removing the Mossad group

 

Even though I am a reporter, I am a woman and I can't resist shouting insults at the Mossad group as they are herded into the helicopter. My bigamist, ex-husband, Frank not only insulted me, he took my virginity and I was fucking angry! I knew I would have to edit out my words before the station could broadcast the report, but this was my time and I was going to make them pay.

 

John, one of the cameramen asks, "What the hell is that terrible smell?"

 

I've been distracted and quickly scold myself for not noticing it. I take a deep breath, cough and answer, "I recognize that smell from Germany, that's the smell of burnt human."

 

Smelling (pun intended) a more important story, we begin to scan the skies and John says, "That looks like smoke above the trees."

 

I concur, "I think you're right. This story is done so let's see what that is all about."

 

I begin to run toward the smoke with the cameramen, when Inga (who was the one that helped with the wolves and bears) runs up beside me and says, "Samantha, you are correct! That is the smell of a burning body. However, I do not think this is a story which you should cover while reporting on Bennie and Jennifer's wedding."

 

I complain, "Why not, news is news."

 

Inga grabs my arm, we stop and she asks, "Yes, news is news and you have just given America a wonderful report on the wedding. Do you wish to tarnish that report by trying to uncover why there is a body burning? Think logically. It cannot be good news that a body is burning and it will ruin the work you have already done."

 

I ponder what Inga has said and decide she might be right but I need to know so I reply, "Inga you might be right, it might be bad news and it might ruin the wedding. Will you please see what is going on and then let us know?"

 

Inga answers, "Thank you Samantha for being so logical. I will do this immediately…"

 

Present – Stacy – after the wedding

 

Wojtek wanders over after Ben leaves and we are well on our way to getting drunk. I knew Wojtek had an affinity for beer but never knew he liked champagne even more. We steal four bottles from the open bar and begin to drink.

 

 I'm amazed at the food and drink here at a campsite wedding - it's some of the best I have ever had. I admit, I wore the dress in hopes that Ben would come to his senses before he married that bitch Jennifer and that I could take her place – well that didn't happen so now I needed to lick my wounds (getting drunk is a necessary part of it) and regroup for a new assault.

 

Wojtek yowls and covers his nose in disgust. I take a big breath and realize what the stench is from - it's from burning bodies. I rise to my feet, wobble like hell because I'm wearing high heels, kick off my shoes and begin to walk toward some smoke I see rising above the trees.

 

As I get closer, I swear to myself for wearing this damn white dress and wish I had my camo on again. In this dress I stand out like the angel on top of a fucking Christmas tree! I walk into a small clearing and can't believe what I see: There are two bodies on the ground, one is on fire and that's creating the nasty odor. Thom and Jack are trying to put on the fire by throwing dirt on the body without much luck. Glen and Hammer appear to be burying some boots.

 

I stagger into the clearing and swear with a laugh, "What the fuck sort of after wedding party is this?"

 

Everyone turns toward me, Jack comes over and says, "You need to leave this area immediately."

 

I'm a little drunk and a lot belligerent so I smart off, "Who in the fuck are you to tell me where I can and cannot go, this is a National park! And while you're at it tell me who are the two dead people?"

 

Glen comes over and threatens, "Listen haur ye blooter'd huir, ye need tae lae afair Ah make ye lae."

 

I guess Glen doesn't know that Grandmamma and I spent some time in Scotland and I can speak Scottish with the best of them. I hitch up my dress, get in his face and insult, "Ah dornt hae tae listen tae onie ay ye fat fuckers. An' ye better nae tooch me ur Ah will kick yer asses."

 

I receive a big surprise when a voice answers from behind me and I get pushed down…

 

Present – Inga – Rejoining Thom

 

I arrive in the clearing and see there are two bodies with the smaller of the two burning. Thom is busy trying to put out the fire with dirt. An obviously drunk Stacy Summers is here, Jack and Glen are trying to get her to leave and she is resisting them. Thom catches my eye, sends me some hand signals commanding me what I need to do. This should be fun.

 

I walk up behind Stacy and say, "They don't have to touch you because I will, you drunk bitch!" Then I push her in the back, she goes flying, hits the ground and swears, "You just made a big mistake missy, now I'm going to kick your ass!"

 

She rolls over, jumps up and runs toward me. I dance to the side, as she passes me I kick her in the ass and deliver an insult, "It looks like I kicked your ass!"

 

She stops, spins around and this time changes her tactics as she slowly approaches me in a martial arts stance. She insults me, "I recognize you, your Thom's bitch. It's going to be so much fun to mess up that pretty face of yours."

 

I let her move in closer, she tries a front leg kick which I deflect and I counter by slapping the hell out of the side of her face and taunt, "I bet that's going to leave a nice bruise on your fat face."

 

The last comment elevates her to totally psychotic and she attacks me like crazy. But because she is so drunk, I easily block all her punches and kicks. She finally tires, falls to the ground and begins to cry. I look at all the men, but they all look right back at me and I know it's going to be my job to take care of Stacy Summers. I sit down beside her, put my arm around her and try to console her, "Come on, let's get you out of here before you ruin your pretty dress even more."

 

She looks at her dress, begins to cry harder and sobs, "This… This… This was supposed to be my wedding dress for Ben. I was supposed to marry him not Jennifer."

 

I have no idea what to say to Stacy, but I help her up and we leave the clearing…

 

Present – Thom, Jack, Glen and Hammer– taking care of business

 

For once I was happy as hell that Inga showed up when she did. A totally sloshed Stacy Fucking Summers stumbled into the clearing and was showing us exactly how much of a royal rich bitch she could be. She was threatening to kick all our asses. Even though I knew she couldn't kick all our asses, I sure didn't want to fight and hurt her. Then Inga arrived and the problem was solved.

 

The two women went at it like crazy. I was seriously impressed with Inga's skills as she handled everything Stacy threw at her and didn't inflict any serious physical damage, however I'm not sure about the psychological damage. Finally Stacy wore out, fell to the ground and started to cry! Shit I hate crying women! Once again Inga managed to defuse the situation and got her out of the clearing. I finally came up with the great idea of flipping Megan over which extinguished the fire. Glen and Hammer were finished with the crazy Scottish tradition of burying Evelyn's boots so I suggested, "Jack, you and I need to haul ass out of here in a chopper and get a couple coffins off one of the C-130s."

 

Jack laughs and has a different suggestion, "Thom, I think the coffins would give away too much information. How about we use a few of the body bags that are already here."

 

I laugh and ask, "That is a better idea, why the hell didn't you think of it sooner. But who the hell brings body bags to a wedding?"

 

Jack answers, "I had a brain fart and forgot that we brought them not for the wedding, but for when Jennifer confronted Ben. We thought we might have to restrain him to haul his ass out of here and knew it would be easier to handle him in a body bag. Keep an eye on things and I will be right back…"

 

Jack leaves, I look at Glen and Hammer and ask, "Why don't the two of you setup some sort of perimeter to keep others from seeing this."

 

Present – Samantha – waiting for Stacy

 

Thom's helper Inga comes out of the woods helping to hold up my very drunk BFF Stacy, I rush over and ask, "What happened?"

 

Stacy gives me a silly smile and mutters a quote from a movie I recognize, "'I see dead people.'"

 

Inga hands Stacy to me and says, "Thank you Samantha, I need to get back and help Thom."

 

I demand, "What the hell is going on!"

 

Stacy laughs and slurs, "'I see dead people.'"

 

I was asking Inga but then Stacy gets sick, vomits all over her dress and begins to cry, "I've ruined my wedding dress meant for Ben."

 

Stacy grabs my arm and pleads, "Samantha, please tell me it was a bad dream that my Ben married that bitch."

 

By the time I look up, Inga is gone and I'm left with a very sick and depressed BFF. I tell Stacy, "Let's get some coffee in you and get you cleaned up."

 

I help Stacy as we walk toward the campsite. However, I wonder what went on in the woods???

 

Present – Liz – after the wedding

 

Bernie comes over and congratulates me, "Honey, you did a great job on the wedding, your parts went perfectly."

 

I know they didn't but I enjoy the fact that he is supporting me so I smile at him and answer, "Just so you know, we're not getting married in the woods. I still want our wedding to be in Ben and Jens' house."

 

He smiles at me, I get a tingly feeling in my stomach and he says, "Hell, I don't care where it is as long as Mabel caters it."

 

I take another drink of champagne, and answer, "Yeah, I noticed you had third helpings today. Don't get so fat that you can't fit into your tux."

 

Bernie gives me that sly grin of his and answers, "I know how we can work off some of the food I ate."

 

I grin at him and raise my arm dramatically to my forehead, "Oh, the things I do for my man."

 

We get up and head toward one of the tents but my phone rings. I answer it and cannot believe what I'm told…

Comments